This is NOT how it's supposed to feel.
It’s not supposed to be this hard. Really, it’s not. All the things you’re doing to increase your chances of finding him - The One, Mr. Right. All the over thinking. The second-guessing. The desperate calls to your best girlfriends, maybe even your mother. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I or don’t I? It sounds all too familiar, doesn’t it?
Well, you’re not alone. But all this planning, thinking, prepping, and basically trying so hard isn’t the way it’s done. Every little thing you do or say isn’t being recorded and judged and analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love.
It just doesn’t work that way
There is no contest, no prize, no competition where the one who tries the hardest wins. This is real life, and real love.
And it’s not about you trying so hard that you don’t even know who you are anymore because you’re out there being whoever and whatever you think you’re supposed to be in order to land that man.
Forget the rules
Forget the catchy magazine article titles, forget all the rules. Those might be what sell big, but this is about you!
Your life. Your love. And about you finally getting it right and getting the love you want… and deserve.
Think about it - how many times have you been down this road? How many times have you been doing the same things over and over again, meeting the same types of guys, or not meeting them at all, expecting things to be different the next time?
It's just not working
We both know it’s just not working, but we’re so programmed to think we have to do something that we keep doing the same things over and over again. And then we wonder why we’re heartbroken again, alone again, left out again in this elusive search for love that never seems to end in our favor.
But what if all this doing, all this trying to make it happen, trying to find the love of our lives, trying to meet Mr. Right, hoping to finally get it right and start living our happily ever after – what if that’s actually what’s keeping it from happening?
It's time to turn the tables
What if we turn the tables and really believe that it’s our birthright to attract true love and the person who’s right for us into our lives? That we’re worth it. Just because we exist, just because of who we are.
And we deserve nothing less.
What would that do to the recordings we subconsciously play in our minds that have us trying and doing all the crazy things we do to try to bring this type of love into our lives?
You are beautiful
If we truly believe that we are enough, more than enough, just by being who we are - if we truly get that, than there is nothing to try. There is nothing to perform, nothing to manipulate, nothing to pretend. There is nothing to compete for and nothing to prove to anyone.
There is only the beautiful person of you and who you really are deep down inside your heart of hearts. There is just you being you - the real you.
The healthy, strong person who is worth all the love another healthy, strong person has to offer you. And nothing less. For either of you. That’s what true love is all about. It doesn’t usually happen overnight. And it doesn’t happen one moment before either of you are ready for each other.
It does happen
But it does happen. And all the trying in the world to make it happen won’t make it happen any quicker than by you just being yourself – in fact, it will slow things down.
The only reason we all try so hard in the first place is because we don’t truly believe in ourselves. We must begin to catch a glimpse of who we really are, the goddess within us that we see on the occasions when we remember that we don’t need a script, or a performance.
We so often forget that we don’t have to do anything; it’s not in the doing that we attract that special person into our lives. It’s in the living. The living of our own lives, following our own passions, while we quietly, calmly and confidently allow love to enter.
We just need to be true to ourselves, and let life happen. Follow our hearts, live our lives, pursue the things that interest us, find our passion. Keep living the life we were made for, full of everything near and dear to us. There’s no room for trying so hard in that kind of living.
It's time to take a step back and relax
So let’s take a step back, breathe and relax a little. Or a lot, for some of us.
There. Isn’t that so much better?
Feel what that’s like. Because that’s how it’s supposed to feel. Without the trying so hard. All that energy. All that thinking.
Feel the difference?
And that’s how we know we’re in the right place. The right state of mind for the journey. Do you get that? Good, because now we’re ready to find ourselves. That person we keep talking about who’s been trying so hard to get it right, and ending up in the same place every time.
Let’s go find out who she really is.
