Whenever I see a letter with capital letters and exclamation marks, I know this is a woman who desperately needs our help. Not just my help, but our whole community here. And that's exactly what I found in the email that landed in my inbox from Stacey.
Here's what she wrote:
HELP!!!
How am I supposed to deal with the emotions that I'm feeling now that I've finally ended my relationship of 6 years with a narcissist and he's bought the house right next door to mine?
NO contact is almost impossible.
I'm desperate for advice.
- Stacey
Here's what I had to say:
Oh Stacey, hang in there. Help's on its way!
First of all, be so proud of yourself for what you've done here - finally ending a 6-year relationship with someone who's anywhere on the narcissist spectrum is no easy thing.
These men who exhibit the types of behaviors that have us labeling them this way are professionals at keeping us hanging on, hoping for a better day, while we lose all semblance of ourselves in the process.
This is no small feat you've accomplished, and I want to make sure you understand just the level of strength you've had to muster up to get to this point.
We're all proud of you!
Now to the tough part. He's bought his house right next door to yours.
My instincts say he did this on purpose, either just to make this harder on you, or to keep you in his life - or maybe a bit of both. Either way, he's arranged it so he can keep an eye on you, and try to keep you aware that he's going to do everything he can to stay in your life, regardless of what you do.
I'm going to hope that he's not going to harass or bother you, but this is something you're going to have to be on the lookout for from a practical perspective, to make sure you keep him in check so it doesn't escalate into something more. Again, we're going to hope that he's going to be enough of a mature adult here to respect your privacy and not bother you, but experience has long told me it's better to rely on the practical resources available to us as well as our well-intentioned hope.
Hope isn't enough if he starts harassing you, stalking you, spying on you, or anything else subtle or not so subtle.
You need to define strong boundaries around what you're not going to tolerate and then be prepared to get the law involved with a restraining order, etc. if our hopes of what we want him to be turn out to be something he's not capable of.
Boundaries around what kind of next-door neighbor, non-relationship you're going to enforce.
What does that look like?
When you see him and he calls something over and waves, or comes over to see you, what do you need to do for you? Being prepared is everything here.
What do you want to prepare for so that when it happens, you'll know what to do? You need a plan so you can rehearse these situations before they happen, when you're not thrown off and tempted to give away your power because you're so caught off guard you don't know what to do!
Now the emotional part. And it's the most important part of all.
This is where your power comes in. We talked about this in the letter I answered last week here on the blog.
The fact that you found the strength and resolve to actually leave this guy after 6 years tells me you've learned you've got some power here somewhere along the way. But it also tells me that it took you 6 years to realize who this guy really was, and that means you're like most of us who need some help staying strong. That's not easy with this guy right next door.
I don't want you to have to move, but if you were thinking of moving or if you're not tied to your particular place, it's not a contest to win here - if you choose to move, it doesn't mean you've given away your power to him. It simply means you're choosing how best to handle this situation, and you have every right to make up for his ignorance by being intelligent yourself and putting yourself in a better place. Better than having to deal with him every time you look out your window or go out your door.
But back to your power.
Always remember, this guy doesn't have any control over you that you don't give to him. He has no control over you unless you allow him to.
Stand tall in your own power. Hold your head up high.
Put affirmation notes on your bathroom mirror so you're reminded of the reality of who you are and how far you've come and how much you have to offer a different kind of guy who's actually capable of having a reciprocal real relationship with you instead of something that only serves to feed his over-expansive ego.
Men who exhibit narcissistic behaviors live on the power they extort from others, so this is going to take you remembering your power every time you think of him or have to see him.
What do you have that he doesn't? What qualities do you embrace that he never will? What makes you so beautifully, uniquely you that he can never touch, let alone take away from you?
This is going to involve you getting to know yourself a whole lot better, Stacey, so if you haven't noted all those beautiful qualities you have that made this guy want to have you so badly for himself, even though he had no idea how to actually keep you, make sure you've got a running list going so you can remind yourself any time you forget.
You can do this, Stacey!
Either right next door to him or from somewhere else because you choose to not be forced to engage with someone because of physical proximity to him. Yes, his move next door may have been out of your control, but you are very much in control of your response to him and what you choose to do with him.
Remember, it's all about standing in your power and owning every part of who you are so that he can no longer has any control over you, regardless of whether he's across the street or across the ocean. The latter would, of course, make this so much easier on you!
Hang in there. You can do this, too!
Love,
Jane
Can you imagine being in this situation with a guy you've tried so hard to get out of your life - only to find he's moved in next door? Would you stay? Would you move? Tell Stacey what you think she should do in the comments below!
Unless he has any hold on the house your in?
