Our letter this week comes from beautiful Michelle who's heartbroken over a man who's seeing someone else. She knows he doesn't deserve her, but she's having a hard time letting him go. Sound familiar?
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
I'm hoping you can help me. I've been in a 5 year relationship with a man I'm in love with who so clearly doesn't love me.
We were seeing each other regularly until about a month ago when I found out he's been seeing someone else. I'm heartbroken. We haven't talked since then.
I'm so sick of this mess, but I don't know what to do to stop loving him. I want to forget about him and move on with my life, but I always believe that as soon as I do, he's going to change and I'll miss out on what we could have been.
I know I should be able to just leave him and not look back, but I can't seem to find the strength to do that. I need your help. I just can't seem to stop loving him even thought I know he doesn't deserve me!
Thank you.
-Michelle
My Response:
You've already made a huge first step here, Michelle. You've realized that he doesn't deserve you, and that alone is huge!
Because he doesn't. He's not there. He can't be what he might want to be. And you're both so far apart. He's not capable of being what you need him to be - and you are not asking for too much! Begin by writing down everything that he can't - or won't - give you.
Write down all the things he's done to you. Make a list of all the ways he treated you poorly. I mean, he's seeing someone else!
Don't let yourself go there by having this list handy so that you can remind yourself immediately of what you would really be getting back.
The part that you're having the hardest time letting go of actually has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with your dreams, your hopes, your investment in the relationship.
We don't ever stay that long when we're treated this way; we stay because we know it could be so different if only he would change, and we keep waiting and staying because we can't let that part go.
So that's what you need to focus on here. There is no dream. There is no hope. There is no "what it?"
There is only the reality of what is.
What he has done. The way he's treated you. The affect this has all had on you and your beautiful you that you are probably having a hard time seeing right now.
There will be someone else again, Michelle, who won't treat you this way. But it's a long road back when you've been with someone like this and they've taken a toll on you. So start now.
Resolve to do this for you.
You don't need someone like this in your life taking up your time and energy when you could be spending that same time with someone who truly deserves you and wants to be fully with you in a committed relationship.
Forgive yourself, forgive him. Not because it absolves him of his role here, but because forgiveness is about giving you back your peace and allowing you to move on knowing you did your best but it wasn't up to you.
It never is. It always takes two to make a relationship work and if he's not there, he's not there. There are no "should's", no regrets, just what is. And what you can now do about it.
Write it all out. Put it in a letter to him if you need to without sending it.
This is for you, not him. Surround yourself with people who support you and love you and believe in you and don't judge you. Be selective. You don't need any judgement. Only love and support.
Keep reminding yourself of the reality and not the fantasy anytime you're tempted to discount how bad it really was or how he really treated you.
And then go find you, Michelle! You're in there, you've got so much to offer, so much to give, so much life in there in that beautiful heart and soul of yours.
Don't let anyone tell you what you can or can't do. You can!
Listen to that little girl inside you that knew all along you deserved better. She knows. Go live. Leave him behind. Leave anyone behind who doesn't love and embrace the real you. You can do this!
Love,
Jane
It's your turn to tell Michelle what you think she should do. Let her know in the comments!
Oh Michelle, I have been and still am where you are. I was going out with my gut for like 10 years. He always strung me along. He did not want to be in a committed relationship.....not yet anyways. Then he rebooked up with an old girlfriend and started going out. I k ow about her, she does not know about me. He sees both of us, but the other women gets all the perks. Going fun places, out to dinner, to concerts, lots of loving text messages, going to a family party etc. What do I get? Going to a crappy bar and a booty call. I am so sad. Why can't he treat me nice, take me places. He doesn't love me, but I so want to be with him. Why can't he love what he is wrong with me. This situation has ruined my life.
He will come back. They always do.
For a brief moment you may feel happy, but he will do it again and it will hurt even more. Trust me, I know...I'm the dumny that has lived this " non relationship relationship" for years. Relationships shouldn't be painful. Period.
Moving on sucks, but more because of how you feel about yourself, rather than how you think you feel about him. Love yourself again and so will someone else!