One thing I wanted to add, is that not all love gurus are the same. Some capitalize on singles for profit. This blog is an example of a sincere service for those seeking insight into enjoying being single while they stay open for a partner. I also feel Get the Guy and Debi Berndt are also people who are coming from an authentic place. Unfortunately, not everyone is. I was mislead and deceived by Kathryn Alice (author of Love Will Find You) which made me decide to stop dating and have kids. Kathryn Alice told me personally that I was lazy and that was why I was still single and "not to worry" about motherhood because women as old as 57 have gotten pregnant with their own eggs and delivered healthy babies. While that is true, it is not the norm, and it's false hope to focus on these rare instances of late in life pregnancy. Sometimes being burned by a "love guru" like Kathryn Alice and others like her (to the tune of $1500) is enough to make someone too negative to do well on dates. So, be careful whom you go to for advice. Finding and reading this blog has been helpful in the aftermath of my experience with Kathryn Alice.
I'm so very sorry you had that experience, Jackie; we all have such unique experiences on this journey, and although I'm sure she had the best of intentions, sometimes some fits are much better than others. I'm so glad you've still found some help here; I understand all too well when enough is enough, but know that you are a beautiful woman, who truly deserves everything that love and life have to offer you, regardless of what you've been through or where your path has taken you. In the end, know that whatever decisions you make in life, love still goes with you and the potential for true love is always there, no matter your specific circumstances.
I agree but often the road to hell is paved with god intentions. Every love guru is different. What I respect about Debi Berndt and Matt Hussey is that they will tell you that no technique or amount of dating strategies will work if a person lacks authentic confidence. Both Debi and Matt give their all with what they have expertise in to help a client develop that. But in the end, the person has to do the work. They won't call you lazy just off the bat without knowing what you have been doing to attract love. That's where I felt burned but have to work on forgiveness and letting the experience go. What also turned me off was hearing Kathryn Alice put down the other love gurus in the market because, like I said, not all methods work for everyone. A person has to find what resonates best for them. For me, Debi and Matt's work has really been much more beneficial. I'm seeing a matchmaker in Santa Barbara next month and just being more open to life and meeting people, but no more online dating for me.
Hi Jackie and Jane,
Sorry im not sure if im aloud to comment here,I have read thru your comments,Im a man of 36 and im from South Africa,as I understand we are in the same boat.I was in a long relationship,when we separated,I had the most painfull expierence to get over her,It felt if my life was over,I just could'nt stand up again,I was totally heart broken,but as time passed I have learn to grow up,and I have learn to stand on my own two feet,its four years now that im single..Im so ready to find my true love,but its so difficult.Im a very romantic person,always go out of my way,to let someone feel special,but everytime it backfire's into my face..so I did a bit of thinking were are the probleme,I am a attractive guy...I thought to myself,im doing to much to impress a girl.This morning I read a artical,and the message was so clear to me...the artical said,im seeking to hard for true love,If im seeking true love,it won't come to me because im seeking,so I thought about it and its true...Seeking for true love,it means im desprate to find love...I have a good heart,soft,romantic ex...and inside I know I will be a good husband to my wife one day..So im going to stop looking for love,if I meet the right girl,our souls will connect!I love your comments,It makes me feel better inside,because you are a very attractive and beautiful lady,and we struggle with the probleme...The probleme is not me and you,the probleme is,the right person did'nt cross our paths yet..if we meet the right person,that person will feel and see the real inside of you! Good luck you are in my heart and thoughts and I hope and pray that we meet our soulmates soon! xxx
Hi Wikus, you should always try. Stop reading articles about what you should or not do. You should always be your authentic self and with the "right one for you" it will click. I come from avery loving sincere culture and family and since being born here in the west, there was a game culture I saw in dating which is killing to the soul. Always give, but for the right person, you will know when you are not being appreciated with time of that particular experience. Its like here in the west, its about gain and loss, and taking. If you can learn from authentic cultures the way they show love without the pride and ego getting in the way, always know if your intentions are sincere and the other person still chooses to mistreat that gift, its the other persons character. Yes it hurts it kills, but that is life when meeting these people. There are times when these relationships can be healed and can survive but that depends on two people and time. I do not agree with too much empowerment of any gender male or female, no one is better, but we should give but never at the detriment to ourself
Welcome, Wikus. You're always welcome to add to the conversations on here. 🙂 It's a mindset. There's a huge difference between trying, seeking, trying to make something happen and living your life open and out there for someone to cross paths with you along the way in the active living of your life. Make sure the woman you choose is worth what you have to offer, Wikus; there are so many good-hearted, soft, romantic, kind women out there who are looking for someone exactly like you!