I’d sell. Call his bluff. Get out. Get a P.O Box for your mail. So much is available on the internet now. So you have to do what you can to keep your privacy!!!
Good luck
I agree! You're right. Stacey, get a post office box as your mailing address (licence and most credit bureaus for credit checks (not all) will not allow a trace to your actual home unless you are followed. Get it in another town indefinitely as your safety is worth $200/year, change your about me settings in google, change your name, coats, appearance and vehicle or its colour and no personalized plates, if necessary, park inside when home if you have a garage and sell but ensure that anyone wanting to view your home must be approved by you and you decide if you want to be in the background while prospective buyers go through. It may mean no open houses and/or an exclusive listing (but they take a lot longer). Provide a picture of him to your agent if you do have an open house to prevent him from access/entry and put away any personal pictures and use child-proof locks for open houses, as usual, anyway. Basically, a cold, difficult, dead end trail as much as you can by simple steps and monetary investment in yourself because you are worth it.
This should never happen but it does - everyday and, as you can see from the few comments here, too many times. So, make a to do check list, take back your power and be smart about your health and safety. The sooner you do, the less baggage you will damage your future with. Not all men are bad. Let a new one, if you want one, earn your trust slowly and live wisely sooner than later because that is what life is for. You own you and God loves you. Please remember that
Get a strong roommate????
1. Put house up for sale.
2. Cameras!!
3. Physical barriers inside and out (fencing, shrubbery, sheds, extra locks, black out curtains, etc., but not that would benefit burglary.
4. Big, trained dog. May even be able to do rescue fostering service if you do not wish to keep long-term.
5. Have an irregular routine. Filling it with positive, healthy activities will help especially random ones that are not always on a specific schedule like libraries once pandemic is over. Until then drive around at odd times. Be unpredictable.
6. Prepare for a peace bond (criminal so police can charge) not family (police can only warn regardless of number of times). Put the local police station number in addition to 911 in your phone and drop in to a precinct to speak with officers factually at a high level, gathering information only stage first regarding your concerns, get their cards, photocopy them and keep cards in purse, copies on fridge, copy ID and store in safety deposit or other safe place and never leave your purse near the entry door!
7. Lawyers - Learn reputation of good criminal and family ones in your area, call and ask if in the event of an occurrence are they the right ones to contact or do they know of one and then ask if they are taking clients and is the first consultation meeting free.
8. YouTube Dr. Carmen Bryant, Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional.
9. YouTube Dr. Helen Saddler, Destiny Helper (mentor to Dr. Carmen Bryant).
10. Watch your back, assume nothing, expect the unexpected, let people know where you are, have a buddy system that different people call you at certain times to check on you and assign specific ring tones or songs to those people, never answer "unknown caller", set up light timers so your lights go on in different rooms at different times and switch them up every so often including sleeping in another room some nights so you can sleep otherwise a tired you will not be able to function on any level properly, educate yourself without becoming totally paranoid (it will be difficult but you need to stay as grounded as you are aware in order to trust your instincts) and, above all, pray as there is power in prayer never fear. They're damaged children who will take any type of attention so wear a mask of indifference and only feed yourself a healthy meal.
You've got this, Stacey!
Please let Jane know when you've opened the door to a new home and a new lease on life so we know you are safe and can celebrate with you.
I will be praying for you.
God bless.
Poor girl ! She should Air n B her house or move ! What a creep !!! Ughhh !!!
He did it to torture her or in hopes to win her back.
Once Married to one too for a long 28 years !!! They never change ! They don’t even realize what they are !
I am very familiar with narcissists & would bet money he did this on purpose! Even though you have to be the one to put boundaries in place, I would still feel very uneasy with him living next door. I wouldn’t be able to live peacefully knowing he’s next door. I would rather move somewhere new and live peacefully rather than having to worry about running into him every day.
I agree. I am in a very similar situation, except it is him and his gf that he cheated on me with. Moving is an expensive, unaffordable choice that he is aware of. I protected my home with cameras. I ignore them when they drive by and take peace in knowing he is not as happy as he appears, I know him. Retaliation is so tempting but stay true to the wonderful person you are and you will be proud of who you are and become. Hang in there, it is truly difficult.
Maybe it’s time to get married to a policeman! Hahaha! You will feel much safer.
I second that!
I so so agree with Jane! I think it okay to act in a way you may likely feel is rude. Just ignore him. After all, he is the rude one. He actively and purposely put you in this position. And also, I think it fine to move! A pain and yes one feels like shouldn’t have to do so, but what is a house and the hassle of selling , compared to moving forward, a life of peace, and being able to meet someone wonderful!!