I recently went searching for a song that I couldn't quite remember but couldn’t get out of my head, and I finally found it… A Beautiful Goodbye, by Amanda Marshall. She's a Canadian singer from a decade or so ago whose passion for life and love came through over and over again in her songs.
It got me thinking about the goodbyes that we all experience in our lives, the ones that let go of us, the ones we let go of, and the ones we should let go of and don't, and I realized that these lyrics just said everything that I was thinking about perfectly.
I turned up the volume and found myself going back in time. Back to my own painful goodbyes that were so rarely of my own choosing, but were all part of my learning and growing process, even if nothing could have convinced me of that at the time. As I listened to each of her words, everything came flooding back in a swell of tears and emotion.
It made me realize that every time there had been a goodbye, a goodbye that seemed so insignificant to him, every single time, was so painfully heart wrenching for me. As if he had just reached into me and torn my heart right out. For him, it always seemed, it was nothing more than a casual goodbye. And many times there wasn't even a formal goodbye - it just more or less dissolved until it was apparent to me that we just weren't dating any more. I was left alone again with nothing but my broken heart.
But for all of their casual nonchalance, for me it was nothing less than my world crashing down around me. It wasn’t just about me having to let go of yet another relationship that hadn’t kept up to its full potential (which was more of my own making in my own fantasy in my head, than the reality of what the relationship actually was), it was about losing my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies; all those things that little girl inside of me still believed, still wanted. And with each goodbye, with each end, I was losing hope.
As I finished listening to the song, I imagined all the pain and heartbreak of every woman who has ever experienced that kind of goodbye, where she doesn’t realize that it’s not just about the end of a relationship, but in some way, it’s actually the end of a little bit more of her. I don’t think it’s just an accident that Amanda Marshall is singing from a rooftop in the video, or that the scraps of paper are falling to the ground below, or that the wine glass finally falls so gracefully, yet forcefully from the sky to shatter into a million pieces on the ground below, just like our hearts. It's never just about a goodbye, it's about so much more than that. It's our very hearts and souls on the line.
How is it that we allow someone into our lives with such ease and without questioning whether or not they are worthy of being in any kind of a relationship with us before we let them in? How do we forget that we are worth so much more than that? What about you? What about your life? Your passions? Your soul? Your gifts to the world? Your you!
These men who end up saying goodbye, or who never say the words but just disappear from our lives, are so not worthy of any of those beautiful parts of your heart and soul! It's time to let them go. To stop letting them in in the first place. It's time to take back your own power, even if it feels like you no longer have any. It's still all there. It might be buried so deep down inside that you've forgotten you have any, but believe me, it's still there.
This is about you now. It's time to start making choices that are in the best interests of you. So let them go.
Stop the settling for anything less than you deserve to be treated. If he doesn’t treat you like the beautiful woman you are, refuse to settle for those kinds of crumbs. Be absolutely clear first with yourself on how exactly you deserve to be treated, and get that crystal clear before you even accept a date with a guy, and then, and only then, observe his character, see how he treats you - what he says and does - and don’t give him anything of yourself until he shows you that he’s worthy of all that you have to offer. Not anything.
Let him prove his worth to you. Let him show you what he has to offer. Watch and observe. Don’t give yourself away. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally, not in any way no matter how amazing he seems. Until you know him well enough to consider letting him in. And then only on your terms. Not on his. Because you are the one who has worth. You are the one with everything to offer. Let him prove to you that he is deserving of you, not the other way around.
You, beautiful, radiant, loving you, deserve nothing less than this!
I did all that...put her on a pedestal. In the end, she dumped me when the time suited her. Dumping on guys like this makes it harder to believe that women are worth it. As I see it, women have a lot to prove, too.
It can happen to any of us, John, regardless of gender. Know that it's never personal; this was about her and not you. It takes two people on the same page who want the same level of commitment with each other to make a relationship work, and without that, you have nothing. As much as it hurts, you're now free to be with someone who is on your page and will be right for you. You deserve nothing less than this!
I wish I had seen this five years ago before I gave that un deserving idiot all of me and he gave me crumbs. How did it end? I found out he was seeing a girl half his age and wanted to continue seeing me too. Well thank God I removed those rose colored glasses and left him and his new victim. Was it easy? No. Was it painful? Yes. But at the end of it all I learnt from the experience and now I have these men proving to ME that they are worth my time! More women ought to realize that. He has to prove himself to you. When you carry that attitude just watch and see how your dating life will improve.
Exactly, Princess. "He has to prove himself to you. When you carry that attitude just watch and see how your dating life will improve."
Thank you for sharing and inspiring us all!
Sometimes saying goodbye to the fantasy in your head is just as hard if not harder than letting go of a real relationship that is not based on fantasy. I've been guilty of "fantasizing" something where it didn't exist. It's very tempting to do that, especially when you are young and idealistic and have not had anyone to help guide or mentor you about relationships.
I agree with you wholeheartedly about not settling for anything less than I deserve and finding a man who treats me with total love and respect, but I'm 43 and I question whether a single man like that exists at my age. I mean if he was that wonderful and all wouldn't he already be taken?
I totally agree Stacey – it's just as hard, if not harder, to let go of what you made it into in your head, what you so wanted it to be, than to let go of what it actually was. In fact, once we stop the idealizing, we often realize that what it really was is not what we really want anyway, making getting over the goodbye easier.
Regarding not settling for less than you deserve, it's so very important that you stick to that! And the first step, as you know, is to figure out why you've attracted and settled for men who didn't treat you well in the past, and change the behavior that got you there. It's vital that you take a stand and not allow anyone to treat you poorly.
I'm not talking about finding a guy who worships the ground you walk on and treats you like a princess every second of the day; that's a fantasy in itself. Even the very best of couples have arguments and disagreements, but it's about the way those arguments are handled and conflicts are addressed (with true caring and respect) that matters. What I am talking about is looking for a man who is available to have the kind of relationship that you want, who wants to have that relationship with you, and who treats you (and others) generally with kindness and respect.
There are men of all ages out there that meet these three very important criteria; the key is to focus on these criteria without getting caught up in all of the other "must haves" that we all easily get caught up in. I don't know what you're looking for in a guy, but as an example, if you're looking for a man who is over age 43 that has never been married and doesn't have kids, you will be severely limiting yourself. And never having been married and not having kids does not affect the three major criteria mentioned above – that he's into you, he's available for the kind of relationship you want, and he treats you well.
And that's my whole point here; if you focus only on what's really important, you will find that there are many men out there that want to have a real relationship just as much as you do. And right now they're all asking the same thing, "Are all the good ones already taken?" If you think of it like this, you can see that it's about getting out there and quickly sifting through the guys who don't meet the three important criteria, and finding one who does.
And remembering along the way that you deserve nothing less than this. 🙂