Archives for 2024

There is no more painful a subject of conversation on my calls than what to do with the emotionally unavailable man. The man who is so incapable of feeling his own feelings - let alone empathizing with yours - that he feels like some walled off robot acting on some computer coding deeply embedded in him.

"How can he DO that?" you say.

We will ALWAYS be attracted to this man.

He promises so much hope, so much potential. So much love.

If only we can crack his code.

The reality is, we can't. And even more importantly, even if we could, that reward that seems so close - if we just crack that code we can have that life with him we've always wanted! - is actually never any closer to being realized than when we first started falling for this guy.

Because he can't let his guard down that much for too long.

So what's the answer? What do we actually DO with this type of man?

The only thing that ever works. You find yourself even in the midst of accepting your cravings for him. You accept the attraction you will ALWAYS have for this type of man! And you understand why that makes him so dangerous to YOU because of what he takes away from you with your time, energy, and focus so fixed on fixing him!

This is an addiction to this type of man, an addiction to this type of hope believing that it's ON YOU to bring this guy around! We've been doing this through years of repeated intergenerational trauma, trying to do what the women before us couldn't do, trying to make some guy love us or change for us because we've been given our own programming that a GOOD woman, a DESIRABLE woman, a woman of any WORTH, would be able to BE that woman who cracks the code and changes an emotionally broken man like this.

We have to accept where this is coming from. These are lies we've been told.

We have to resist accepting this challenge that's nothing more than a guy's code for I don't have to change, I'm alright just the way I am, there will always be another woman throwing herself at me because she thinks she can 'help' me and I can stay just the way I am. It maintains the incredibly threatened status quo.

We will always be attracted to the misunderstood broken boy. We will always find his type a challenge to measure our worth on.

And we will always fail and blame it on ourselves for not being good enough to reach him.

Recognize this, accept it, and then lay down the challenge once and for all to do this ever again.

We don't change men like this. Tragically, in the worst ways possible, until we no longer recognize who we used to be, we only end up changing ourselves.

And that is what makes this so dangerous.

I get to drive the way I like.

I get to laugh at the things I find funny.

I get to love the things I love.

I get to choose me over someone else.

I get to choose what to do about something I need to deal with.

And I get to be wrong about it, to change my mind, to do it different next time.

I get to back out, say no, disappoint someone, throw a wrench in their plans if I realize I should never have agreed to it in the first place.

I get to be silly.

I get to be right.

I get to be wrong.

I get to not act my age.

I get to not know who I am some days.

I get to know exactly who I am on other days.

I get to cry.

I get to miss things.

I get to grieve, I get to mourn.

I get to eat what I want.

I get to shave my legs or forget and not care.

I get to wear a swimsuit and it doesn't have to look amazing on me.

I can just swim in it.

I can change from who I used to be.

I can become something entirely different from what someone remembers about me.

I can talk too loud.

I can be completely inappropriate.

I can think you're someone else ... and not be embarrassed if I'm wrong.

I can reminisce about being young again.

I can bawl at a sad movie.

I can still want to change the world in spite of how many people might think that idea is unrealistic and crazy.

I can think in my own way even if it's not your way.

I can be different from you and still be me.

I get to be me.