Is Online Dating Helping or Hurting You?

Today I had a coaching session with a client going over profiles on a dating app.

I pointed out the things that I saw as obvious red flags or signs of incompatibility the way I usually do, but today something else occurred to me that may benefit you to understand, too.

Online dating is a great way to increase the number of perspective dating prospects in your life by the sheer number of how many more people are accessible to you than the usual meeting in real life, especially lately when real life has been so limited.

But there’s an important caveat to this.

You’re not meeting through mutual interests, you’re not meeting where you have a chance to see someone in their everyday life, or at least somewhere other than just as a profile on a screen.

My point is, you’ve only got a small snapshot to go on, so in that short time, it’s important to know how to use online dating apps to your advantage, not to your disadvantage.

If you’re like my client today, or like most of us, you’re looking for profiles who have all the things you want in a romantic partner.

And that’s fine, in fact it's natural.

But what’s equally as important is that you’re choosing profiles that are actually compatible with you – like the real you, the real person you are. You want to make sure you're the person they're looking for as well.

As an example, my client likes the idea of exercising, as long as it’s not the gym and not overly regimented (think: hiking, biking, the occasional jog, outside whenever possible). But the profile my client was interested in said, right at the top, "I love the gym - I get so excited just looking at the weights."

Now who do you think this gym junkie is going to be looking for? Very likely someone who they can enjoy those glistening weights with, or at least someone who is as much a fitness fanatic as they are (my client is not a fitness fanatic.)

Or another client of mine, who often comes to me with profiles of men who love high adventure - rock climbing, backpacking, back country skiing, etc. But she doesn't do any of those things - although she loves the idea of picturing herself doing them.

You may think this doesn’t matter, that there are all kinds of other things to do together so one thing shouldn't be an issue, and you may be right. But when I'm reviewing profiles I look at where on someone’s description they start talking about this thing they love – is it right at the top? Then it's very important to them.

And in my experience, that usually means they want someone to share that passion with.

So then imagine yourself actually with this person. Is this going to work for both of you?

Too often I see clients trying their luck with people the opposite of who they are. They think if they're with someone who does these things, then they'll start doing them too (even though they never have before.) And sometimes it works out that way.

But more often than not it ends in rejection, because the reality is, they're not really who the other person wants to be with. Trying to be something you're not is not a great strategy.

We can say that it’s all a numbers game, so why not just pick all kinds of profiles to see what comes back, but I also know firsthand the pain of being rejected by these “why not just try it” profiles. And how no response after no response starts to take a toll on your self-esteem.

Let me show you how to choose better.

By choosing someone who’s actually looking for someone just like you, for starters.

If you want a high-flying adventurer to join on his adventures, ask yourself if you still want to be pretending you’re excited about going on adventures with him after the shine has worn off. When you’re ready to go back to the way you prefer your life to be, after you’ve proven to yourself you can fly high if you’ve got someone to play the role of the wind beneath your wings.

I love the idea of someone who brings the wind to your wings and helps you take flight. I love the idea of that as the next person.

But I also know the reality of where that usually leads, when you find out he’s a go-getter and you’d rather be curled up on the couch at home watching rom-coms and you’re both wondering what went wrong (actually mostly you doing the analyzing, he’d still be out in his over-achieving world.)

Yes, opposites attract. Yes, people like this can and do make it work.

But we’re talking about you here, and so the question is do YOU have the stomach for getting what you’re going to call "rejected" by the ones who aren’t going to be the best fit for you in the long run?

If you want some help going through your own dating profiles to choose better matches for you, check out my coaching options here.

Let me know how I can help you!

Love,

Jane

How about you, Beautiful - what has your experience with online dating been like? Tell us in the comments!