Getting to TRUE Love

Finding your YOU that leads to TWO

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Am I the Problem?

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Beautiful woman sitting on the beach, sad because of her breakup, wants to get her boyfriend back.
I must be the issue because it can't be everyone else.

I get a ton of emails but sometimes there are ones that cut right through to my heart. This one was one of them.

I read it through twice and caught my breath. How many times had I whispered exactly the same thing? How many women do I talk to who ask me the same thing?

Jane, she began, I wanted to see if I might have one (or any) email consults left with you or if not can I please buy one? 🙂

I have recently found out I'm likely on the spectrum which explains a few things but I'm really struggling with my family dynamics and feel a bit like I'm too messed up to even be friends with anyone let alone be in a relationship (which I've pretty much given up on).

I feel like I keep getting backed into corners and my health is in decline.

I have become very much a recluse and avoid seeing people because I'm either too unwell or feel like it's a waste of time because I will be rejected sooner or later (because I'm not good company - I really understand that) and it's just too painful to do it anymore so I just stay on my own.Continue Reading

Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Bondage

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Concept of a woman freeing herself from the chains of bondage
It's time to break those chains.

"I'm ready to do the work" she said. "I'm ready to fix this."

"I sabotaged it - I was so insecure and anxious. I did this. Now I only have myself to blame. Can you help me get him back?"

It wasn't her fault. And no, it didn't require any more "working on herself".

Because it wasn't hers to fix.

She hadn't sabotaged it. She was insecure and anxious BECAUSE he gave her reason to be. NOT because she was this way for no reason.

She didn't do this. She wasn't to blame.Continue Reading

Are you still attracting the bad boys? Here's why and how to stop.

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Happy young man and woman in a car enjoying a road trip on a summer day. Couple out on a drive in a open car.
We're attracted to someone who's at ease with what we find difficult.

One of the things I absolutely love about my husband is how he handles surface social settings with such ease. While I'm thinking about what I want to say vs. what I should say or figuring out what's expected of me (because that early PK programming is always right there in my head!), he just shows up normal.

And you know why? Because I was attracted to someone who had ease in an area that I struggled with.

What's just normal and natural to him, is a struggle - or at least a second thought - for me!

My point for you? We're always attracted to someone who can do something we struggle with or don't believe we can do. That thing you're waiting for permission to do? As long as you believe you need permission - or don't give it to yourself, the more you're going to find someone who never looks for permission - or needs it - attractive.

See where I'm going with this?

Whether it's the bad boy, the guy who treats you bad BECAUSE HE CAN, the emotionally unavailable guy who doesn't care if he ever digs deeper because you do all the digging - and understanding - for him, this is why you can't stop being involved with this type of man.

Want to change it? Start here. Start today.Continue Reading

I keep getting dumped - every year

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Silhouette of sad woman looking at sunset over water, shame concept
They always say the same thing...

Our letter this week is from Hope, who wrote to me about her pattern of getting dumped every year. She gets the same reasons every time and is beginning to wonder if she's just unlovable even though she's still so young. She doesn't feel that way.

Did you ever feel that way? This is so familiar to me, it was like looking in a mirror as I read her words. I hope you find my response to be helpful to you as well. Here's what she had to say.

Her Story:

I am 24. I know this is young, but almost every year since I was 17 I have been dumped for exactly the same reasons "the spark is gone", "just don't love you anymore", "just not feeling it anymore".

It's becoming embarrassing to tell my friends that I have been dumped yet again especially when so many of them have been in long term relationships.

I always ask them why and they always say the same thing "you haven't done anything", "you're amazing", "it's me, not you", "I promise you have done nothing".Continue Reading

I KNEW all along

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Beautiful woman smiling at text on phone from her new boyfriend.
He was so excited about me, but then...

Ever look back and realize you were right - that you just KNEW how things were going to go with a new guy you were hoping you'd be wrong about? That's what Sarah wrote to me - I just KNEW, she said. Read on to hear what she told me.

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I love your work. After reading it and trying to do my own work for many years, I've been trying to work on expanding my "ideal" version of a man.

With that in mind, I started talking to this guy online who was outside of the "ideal" but seemed very excited about me. From the get-go, though, I had some concerns - he lives 1-2 hours away, he's somewhat recently divorced, and he's had some family issues.

I was very mindful that these all might become issues.

In fact, after learning more about him over video and phone calls, I thought to myself: There's no way this guy can be ready for what I'm looking for, given everything that's going on! (even though that's not what he was telling me and my concerns hadn't actually yet played out to be true).Continue Reading

It breaks my heart

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A beautiful woman is feeling lonely and sad, feeling as though nothing will ever change.
You're beautiful, you know.

You break my heart, girl. Over and over again.

I see you. You're beautiful, you know. But I know you don't.

You say your thighs are too big, your body not sexy enough, your hair not full or thick enough or too thick or too curly or whatever you see that's not enough or too much.

You only see that you're too old or not pretty enough or you've got that medical/physical condition or that other thing someone labeled you with and then you labeled yourself with it and made it your life sentence.

Too fat, too ugly, too all wrong in all the wrong ways - I hear the awful words you use with yourself and they all add up to one thing - too unlovable. And then you've gone out of your way making sure you prove to yourself exactly that - unlovable.

You pick the meanest guy in sheep's clothing.

No, he's just misunderstood you say and oh that sad childhood he had or that awful luck he's always had. No, girl, he's got what ever has happened to him because he's exactly who he is!

Continue Reading

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