Nikki's writing to me today about challenges she's experienced around her friendships with other women. She's looking for some advice and I've got some for her! See if this is something you can relate to as well.
Here's what she wrote:
Dear Jane,
Thank you for this website. Every article you have written has applied to me. I really needed to read ALMOST ALL your articles today. I am "that single girl". Smart, attractive, nice funny, great job, etc. but can't keep a man or friends for that matter.
I have been the girl to stay in bad relationships for fear of being alone, compromising myself to fit in with people that did not honor me. I am also the single girl at all family gathering. Yes, even the young ones in the family, are married and popping out babies.
I deleted my Facebook account because I was so sick and tired of seeing people and their fabulous lives, getting married, having kids and travelling to great exotic locations with friends etc.
But someone spoke to me about being worthy and honoring myself - messages which are in your articles; and I can see some small changes in my life. I am becoming more content, not there yet but I will be.
I am happy I came across your website. It's good to hear from someone who has been there done it. From reading the comments, it's good to know that I am not the only one. LOL I wish I had some of your articles while I was going through some stuff. Do you have advice about friendships between women?
My Response:
Dear Nikki,
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad you've found my website and what you're reading is resonating with you. I hear everything you're saying, my beautiful friend. And what you've been finding is so true. Knowing your worth, honoring your true self, and believing in you - these all provide the foundation for building your self-esteem and self-confidence and ultimately paving the way for someone who is truly worthy of you to find his way into your life! It's a journey, and it never happens as quickly as you'd like, but once you get this, once you see how it all begins, you start changing your old patterns of the past and start attracting and being attracted to something different than before.
I've been there, Nikki, and I've experienced so much of what you're talking about. Including this question you raise about friendships between women. Ironically, or maybe not as I've come to learn, this comes up frequently in my sessions with women when we're talking about the men in their lives.
I've come to believe this has to do with a certain amount of competitiveness among us, as well as a belief in scarcity, or there not being enough men - or at least good men - to go around, and the feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem within ourselves. Without even realizing it, if we aren't confident in our own ability to attract and "keep" a man, if our own track record of relationships is not as we'd like it to be, and if we continually see other women as seeming to have something that we are lacking, it's hard to keep all those negative beliefs from affecting our relationships with other women.
In fact, it makes it hard for us to be around someone who seems to have an easy time with relationships and has the confidence and self-esteem we lack, if we always feel inferior to them and find ourselves wishing we were more like them. Being around someone who raises this awareness of our own "short-comings" in comparison to them, can also leave us feeling like there's even more wrong with us then if we didn't have this "mirror" so to speak, by which we are judging our own lives in comparison to this other person.
Whether or not any of this is actually true of that person, or of ourselves, doesn't really matter as long as we perceive this to be the case. But if being around someone like this gives us reason to feel any of this more often then not, it's of little wonder that these friendships won't work out or last for very long under these circumstances.
But since this is really all about us, and not about the other person, we can change this by seeing it for what it really is - something our culture has taught us from an early age that's become ingrained in us and NOT a reflection of the actual reality. More than anything else, it serves a society and culture that profits from keeping us in competition with each other and believing in a zero-sum outcome where there's only room for one of you to succeed.
If we can see that no one has anything more than we do; that it's only our perception and our programmed and cultural beliefs and our resulting thoughts and actions that make this our reality, we can remember that we all have our shortcomings, that none of us is perfect, and that even our friends who seem to have it all together have their own stories and their own issues to overcome.
It changes the perceived imbalance we feel when we can see the role we play and take back our own power by building up our own confidence and learning to love ourselves for the beautiful unique individuals we are, without this comparison to anyone else or anyone else's life. Eventually, we reach a point where we can have friendships easily with other women because we no longer feel any lack in comparison to them, we simply enjoy their friendship and what they do provide us with, instead of feeling worse when we are around them.
I hope this helps, Nikki. I know you're not the only one who finds friendships with other women challenging!
Love,
Jane
How about you? Do YOU find your friendships with other women challenging? What do you struggle with? Share it here!
