This week's letter comes from beautiful Maggie, who's confused about her relationship with a guy who's spending too much time paying attention to other women on social media, and not much on her.
Here's what she wrote:
I met a guy on Tinder in Lockdown.
We started talking on the phone for a month and getting to know each other. We couldn't go on a date coz everything was closed so I went to his apartment the first time we met and spent the weekend there.
It seemed like I knew him for months.
He asked me to be his GF and cooked for me. I said yes and we started dating.
We continued love bombing each other and everything went well until.... I found out that he was flirting with girls on his Twitter but he kept saying that it's not flirting to him because it's public so I can see it and they are just tweets.
Then I told him that he never likes my pictures but likes every girls picture on social media. He said he does not want social media to be part of our relationship and does not want my friends to be his on social media.
I had to beg him to comment something cute on my pictures like boyfriends do and time went by. He didn't want us to post each other he said he did it in the past and will never do it again coz it didn't work for him.
He had this habit of always borrowing $5 to $10 from me on a Sunday. The first time I said no but the second time I gave in.
Then he borrowed $60 from me saying that he forgot to pay his WIFI. I said no the first and second time, third time he was saying I’m begging you and I loaned it to him.
Whenever I was at his place or met a friend he would always introduce me as Maggie not "My girlfriend, Maggie." We never went on a date coz he always had financial problems and always made excuses.
I once checked his phone and found that he was calling his ex from 4 years ago.
When I asked him about it he said she asked him questions about his baby momma so I let it go as there wasn't frequent contact and in the messages she was telling him about a sale on books. As the lockdown lifted, he became scarce on weekends and it was difficult to get a hold of him until one Saturday.
I yelled at him for ignoring me and he said he wasn't ignoring me he just woke up and had a hangover wasn't even thinking about me. We argued and he broke up with me on the next Sunday.
He said he can’t pretend anymore (after 5 months of dating.) He said he can't give me all the things I deserve and can't reciprocate the love I have given him.
I saw him posting what's the rush on commitment on Twitter (he is 29 and I'm 25) and he kept saying that he needs to deal with old pain, even though he loves me he is still holding onto old pain.
This was a week after he had taken me to a family barbeque with his cousins and told me that introducing them to me is a big deal for him.
I hate myself for falling in love with such a jerk and now I can't seem to stop thinking that he’s just using me and was probably cheating too. I will never do online dating again.
I would love any advice.
Thank you.
-Maggie
My Response:
I'm going to take all the confusion out of this for you, Maggie.
Don't fall in love with a guy who's still flirting with other girls on social media. Especially don't fall in love with a guy who justifies this because it's "public." Flirting is flirting whether you or anyone else can see it or not.
Don't lend a guy money, no matter how much you like him. Even if he begs. Actually, especially if he begs.
What kind of a guy is this, trying to wear you down and manipulate you?!
Don't fall in love with a guy who's liking other girls pictures at all - even if he's liking yours. What's he doing liking anyone else's pictures when he's with you?
If you have to beg him to post something "cute" on your pictures "like boyfriends do", what kind of a relationship do you have? He either acts like a boyfriend, or he doesn't.
And to be clear, if you're in a new relationship with a guy and he's not excited to introduce you as "my girlfriend, Maggie", not just "Maggie", something isn't right. If you're arguing over whether or not he's ignoring you, something's really, really wrong.
The way he behaves without you having to ask him is valuable information on how he feels about you and what he believes is the way you treat someone you're in a relationship with. Pay attention to it.
Take a step back so you can look at who he is and how he treats you from a detached perspective so you can properly assess whether you even want to be with this guy.
Don't hate yourself for falling in love with someone like this, Maggie. Learn from it.
There were so many red flags right from the start that you now know were real red flags literally begging you to pay attention to them. Next time you're falling for a guy, you can look back on what you've learned and take your time to get to know him well enough to make sure there aren't any red flags BEFORE you jump in and start calling him your boyfriend or falling in love with him.
It's good behavior consistently over time that you're looking for.
If he's going to be all that, you'll know because he'll show you that. You won't have to ask, you won't have to wonder and you definitely won't have to beg!
It's clear, honest communication that sets your mind at ease for a reason; because he wants to make sure you have no reason to doubt him. He'll want to do everything he can to make sure you know you can trust him!
Hope this helps, Maggie.
Don't spend too much time here going back over what you could have or should have done differently. We all do the best we can with what we know until we know better! And that's especially true of relationships where we want to believe we're with someone who's falling in love with us the same way we're falling in love with him!
