I've got something for you to do today.
I want you to find the worst thing about you, the part of you that you most wish you weren't, and turn it around.
What's the other positive side of it? What other purpose does it serve?
I used to hate how sensitive I was, I saw it as such a flaw. But when I could finally see the other side of it, the part that allowed me to feel another's pain, to sense when I was around people who were safe or unsafe, and to experience joy as deeply as I experience sadness, I came to accept and embrace that part of me as well.
There's something about accepting what we call a flaw and turning it around that makes us stronger, more confident, because we know more of who we are and why we're exactly the way we're meant to be.
What is that "flaw" - that's anything but a flaw - for you? Tell me in the comments, I want you to hear exactly what it is!
Love,
Jane
I hate that Im negative.
What did you have to learn to become negative to protect yourself from, Ann? Or said another way, what threat does being positive pose? There's always a reason we learn what we do and it'll help you if you can find out where this one comes from. Hearing you.
Im very clingy
So tell me this, Elizabeth. Would you still be clingy if you were with someone who didn't give you any reason to doubt he was 100 percent on the same page as you?
I give too much of myself away.
Flipped around, I am genuinely generous and want to give as much of myself as I can.
You're speaking my languge here, Meg! So you just have to make sure you're only with people who are also genuinely generous and want to give as much of themselves as they can too. See how that works?
My "flaw" is being way too tolerant and forgiving. I let some pretty bad things slide for my own peace and unfortunately some people take it as an invitation to see what else I'll put up with.
They do and they will, Helen, confirming 100% for you that they're the wrong ones for you! We can't be with people like this because we value peace and harmony over our own self-respect and when we show up like this, they won't respect us either. Don't change you, just either learn with me how to set better boundaries with people if you want to try to navigate through these relationships, or don't do anything except avoid people like this from ever stepping into your life again!
Being too sensitive and too nice. I once was told I was too nice to be a nurse manager and that was when I started hardening myself and hiding my sensitivity. Also in nursing school I was told not to show my feelings. I was also told that my daughter was too dependent on me and we were too enmeshed. I remember feeling like I had to pull away and not be affectionate. My daughter now she is grown now has resentment for her perception that I wasn't loving and too stern. I took the sensitivity and kindness who I was and turned it into assertiveness, control, and being closed off from my feelings. Why would I listen to them.
Because you were just being a "good little girl" turned "gets along well with others" woman, Debra, who learned to maintain peace and harmony at all costs - to you.
I hate rejection. Even if it is from someone I am seeing that I know is probably not the best for my future and even if it is a dead end relationship and only temporary, I still hate the rejection part of it. Maybe I feel like I am always being rejected. Probably because I pick the wrong men and get attached to them but it still hurts.
And then it becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy. Rejection always hurts, Lisa, even with what we know in our heads. It's such a triggering event of so many things, we have to recognize why we keep choosing the men most likely to reject us before we can stop it from happening again!
I can't find your unsubscribe section on the emails you send me, can you please unsubscribe me from your email list I would like to stop receiving your emails. IfThank you.
It's right below the paragraph at the botton of every email you get from me, Faz, where I explain why you're getting my emails and what to do if you don't want them anymore (click the unsubscribe button and it walks you through). I've taken care of this for you and wish you all the love and happiness you deserve! ❤
I am a caregiver and when someone is in my very small circle that can be a problem. It makes me very vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I have learned to embrace this because it really is a good quality but it does need to be managed at times..
So true, Diane. Especially in small circles. So glad you've discovered the key is in managing these beautiful qualities of yours, not eliminating them from your essence!
My strength, I can be to forceful at times, makes me seem bossy or pushy to people.
Danielle, do you think you might be forceful because you're afraid you're not going to be heard - or taken seriously? In which case this would be a completely understandable and very normal response instead of what you've been labelling it as?
I am needy, feel worthless, get jealous, way to sensitive, over react, over think, don't like myself, stay in bad relationships just to get some love.
I have felt all of those things at one time or another. I'm learning to reprogram from that mindset. Something I find quite helpful is to talk to myself, out loud, while looking in the mirror. I tell myself the things I would tell my best friend. ...or whoever.