Dear Jane,
I couldn't agree more... But what is it with successful and pretty women in their late thirties that have been seeing therapists, reading blogs like yours, buying books like Tracy McMillan's "Why you're not married - yet" or "Get the guy", who quit trying after years of looking, and, yet, still haven't found their life partner? I think there isn't a clear answer on this one, but I can't help but wonder... What do you think? 🙂
I LOVE your blog btw!
I think that there may be something beyond the individual that is causing this. And men are going through the same thing in their own way as a collective. What I have experienced is that this is endemic of a divorce happy society. Personally, I have ceased dating and am going to start a family on my own later this year. I want kids more than a man and thank God for sperm banks
I completely agree that this is as much about our society and our culture as it is about anything individual, Jackie. If we could only remember that we are all simply little boys and girls deep down inside who ultimately only want to be loved and accepted for who we really are, this would go a long way towards reconnecting us all in ways that could eliminate so many of the games that are played in the search for love on both sides.
Yes, society has changed and I do think online dating has also evolved to cause people to regard one another like items being shopped on a site, like Amazon.com for finding a date. I learned the hard way that it's best to give everyone a fair chance unless my gut gives me a bad vibe. I almost missed meeting someone I really liked because of the dating mentality prevalent online (almost dismissed him for being divorced with a kid) and he must have picked up my vibe, because I really liked him and the feeling wasn't mutual.
Thank you for your kind words, Julia; it's always nice to hear positive feedback!
I totally understand what you mean about being successful and pretty and still having a hard time finding love. I posted a letter from a reader, I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?, recently that addresses some of these same concerns. There's so many factors at play - many of them cultural, many of them personal. And always individual as well. But I think the main reason so many women find themselves in this situation is because they buy into what our culture says about having it all, about being able to be the successful masculine energy and still find that equally culturally driven knight in shining armor. It's easy to get caught up in believing we can do better, based on our success or attractiveness, and what our culture says we should be able to get, that I think we pass by so many men that would otherwise be compatible with us in our younger years when we're so focused on having it all, that we end up in defensive mode when we finally see what it all got us and where all the men went. They're still there, we've just traveled so far from ourselves that we no longer know who we are or recognize who it is we're really looking for.
We forget that it's about the simplicity of love. That it's about focusing on what really matters the most to you, doing what you need to do to make a life for yourself that makes you happy, and believing enough in yourself and in the universe to know that there's enough love for everyone if we can only choose to see through the view of plenty versus scarcity. It's doing what we need to do for ourselves to be happy and content with the reality of what is right now, so that you can relax and give up the search in a sense, and take all that pressure off of yourself. The biggest thing, though, is being realistic about your expectations, and sifting through the men who aren't interested in a commitment, even if they're the ones that are typically your type. It's being open to someone who might not have that instant physical attraction you think you need, but might make a wonderful husband and father to your future children, if that's what you're looking for. Many times it's the strong, successful male counterparts that are actually looking for someone who's more the feminine energy to their masculine energy, so sometimes, it's reevaluating who you really are apart from your career and your image that makes you take a closer look at yourself and who that little girl is deep down inside and what she's really looking for.
I have much more to say in a future post about exactly this topic. But I hope this gives you something more that you were looking for. Thanks for asking this great question 🙂
The only man who was able to make me feel safe the second we met was not my type. He was attractive but I was looking for a European guy who was raised in an Old World Culture even if born and bred in the USA. I also wanted someone who spoke another language fluently, never married, no kids, and he was none of those things. It's Cupid's Paradox, because the men who fit my checklist and were super strong in the beginning did nothing for me, and had my guard up. Glad I went against my checklist because I was starting to think I didn't feel safe around men on blind dates and couldn't relax enough to enjoy hanging out.
So my point is: do not be so quick to dismiss someone online. The only way to determine if a person is worth getting to know is to meet in person. You can't replace the in person experience with anything else to know if you want to give someone a chance or not. Checklists act as barriers to prevent connection more often than not in my opinion.