There's something a lot of us are doing that needs to change, too. This one keeps coming up as a behind-the-scenes theme in so many of my calls with you.
For all of us nurturers, the fixers, the harmonizers. If you're paying attention because these titles are so familiar to you, I'm saying this directly to you.
Listen. Feel this one with me.
Take a deep breath.
It's not yours to fix. It's not yours to carry.
The only reason it feels so heavy and overwhelming is because it always HAS been yours to fix. What if you don't? What if you let other people take care of themselves and their own problems? What if you let go of needing to help, to fix, to um... control?
What if everything doesn't fall apart and people don't hate you? What if they do and what if it does?
Well, they can still figure it out. Or they can actually ask you for your help this time. But all this caring for everyone and everything else is absolutely exhausting you girl, no wonder you're so tired!
Everyone's going to be just fine and if they're not, they'll figure out how to take care of themselves this time - a valuable lesson if there ever was one.
You can love someone, you can help someone, you can offer all your insight and resourcefulness to someone but you can stop at the point that it all starts to feel too heavy for you.
That's not a fault in you. Not a weakness. It's a wake-up call that all of this for everyone else is taking you away from being there for you!
Deep breath.
Feel better yet?
I've got you, Girl! We'll do this together.
Love,
Jane
Are you the nurturer, the fixer, the harmonizer? Let me know in the comments below!
I have to have a guy that I can fix. That all changed when my new friend and I met finally. Immediately I felt relaxed and comfortable. I wouldn't want to change him because we just click.
So I started dating this guy a month ago he had lost his ex girlfriend to a over dose 3 months ago I asked him if he was ready for a relationship he told me absolutely so I gave this a shot all he does is talk about her compairs me to her one day he is pulling me in and another he pushes me away I really like him but he is pushing me away fast 🥺🥺
Thank you for this message. This is totally me. I am trying to stop this codependency rescuing mentality.
I'm so glad it helped, Becca. Codependency is a beast, but from someone who's fought this most of my life, there's hope for breaking this learned response to chaos that starts with recognizing it and the reasons behind it. It doesn't define you; it's a coping behavior that served you better than not invoking it. And if we can learn it as well as we did, we can unlearn it. You share my heart, girl!
I am fixer, harmonizer, and the nuturer I always try to make sure everyone else is happy before I do forvmy self.
Do all that for yourself, Mary, without allowing the usual messaging to insert the word selfish. We listened to all the wrong people and believed them without realizing they were so wrong!
I'm the nurturer.
I'm sure you are, Brenda, and it's a quality to be celebrated and reserved for the ones who have something to offer in return to you! ❤
Did I ever need to hear this today! I am the fixer to the point of staying up worrying about it. I know I spend so much of my time and energy making sure everyone else is ok, I'm exhausted, stressed, drained and anxious wondering about what if... what will happen if I don't...
I know I need to stop and will reread this until I remind myself every day that I cannot fix and repair everyone. Stop making decisions for everyone else and make my own.
This is the type of men I've always chosen- the ones who need to be fixed, who lean on me to tell them what to do, to nurture them, and then- what about me?
Thank you Jane, my words of wisdom for today and onwards
Exactly, Julia, what about you?! So glad this resonated with you.
So me!!! All of them while not thinking of my own needs. I’ve said recently that I’m trying to fix in others what’s broken in me.... how crazy is that! And it never works for any of us.
Not crazy, Celane, makes perfect sense. And that's exactly why the pull is so strong. See my post "the mirror"!
Yes, I am a nurturer and at this point it hurts to not be on connection to my friend that has decided to not move closer so we can be together. He is isolated and so lonely. I wish he would move closer to his family and friends so he can have support and community yet he refuses to. he wants me to move closer to him. I think of this but have family and friends here and need them in my life. I long to be near but have this lingering feeling that it is not right at this time in my life. Like we connected in the wrong season. I connect with him to help me feel a bit better but feel that I am helping him get stronger so he can move on easier. This is so backwards and sad. I am very confused.
Because he's confused too. We can't look to someone who's contributing to the confusion with his own confusion to make it clear to us. We have to do this for ourselves and ironically, without them, we always know. With them, we're back to confused. The common denominator is him, not you!
I needed to hear this today.....I’m trying to learn to let go of fixing everyone else and helping everyone else and just focus on me but the regrets I feel are overwhelming and I should not feel that way.....it should be all about me now.... I needed to hear these words from you....thank you
So glad it resonated with you, Kimberly. Now list out your regrets one at a time, take out the shoulds and replace them with "I could". Words matter. And you did
the best you could with what you knew at the time! ❤
I don't understand how you get in my head and address exactly the point at which I am at in either my relationship or my life. I have posted here before, about my 8+ year relationship in which I was giving 110% and getting back 10%. Always going to him and only on his terms. You knew my story as you called me out about it in many e-mails, not ever having spoken to me personally, somehow you just knew. I stuck by this man for almost 9 years, loving him through anything that came along and then some. And him always pushing me away, pulling me in, pushing away, pulling in. Keeping me off balance and I didn't know from day to day what I really meant to him. Gradually, the emotional scars took over and a switch flipped. My love turned to resentment and anger and I walked out a month ago. I am shocked that my feelings of love for him have vanished, as I loved him so much, I will believe that God has a hand in this. I have since been very protective of my need to be alone to figure myself out and have been reading, listening to podcasts, meditating and really getting to know myself. Not my EGO self, but what lies beneath that - the true self, the soul. I am relieved that I no longer look for love in others and have truly found it in myself. All the pieces come together when that happens. You have preached that so many times, and I finally heard you. The only thing I struggle with right now is not worrying about how he is doing, I don't ever want him to hurt. I don't love him anymore but I do care and your message today about not being able to fix someone - they need to do it them self - just gave me the answer I needed to let it go completely and move on with my life.
Thank you Jane!
I never know who I'm talking to, but wow, Maggie. I'm so glad it was you! (Give him to God or whatever you believe in. God loves him, too!)
I am the fixer. I am in the process of changing that but I feel like I was closer to people when I was involved. I feel like that was my connection. I need people to need me in order to fell useful. Doing things for myself just feels empty. I like helping people. I just need to make sure I am helping the ones that don’t take at advantage. I need to make sure I am not crossing the line of helping and controlling.
Exactly, Lori. You finished my sentence as I was reading your words - just can't be one-sided like this!
Wonderful advice!!
Going to be the new me for 2021. Take care of me for once instead,😊
I make everything too great for everyone else & then I suffer.
So glad I was able to give you what you neded today, Ray. Suffering is learned so we can unlearn it. I share this programming, too!
Yes... I always have been. The nurturer... The fixer... The rescuer... The harmonizer... And I love being able to help people when and however I can... But it can be exhausting... And why am I the ONLY ONE who feels compelled to do this for them!?! But if I can... Then shouldn't I if its needed? I certainly hope if I was in need that some one would be gracious enough to help me if they were able.
If you can truly be that unconditional, then yes, Constance. It's just that most of us give and give and give with no reciprocity to the detriment of every part of ourselves!
I am the nurturer, the referee the go between. That has always been my role. I take care of peop!e. I am good at it.
I've no doubt you are, Barbara, but save some of that for you, too, okay? 💕
It's very painfully eye opening when you stop being the fixer. Every one is gone, and everything that is wrong with their lives becomes your fault. I keep repeating to myself, "I didn't break it, I can't fix it."
Exactly!