One of the most difficult and frustrating parts of my journey was always the fact that no matter how much I worked on certain areas of my life, there were some things that I just couldn't seem to change no matter how much I tried. Namely, it was how personally I took everything, how deeply I would let the realities of my relationships affect me, how much I would let other people's expectations of me affect my mood, my happiness, my life. I used to beat myself up mercilessly over these, wondering why I couldn't change this part of me. I tried all the suggestions I read over and over, but nothing seemed to work. These issues ran so deep.
And then I just felt worse, because in being so hard on myself, I had now created a situation where not only was I still taking things so personally, but I was also creating the emotions of anger and frustration at myself for being this way. No wonder I just wanted to bury myself under the covers and stay there until the world went away. Or at least until I finally got it right.
But since then I've come to realize that everything, in fact, comes together in our lives based on who we are, and that includes those parts of ourselves that are so resistant to change because they are so ingrained. Our programming, our core personality traits, those messages we did receive. Even if we would have preferred things to have been different. It wasn't about what we didn't get, what we weren't like, what we hadn't been able to overcome. The way our lives have worked out, and the route our journeys have taken on the road to finding ourselves and the love in our lives, is all part of the life that we are meant to live and are living now. And with those words, we can accept all those imperfections about ourselves. Because it might not have been the way we would have chosen to have our lives go, but the end result is exactly the way our lives are meant to be. As imperfect and difficult as it sometimes feels.
And so for you, my beautiful friend who forgets your own worth all too often and focuses too much on what you don't have and what you think you need someone's permission to do and become, I invite you to stop blaming yourself, stop beating yourself up so harshly, stop being so hard on yourself. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Not from yourself or anyone else.
Don't let anyone into your life who doesn't get this, and don't let yourself do this to you for a second more! Whatever it is you can't seem to accept about yourself, whatever it is you keep beating yourself up about it. Stop. Your life will come out the way it's meant to not just in spite of you and these imperfections you can't seem to rid yourself of, but because of these parts of you that make you the person you are.
The very beautiful person that you are.
That's great. Really great. But changing your habits of thinking may not be easy. But yes, you are beautiful. There are no ugly people. Just blind people.
If I may give some advice to the ladies from a young man looking for a lover and companion, and Jane has kindly and wisely touched upon it here.
Your happiness is your own responsibility.
Great! You got it! But what do you do? Start by jumping out of bed every morning and exclaiming "Today is going to be a great day!" and really really sell it. You'll notice an instantaneous difference I promise. And for the daring, march rrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll slow like a tiger/tigress in all your power to the bathroom and strike a superhero pose; hands at the hips, elbows out, chest puffed, chin up and look at yourself in the mirror then focus in on your own eyes and whisper "Hello champion".
It sounds silly and ridiculous but note the smile on your face that you (and the world) wants to see.
Try it for 3 consecutive weeks and feel the difference.
I needed to hear these words Jane. I lived in fantasy land for many years and going through a divorce , another bad relationship and single parenting of two daughters with different needs plus running my own business has at times found me wishing that I was in a different place. Today after reading your post i found a renewed enthusiasm and acceptance for the reality of my situation. Its so great how your posts arrive at just the point of time i need to hear the words. Thank you for the support.
I so hear you, Ann; and am always happy to hear that something I've learned along this journey resonates in support of where you're at.
Hi Jane,
I have been receiving your articles for a while now and I must say that I find these to be so inspiring, empowering and above all full of common sense. I look forward to receiving these and love to read each one and fully take it on board. This last one - You are exactly where you are meant to be, like Crystal has stated above this has come with perfect timing. I am going through a bit of a hard time right now but am confident that things will get better. I took a redundency from a Government Dept after 25 yrs, one month after doing this my husband of 4 years left me for another woman and then 6 weeks after that my mum died. So now I am desperate, dateless and unemployed, luckily I have the love and support of my remaining family and friends and I do feel blessed to have this. Your articles are so welcomed in my world and I truly believe in what you say, thank you for sharing with us.
Trish, Gosford NSW
I'm glad this post resonated with you, Trish; and thank you for your kind words. These losses you've experienced are never easy, especially all at once, but it sounds like you're getting the support you need and are keeping this all in perspective. You are truly not your experiences; you are so much more, Trish, and believing this and having the confidence to believe there's so much more to come like you say, will see you through more than anything else. Thanks for letting me know you're out there 🙂
This post came right on time. This is what I needed to hear while I'm going through my own trials at the moment. I often take things so deeply and to heart that it literally makes me sick. I cry for days on end frustrated because I don't understand what's going on or because someone said or did something that hurt me. I don't know how to just let it go and accept that there are certain things or phases I just go through to get me where I'm supposed to be... right now it's just the meantime until I get to where I'm meant to be.
Thank you for posting this.
I'm glad this post came through right when you needed it, Crystal. It's a process learning all this, learning to lovingly accept ourselves and letting others be who they are without taking it all so personally. You will get there, but in this meantime, being loving and gentle with yourself will help you through this.