One of the things I absolutely love about my husband is how he handles surface social settings with such ease. While I'm thinking about what I want to say vs. what I should say or figuring out what's expected of me (because that early PK programming is always right there in my head!), he just shows up normal.
And you know why? Because I was attracted to someone who had ease in an area that I struggled with.
What's just normal and natural to him, is a struggle - or at least a second thought - for me!
My point for you? We're always attracted to someone who can do something we struggle with or don't believe we can do. That thing you're waiting for permission to do? As long as you believe you need permission - or don't give it to yourself, the more you're going to find someone who never looks for permission - or needs it - attractive.
See where I'm going with this?
Whether it's the bad boy, the guy who treats you bad BECAUSE HE CAN, the emotionally unavailable guy who doesn't care if he ever digs deeper because you do all the digging - and understanding - for him, this is why you can't stop being involved with this type of man.
Want to change it? Start here. Start today.
Make a list of everything you don't believe you can do or think you need permission to do that you ACTUALLY want to be able to do. Dig deep - you're used to doing that for him, now do it for you!
Once you realize you don't need him to do this for you, and you don't need to live vicariously through him hoping he'll somehow rub off on you - you'll be free to choose someone who actually complements you, not just someone you're using as a "permission card" until you've had enough practice living off his "I don't care" energy because that's all you know - to care.
Because let's be honest, if you can not care so much, if you can say and do whatever the hell you want to say or do, just how attractive is this guy still going to be to you?!
And it doesn't matter what it is - you can insert anything in here that he does effortlessly, easily that you struggle so much to do yourself.
Only when you become all of you - the unapologetic, no more needing permission version of you that's been conditioned to please and read the cues of everyone to the detriment of you, will you be free to choose someone who's going to be the best possible match for you.
You can do this. Yes, you can!
And if you need help getting started, reach out because no one needs to be in this place alone.
Love,
Jane
What do YOU believe you need permission to do or be that you think only your guy can give you? Say it here - and then give yourself permission to do it starting right now!
Wow, Jane, this is so illuminating! I liked the “bad boys” I dated because I felt they were more relaxed, less stressed, and had the freedom from life responsibilities that I sought. I’d hoped they would bring balance to my life and adventure. Plus, I thought I must be cool, fun, and interesting if I got them to like me. But looking back, I realize the adventurous stuff I did with them were my ideas, all due to my planning, etc. They tagged along and somehow (or so I thought at the time) gave me courage. And I’ve since learned, we all got to develop and practice de-stressing /relax techniques on our own, people can’t really take our stress/worries/fear away for us. But we can. And most importantly, I discovered I am unique, cool, fun, and interesting. Often more so, if I was not encumbered by a bad boy relationship.
Love this, EC. It was for me too!
I guess when I was in the relationship for12 years, I needed to feel like I was understood before I went to work to face difficulties at that time, with office toxicity and I always seemed to be the focus of the office bully. I didn't feel confident to handle the confrontation for fear of causing friction amongs other co-workers & staff or worse losing my job. He gave me a sense of pride and support that I wasn't the problem and I felt the courage to go through it because when he wasn't so supportive and he was sore at me, I could feel the difference in my confidence and it seemed like everything would fall apart. So bottom line I felt I needed his support to have courage fighting my battles with people in my professional life. That's just one of the things I felt I needed him for.
Oh girl I know all about office bullies! The key is to separate him from the confidence he gave you to face them. That was all yours - he was just the container that brought it out in you! There's so many other ways to get that without taking him back!