This feels a little timely since I recently got to the point where I realised I actually very few friends (of whatever gender - this seems fairly irrelevant in my case). Many acquaintances, but few friends. Then, just one proper friend, plus my ex who I was trying to build a friendship with. This week, both have let me down big time, and now I have literally no one. A bank holiday stretching ahead with no close person/people to spend it with. I am in a very dark place. I fear there must be something very wrong with me to get to age 40 and find that my friendships have dwindled to zero. Thoughts such as, What if I have a personality disorder? What if the problem really is me? But then, I also wonder if this needs to happen - to get to ground zero so to speak so that I can start to rebuild my life from authenticity and commit to really sharing how I feel (when people upset me etc, rather than just quietly fuming to myself all the time). Jane, I wonder about your thoughts on this. It's literally got to this point: there is no one in my life with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings anymore - no one left that I trust. I tried finding my tribe many times only to find them all gone in the end. I worry my standards are too high (and who the hell am I actually going to spend this summer with???)... but then I also worry that I've been taking too much s*&% from people who talk a good story about being a friend/say they're there for me etc, but in the end, when the chips are down, are not.
Good morning ! My friendships with other women?! That started at a very young age.
First, let me say that I am a "Daddy's Girl." Even though my father has been gone over 20 years, I still have that mentality. Being a Daddy's Girl presented its own challenges with my mother and my sister, though I didn't really start to realize it until my teen years.
I did not really have a lot, of keep a lot, of female friends. I found them to be jealous and back-stabbing. Most of them pretended to be my friend to be around my brothers. And I spent my weekends with my brothers to be around their friends, because girls were just so fake. But this had a spiraling effect, because my female friends stayed around me because I stayed around boys. Even my sister, and her friends. And as a result of this, I have some masculine qualities that get me in trouble with men. Having such a feminine appearance, with some inward masculine way of thinking, and Daddy's Little Girl mentality. Wow!!
Having been married over 23 years, having 3 sons and 1 daughters, those qualities have remained. And now that my marriage has ended, I find myself having more female friends with relationship issues. And sometimes I just can't help but wonder if we really hold each other up, or keep each other down. Wanting a healthy relationship so badly for ourselves, that we keep our lady friends dragged down because we subconsciously don't want them having one until we do.
I struggle in relationships for all the reasons you mentioned, and more.
With coronavirus, I've been feeling like such a hermit.
I've also been in relationships I didn't want to be in my whole life. Now my youth has passed me by and there seems like no reason to keep trying, other than that there is nothing else to do, which is somehow even more sickening.
It doesn't help that, as you said, society keeps throwing reasons at us as to why we're not enough. It's subtle and toxic and insidious.
Even though I do Byron Katie's home sessions every week, am in an LOA study group, have been in counselling for years and do every masterclass I come across, I still barely have the energy to keep going.
Often, I don't. I honestly just give up and power eat the sugary treats, neglect myself and give in to the fact that my youthful skin, hormones and days of endless opportunity and potential is over.
Now it's just a slow, seemingly suicidal slog to the end. Every day just another step closer to ultimate failure. Even though it's two steps forward, one step back, it feels like two steps forward, eight steps back.
Yet I'm not just as hollow as the pores in my nose. There is something in me that longs for a life of prosperity. Even though nothing is assured (What if it all falls apart (More than it already has!)? What if my kid/s become addict/s? WHAT IF IT NEVER FALLS TOGETHER?! Etc. ad nauseum.)
This keeps me locked in, and my skeptical nature about any self help this or guru that or coach this or counsellor that reminds me that while these people may want to help, that doesn't mean they will be able to help for the million reasons your mind is about to serve you.
This worry, fear of failure, fear of missing out is like a slowly growing mold that I can only keep patiently cleaning off while hoping that one day, the time will come when that's no longer a chore and then replaced with something more.
I keep my dreams in my mind like the stars. Remembering they're always there, even during the toughest days is becoming less of a challenge and more of a joy. I'm learning how easy it is to drop the heavy weight of fault and allow space for me to grasp the reins of responsibility. I'm learning how fun it is to be alone, to be me, to be free and how to do all that.
I don't know why I wrote all that. I do know I need to go now...laundry is done and needs hanging up to dry. Whether you read this or not, it was cathartic to write. I hope you have a good day, and keep following the stars in your mind. The best stars.
Most woman will stab you in the back the first chance they get. Or they want to treat you like, a doll. Someone they need to "change".
I have been blessed that I have many women blessed! Yes there were days when Facebook and some of pictures made me sad a d sometimes jealous! But biggest thing I always do is stay positive and have learned to live myself and my life! Keep working on that and maybe a positive day! If you man or woman doesn't respect you, treats you bad remove them from your life! Once you get a lot of confidence and feel good about yourself you will attract friends!