I’ve been there Michelle. It’s not easy letting go of someone you love even though he didn’t love you back. When I say this to you it’s easier for me now to see the part where I say “he didn’t love you back” and understand what that really means. It means that the man you were seeing for 5 years and fell in love with was just a fantasy of what you saw and thought the relationship’s potential could be. We always fall in love with the fantasy of it all but don’t see all the red flags and so we hold on to that sparkle of hope. All along he has other plans but has strung you on, because he can, (he knows you will put up with him and take him back no matter what) until he’s ready to move on to the next person. When I think of a man that does this to women I think of a coward, a reckless person who doesn’t know how to love. I never would’ve allowed a man to treat me that way but I did and for many years all because I saw potential in him, in the relationship and so I allowed him to step all over me and treat me like a mat. Until one day I felt different, I saw different and I knew that it was time for change. It didn’t take anyone to come into my life to make me see and feel differently about him, it just took me being fed up and really seeing all the bad things he did and said to me. Now when I remember all the hurts I get even more angry at him and at myself for allowing all that bs in my life. Time is precious and I wasted years on a man who didn’t deserve me and didn’t know how to love. He will never know how to love a woman properly. He will always have issues with his relationships. I don’t want to be part of that anymore. I know what I want and what I deserve and I know it’s so much more than what I was settling for. Give it time apart and you will see how some day you’ll look back and thank God you didn’t end up with him. You deserve SO much more! Give yourself that chance and let go of what’s blocking your pathway. What’s ahead of you is better than what you’re leaving behind believe me. You’re here so like Jane mentioned you took the first step. Get to know YOU and you will realize that YOU are an amazing person and YOU know how to love, and give of yourself in such a selfless, loving way and you deserve to be loved back in the same way. Once you see this in yourself it will be like gold! You won’t want to give it away to just anyone. The right man will come along and see all that is good in you and will count his lucky stars that he met you. Wishing you all the best!
Wow Marisa!! Thank you for sharing this. You said it all. Such good advice here. 🙂
Thank you Diana! It comes from the heart and well all those experiences I’ve had. I know why God allows us to go through things sometimes. He wants us to share our stories and help others. I’m blessed I can do my part even if it’s a small part I know it can help someone.
Sure is, Marisa. Thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome Jane! Thank YOU for all the great advice and for your empathy which is what makes everyone on here know that someone understands us and knows what we are or have been through. Much love to you! Blessings!!
Aw, thank you, Marisa. So glad that comes through. Sending so much love right back to you!
Thank you Jane! God bless you.
Great advice.
Great reply.
Such excellent and spot on advice again, Jane! I can totally relate to her… The five years and how she feels. Difference is I’m not sure but I think mine has moved me into the friend zone, no time for me hardly ever anymore, I never know. Sadly, it’s always all about him.
So I am going to refer back to your advice and do that work. I was tired a long time ago of being miserable in between small space of time he could give me but now they’ve gotten so far apart that what else am I supposed to think. I just wish that some men would be upfront and tell us when they’re done instead of fading away or worse, choosing someone else right under our nose.
On to healing and continuing to do my best to create the life I want for me.
Sorry that I have no advice to give you Michelle but just to say ditto to all Jane said!
And like someone once said in a book… “Don’t waste the pretty!!”
Agree with you Diana. I was seeing my guy for years, then he hooks up with an ex. I should have walked away right then and there. But I kept seeing him, hoping he would see how wonderful I was. No she gets all the nice perks. Going places, family events, dinners I get nothing only going to a crappy cheap bar, oh and a booty call. My selfesteem must be very low to put up with this. And your right, why can't the guy come out and tell us it's over? I asked mine a number of times if he wants "her" then let me know. He says it's not like that at all, he wants to be with me. Lies, lies, lies. I am heart broken.
Kelly, I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. Just know that it will lessen and one day go away. Just keep listening and applying what Jane is saying here.
I also totally agree with what Marisa said earlier. It doesn’t and shouldn’t take a new guy to help us realize our worth and move on. But we have to dig deep and focus on our lives and start really loving our lives and ourselves more than any man we give our attention to. Even in a healthy relationship, we need to first be focused on ourselves, loving ourselves, our lives and building a life for ourself apart from that person so that we have something to give to the relationship.
Please don’t put all your hope in this guy. Yes, it could be the fantasy you’ve built around what you wanted and hoped for with him, but that doesn’t lessen your pain.
Just take each day and be thankful for it and all the good people and situations in your life and focus on you and what makes you happy apart from love. And I promise you, the right man for you will show up in your life. It may not be now, it could be years from now. You need time to heal from all this. But it really won’t matter when, because you will be happy in your own life, and without a reckless man complicating it.
I knew you could, Diana. Thought of you!
Thanks Jane. All our talks and all your advice is and has been so very helpful. We are blessed to have you!
Thank you, Diana. It's been my absolute pleasure to walk through it all with you. And look at how far you've come, girl! So glad they've been resonating so much with you!
Everything in the email was Correct an hit very close to home
I Think money issues an bad luck are my true pain an stress
Hearing you, Kirsten. Can we change that luck around with a little love and hope and compassion and kindness sent out to you instead?
Michelle, it is very hard to let go of the love you have for a man! But although we try to analyze why and it plays on your emotions we need to work threw our emotions and try and let go! I still talk to my guy and he seems to still care so my fight is do I let myself invest in relationship or figure out how to walk away! Good luck to you!
Do what you can live with, Jan. No one gets to say what it should look like; it's about what you can actually live with that matters above anything - or anyone else!