I keep getting dumped - every year

Our letter this week is from Hope, who wrote to me about her pattern of getting dumped every year. She gets the same reasons every time and is beginning to wonder if she's just unlovable even though she's still so young. She doesn't feel that way.

Did you ever feel that way? This is so familiar to me, it was like looking in a mirror as I read her words. I hope you find my response to be helpful to you as well. Here's what she had to say.

Her Story:

I am 24. I know this is young, but almost every year since I was 17 I have been dumped for exactly the same reasons "the spark is gone", "just don't love you anymore", "just not feeling it anymore".

It's becoming embarrassing to tell my friends that I have been dumped yet again especially when so many of them have been in long term relationships.

I always ask them why and they always say the same thing "you haven't done anything", "you're amazing", "it's me, not you", "I promise you have done nothing".

I am a very self aware person, and I rack my brain trying to think of things I have done wrong, but I really can't. I try so hard to keep things going and to make them happy, I am loving, affectionate, chilled out, fun and not clingy, get along with family and friends. I just don't know what I am doing wrong, I feel so unlovable 🙁

-Hope

My Response:

I hear you, Hope.

You actually sound exactly like me at 24 wondering what was wrong with me too. And I know it doesn't feel at all like you're young when you've been at this for 7 years and are as self-aware as you sound.

Although I haven't had a chance to talk with you personally to get more details on your past relationships and what these guys have been like, I'll tell you what I've learned from my own experience and what I've confirmed over the years through my experience with other women who sound just like you.

It's this part.

"I try so hard to keep things going and to make them happy, I am loving, affectionate, chilled out, fun and not clingy, get along with family and friends."

You're trying so hard to keep things going and to make them happy. This is the problem!

And it's the only one.

You're trying so hard. Too hard. And my guess is you're the only one who's doing all this work, making it a one-sided relationship before you even realize it.

This tells me one important thing. That you hold the belief that you have to try so hard for someone to love you. This is why you're getting these responses.

If everything  is falling on your shoulders, if you're jumping in to prove yourself lovable as the first sign of any natural "silences" in the relationship, because this is what you've been told you're supposed to do, you're taking away his time to pick up the slack and show you who he is and how he cares about you!

What if you stopped trying at the point that you feel like you have to? What if you pulled back right when you would normally go all in with doing extra, doing more - trying so hard - and let him try harder? Would everything fall apart? Would you find out the truth of your relationship here - and have a chance to either talk about where both of you were at, or would you see that there isn't enough compatibility to continue?

You're not alone here, Hope. I hear this from women of all ages, and especially from women who feel so old already even though they're your age. It's because you've already been trying so hard you feel like you've lost so much time, not because it's true.

I hope this helps. Reach out for an introductory coaching session if you'd like to go into more detail. I'm here for you!

Love,

Jane

Have you been here? Do you have any advice for Hope? Tell her in the comments!