Love,
Jane
How about you? Do you have any advice to offer Maggie? Tell her in the comments. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you!
I had a very similar encounter. The guy likes, hearts and talks to many girls online. The photos he likes include bikini ones. I found out only after started dating. He uses social media extensively, but never mentions me or the relationship. He also declares what’s the point of rushing to commitment or anything at all. He tried to drag it when I wanted to break up. I just made it clear cut a few days ago. Feel much more respected and self-loved.
I'll bet you do! Biggest red flag of all is a guy never mentioning you or the relationship. Respect and self-love are never underrated!
Hi...IMO I would just do the same, flirt with guys on Twitter...and make sure he sees it...try not to mention it to him...let him think you do NOT care...
Then he will think you are dating other guys...and if he says anything about it...well I was flirting with a guy and he asked me out....and I may just go out with him...
If he gets mad, I see you doing it...so I thought you wanted to date others.....
This will be hard to say, CAUSE he may think you want to date others...put it in such a way that you are NOT scolding him...but making a point...
I have just recently broke up with my boyfriend who used to stare @ other girls in front of me!!! So... disrespectful!!! He told me that he loved me & complimented me, but once we were in public, I couldn't trust him!!! Watch for the "red flags" from the beginning & love yourself enough not to put up with behaviour that makes you feel "not enough" for him!!!
We can't change them, but we can leave them, when we start questioning their behaviour!!!!
Exactly, Estelle. Always a choice!
Hi! Jane- I have a question I’m curious about....you made a comment about “liking” a picture of any other girls and it implies you feel it’s not appropriate. I will often get lots of “likes or hearts” on a picture when I change my profile pic on FB. They come from all kinds of friends (female/male), many happily married (close couple friends of mine), and I take that as telling me they really like the picture, nothing more. (I’m not saying that some are not attracted or flirting, but they don’t comment or reach out to engage me so I don’t think much about those anyway.)
My boyfriend (We’re in our early 50’s) will sometimes like or heart a woman’s profile pic. It usually doesn’t bother me but once in awhile I feel the jealous horns come out. I feel insecure and I don’t want to, especially when, as I mentioned, others respond that way to my pic and I think nothing of it. When I talked with my boyfriend about certain instances he said he replies that way if he thinks it’s a good shot of them, not necessarily if he thinks they’re attractive. It’s like extending an honest, benign compliment. I don’t want to set unreasonable standards, and I think it’s fine to be able to give compliments to others without it being interpreted as inappropriate flirting. So maybe other things need to be considered rather than having an expectation that it’s not ok to like pictures of the opposite sex if you’re in a relationship. Or is this not what you’re saying?
I’d appreciate your thoughts.
Completely inappropriate, Beth. I don't care what his reason is; he's in a relationship with you!
Hey Maggie, my advice would be to not write off online dating because of this one guy. Guys like him exist everywhere, even online. I’ve personally met many great men online, and the last one I met online, I’ve been happily married to for 6 years.
When you’re ready to put yourself back out there, don’t be afraid of the online dating. It’s a great way to see what he’s all about in a glance, before committing to a night of dinner!
In the same boat .. Just that im married to my husband with 2 kids. And a soon to be new born . unfortunately he does not want me to have it . He claims his money isnt enough . Besides that i was onced on his friends list .. Thought i was still until one day i happened to search him on my page . Nothing would show up. Came to find out i was blocked .. And he had so many other female friends . I asked him about it , he claims he was angry .. Went on to second and third to the point he will pay girls just to chat .. When i email or commented there pictures because he posted stuff like ..WOW YOU ARE ONE GORGEOUS BABE... Ill be hurt .. Not ever one time he will say such a thing besides 1 thumbs up . i comment .. Then hell get mad and argues with me that hes just messing around its not like hes cheating . shame on him .
But what hurts the most is that those girls dont even know hom or i . But yet he will send my actual pictures to them with name saying sorry .. Shes just jealous that your hot and she not !!! Im on the verge of walking out with my kids . As i see itll be hard for me and the kiddos but at least itll be less stressed.
So sorry for what you're going through Kathleen. Sounds like you know what you have to do. You and your kids deserve better. I'm guessing this man doesn't want to be a father or husband, or have any responsibility. It will be hard- it always is leaving a relationship with someone you thought was the right person.
I can tell you that when I made that choice it was so liberating, difficult yes, but now I'm able to take a deep breath and even though I think and wonder about him, I know that I'm better off on my own.
Good luck with this decision and your new baby.