I KNEW all along

Ever look back and realize you were right - that you just KNEW how things were going to go with a new guy you were hoping you'd be wrong about? That's what Sarah wrote to me - I just KNEW, she said. Read on to hear what she told me.

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I love your work. After reading it and trying to do my own work for many years, I've been trying to work on expanding my "ideal" version of a man.

With that in mind, I started talking to this guy online who was outside of the "ideal" but seemed very excited about me. From the get-go, though, I had some concerns - he lives 1-2 hours away, he's somewhat recently divorced, and he's had some family issues.

I was very mindful that these all might become issues.

In fact, after learning more about him over video and phone calls, I thought to myself: There's no way this guy can be ready for what I'm looking for, given everything that's going on! (even though that's not what he was telling me and my concerns hadn't actually yet played out to be true).

I actually even explained some of my concerns, and he would validate them and then come up with something to reassure me. Given the level of interest he seemed to be showing in me, I decided to continue to give him a chance.

I should note that as time progressed, I had some concerns that he was coming on too strong.

I actually asked for a little more space because I thought the contact and gestures were too much, especially since we hadn't met in person yet (proud of myself for setting boundaries!) He was respectful of those boundaries.

It took us a bit to schedule a date to meet in person (due to summer travel plans and illness). Eventually, we scheduled a date.

VERY shortly after we finally confirmed plans, everything collapsed.

I got a series of short, odd texts with him admitting to me that he was lying to me about a bunch of things, including his readiness, and that he needed to cancel and not move forward. Then he blocked me on all platforms.

Classic - He came on strong. Then POOF. It was over. I felt almost shell shocked after, just a few hours before, he had come up with these grand first official date plans (which I then had asked to tone down).

On the one hand, this experience feels like a win. I never actually met this guy in person, so I didn't "waste" too much time.

I know this is SO NOT about me. It's nice to know that my instincts were right.

On the other hand, I feel a little dumb that I entertained this guy virtually for as long as I did - in the spirit of trying to be open-minded to new kinds of men, especially to men who seem very excited about me - even though my experience has suggested that he was presenting with some possible serious red flags.

Any thoughts about how to process this? And how do I suss out the men with the serious red flags from the men who show enthusiastic, healthy interest? How are we supposed to know when and when not to give people a chance?

Thanks!

- Sarah

My Response:

Ask yourself this, Sarah. If you had listened to your intuition from the very beginning when you first felt that there was "no way this guy can be ready for what I'm looking for!" and had ended things right then, would you have been second-guessing yourself later on whether you should have given him MORE of the benefit of the doubt than you did?

Of course you would!

I talk to women all the time who come to me with that exact same question.

"What could I have done differently to prevent (insert whatever happened) from happening? How can I prevent it from happening again?"

And my answer is always the same. Just like you'll second guess yourself when you stay longer than your first gut instinct that something's off, you'll also second-guess yourself when you get out early if you don't meet someone else right away.

The point is we're ALWAYS second guessing ourselves one way or another! The problem is deeply rooted in our cultural programming as women - that began as young girls - to do the opposite of trusting ourselves; we've learned NOT to trust what we intuitively KNOW.

Instead, we've got to learn to trust ourselves with what we feel when we feel it and then from that place, we have to decide what we want to do with that information. So if you were right - as you later found out  - that there really was "no way he's ready", what does that mean for your decision making in that moment? Meaning, before you have more information - because you're not going to get more information until you hang around a little longer - what can you live with better? Is it easier for you to accept and make peace with yourself for taking the risk to give someone a little longer that may still break your heart and waste your time? Or is it easier accepting you ended it then to make sure you didn't run the risk of that broken heart even if it meant you might have ended something before you gave it enough time?

Relationships are always going to be a risk, Sarah.

Giving someone your time, energy and attention will always be a risk. There's no way around it when your heart's involved. The key is to get to know how you feel about taking risks in your relationships so you can understand which is the risk you can better live with - and for that, you have to know yourself really well in this area!

I have one final piece of advice that's been proven true more times than I can count, so hear this one loud and clear.

When you referred to this guy as someone who was "very excited about me" - that told me everything. That's the point you knew something even if you didn't realize it until later. Someone who's that excited about you when you've literally just met is going to be a red flag no matter how flattering that feels or how much that may seem like a green light. It's not.

Of all the relationships I've coached women through and analyzed over the years, the ones where the guy starts out "so excited about me!" when he doesn't even know you yet beyond a dating profile, a picture or some other preliminary information, consistently ends exactly the way you've described what happened to you more often than not.

A healthy guy with a healthy approach to relationships and commitment in general has learned that you never know someone until you really take the necessary time to get to know them, so he simply doesn't get that excited in a way that you can tell so clearly UNTIL he gets to know you so much better.

The bottom line, excitement comes later with the ones worth getting to know. That much excitement in the very beginning only assures you that there's a reason he feels so lucky to have the chance to get to know you better and that reason is not going to be a good one!

Of course you KNEW! Now go use that knowing to get to know your appetite for risk now that you know how to read that kind of early excitement. As for that intuition of yours? Celebrate it. It's your gift!

Love,

Jane

How about you? Do you give people too much of a chance? Or too little? Tell us in the comments!