I am worthy
I deserve to be treated well
I am just as important as anyone else
I can do this or that
etc I hope this helps. Xoxo
Love this, Helen. Thanks for sharing! ❤
What if you didn't need to stay with someone like this who can't see you and doesn't appreciate the qualities in you just to get some love, Kelly? Can you imagine a life like that?
I read your post..I too see my sensitive and caring nature as a flaw..the Good news is that from experiences and past relationships that even though everybody is different I have learned ways of better listening to others and step back rather than trying to chase or force things to what I want. Instead even though I don't always get the right result it may be better for me to find out and let things be and to be more understanding to people especially when dating. I have an inner strength about me as I've grown and faced alot of adversity and know that time heals everything.The more esteemable acts you do for yourself brings you happiness from within, and accomplishing your goals and when people or men see that it makes you more attractive and confident to others. I also have been getting counseling from a psychiatrist which truly helps.
You've got it, Lisa! This is where true confidence comes from. There's no shortcut to this, and no person outside of you who can do this for you. So glad you've got support from someone who it sounds like is seeing you! ❤
Im too emotional, passionate and care way too deeply....
For who, Amanda? For you? Or for for someone else? Who's gauging whether you're too much of any of these - and why do they hold so much sway over you to cause you to feel the same way about someone as exquisite as you?
I think my "flaw" is that I fall in love too quickly, Jane. This opens me up to a lot of heartache. I wish I could just sit back, enjoy the moment and be more analytical than I am.
You're so not alone on this one, Michelle! Keep reminding yourself that the beginning is only the information stage: neither of you know each other well enough yet to know if that chemistry is going to turn out to be the real thing! I know that's easier said than done, but coming to terms with the reality that this is what you do to yourself, and embracing it lovingly when you see it coming with an observant "oh here we go again!" will make it easier to detach from yourself in love, instead of the usual shame encased in a repeat performance of that same scenario all over again!
I too am like Tania, needy and sensitive. After reading everything and purchasing e books I turned it all around. Unfortunately this did the opposite and My man up and left. I'm so confused.
Sounds like he liked you best the way you used to be, Lisa. Not everyone wants growth and positive change in their partners, especially if he felt you didn't need him for what you used to need him for and your relationship was based on you playing the role of needy person and his was the reciprocal role of that neediness.
My flaws are that I am sensitive, needy and can be overly jealous when I feel that the other person is keeping stuff from me. And when I start over thinking things I will face it head on and ask. In my previous relationship when I tried to discuss my thoughts/fears etc he would shut the conversation down. I can see how the sensitive thing can be changed to positive but need guidance with the rest, please.
Feelings of neediness and jealousy are a completely normal and understandable response when someone gives you reason to believe you can't trust them, Tania. What I see so clearly in your words here is that your totally normal responses have been normalized for you the other way, as being NOT normal, overly emotional, wrong and whatever else someone who didn't like these responses in you because of what they exposed in them! - has gotten away with normalizing for you! So in this context, it's not just that someone has an opinion of our behavior or doesn't like our response to their actions - that would be harmful enough if this is who we've surrounded ourselves with. Worse, is that you internalized these behaviors of yours into the problem, not what triggers these feelings in the first place. So the focus becomes on you and your emotions or responses, etc., and not on the actual behaviors that caused them. Nothing can change without a focus on the actual problem - his behavior, and he's just successfully manipulated the conversation onto what is "wrong" with you, instead of putting it where it can be resolved, at the root of the behavior causing it. This is where the damage is always done when we take their labeling/judgement of us and make it our own. That's how it stays with us and keeps us from rising above it. It's this same conditioning to look at ourselves and accept this blame instead of pushing back on what we sense is really the issue if we allowed ourselves to, for the sake of harmony or peace or just so he doesn't leave - that keeps us here. Of course you want to face it head-on and have a conversation about it. You know you're response isn't the problem! And of course he shuts the conversation down because he wants to keep the focus on you and your response to absolve himself of taking any responsibility for his role here. This is an eye-opener to most women when I explain it like this precisely because it's so ingrained in us to accept that if we could just stop being so needy and overly jealous, all our problems would go away. Did this help? I'm really glad you posted here, Tania.
Thanks Jane that makes so much sense and helps a load. I need to somehow copy my original response along with your answer to continue to remind myself of this, so I can grow and continue to see this pattern for what it is.