I took my own advice.
I poured my heartbreak into something that needed me; someone that needed me. A dog who was labeled with severe separation anxiety; rescued from a shelter that couldn’t keep her.
And then I noticed something so similar to what I notice with you.
You’re not your label. You’re not what you’re telling yourself you are. You’re not your story.
You’re not the self-fulfilling prophecy you’ve made your life because you were with all the wrong people and all the wrong environments that only reinforced this inherent belief system in you.
In psychology, we call this confirmation bias.
We’re given a label. We’re told a story about ourselves. And then once it’s been positively reinforced often enough, we go looking for evidence to confirm that same label, that same story, that same narrative that’s become our truth.
With every new relationship, we confirm we’re too much, too emotional, too needy, etc.
The problem is, we’re not including all the relevant information we need to actually make such a judgement on ourselves.
Because we’re only like this when we’re the wrong people, the wrong environments for our personalities - for our make-up - for people like us.
When we stop confirming, and start becoming curious instead, something changes. There’s a shift. Not all at once, but slowly, gradually, as we find different people who actually see us instead of stopping at our stories or our labels.
A dog trainer observing our new adoptee commented on how she didn’t seem anxious at all, but instead, how she seemed smart and keen and sensitive. But put her in an environment where she’s been moved around every couple of months from a shelter to various foster homes with all kinds of different people, different noises, different expectations, and lastly to a small studio apartment studio home where she had to be quiet to not disturb the neighbors, and yes, she'll seem anxious.
Who wouldn't?!
She doesn’t have to be quiet or hold in her cries or her barks any longer - because now she’s in an environment where we can address the underlying causes of her anxiety (and especially her separation anxiety) by meeting her needs first.
I look into her eyes and she brings tears to my own because I realize she’s an analogy for so many of us who got off to a rough start in a place where we couldn’t be seen or heard, or met where we were, because we were with people whose own needs weren’t being met.
Just this week, I was on a call with a woman telling me about the man she’s currently in a relationship with, trying to deal with some of their issues, and especially his lack of ability to accept her emotions because he’s never been allowed to accept his own.
She goes on to tell me how his mother has never cried in her life and prides herself on never crying and believes that to be the definition of a strong woman.
I felt like crying for her!
How must she have been raised to become so stoic and unfeeling as this to not even question it when she herself became a mother, but to simply pass on this same misguided definition of strength to her own sons, who also then inevitably learned to feel this same shame - just for being a normal person feeling normal feelings?
The fact that he’s chosen her shows he wants something different - he’s drawn to someone who can actually feel and lets him feel, even if he can’t put words to it.
They’ve been together for years, surviving the ups and downs of being a feeler with someone so programmed with a belief system that he can’t feel without also feeling the shame that comes from feeling, by her remembering this is something bigger than her as she tries to detach enough when he shifts to being too hard on her.
And in much this same way, Beautiful, I want you to stop telling yourself this is on you.
We choose who we do because it’s all we know. We keep choosing who we do because we’ve never been seen, much less loved, by someone actually capable of giving us what we need.
I don’t know who you are, or where you’ve been, or what you’ve been through, or what went so wrong along the way. I don’t know your specific story or the narrative behind the label you’ve been given and why you feel the need to keep it.
But I do know if you’re here right now, in this moment, you’re here for a reason.
We can’t find the people or the environments we need if we’re dug into a defensive place of proving ourselves and our stories right. I went for years of explaining I was a minister’s daughter who was raised with a perfect image being everything as a means to explain who I was. It was how I defended whatever anyone might judge me for or find wrong with me.
I had a reason. A story. A defense for who I was.
What I didn’t realize until I was around people who loved me, was that I didn’t need one.
That’s what I want for you, Beautiful.
Drop the story. Drop the label.
Sure, it might help me understand you, but I see through it to something so much deeper, so much more valuable, and more precious than any mere label or repeated story someone else gave you.
Don’t settle for not being seen or heard, or having to defend what you’ve been told you are that you knew in your heart of hearts was never who you were.
Find your own truth.
When you’re seen, watch out world. Just like this beautiful little being that won my heart, you win mine every time. Don’t settle for just being tolerated when you can be celebrated, adored and loved!
Love,
Jane
I'd love to hear from you. Send me an email or tell me how I can help you in the comments below.
I am a 60 year old divorced woman. I’m told over and over I don’t look my age and that I am beautiful. People think I’m in my late 40’s. I’m upbeat, try to stay positive, try to be confident, am secure in myself and I’m on Match.com. I can’t seem to meet the right man. I feel positive about myself but I keep getting the type i’m interested in. Then I talk with some and they promise to call on the weekend to go out on a date and I don’t here from them. I don’t come on as needy but confident but I don’t overdo it. I am dating someone but I feel like I am settling. This guy treats me like a queen is so good to me, but I feel something is lacking. How can I get the one I’m interested in to be interested in me? I’ve only been dating 3 months and I’m over it. Like I said the guy I’m seeing is great to me but I am looking for more. I have read so many dating sights on what and not to do. Where am I going wrong?
Hey ladies! Have a fabulous day!
Thanks, Michelle. You, too!
Thank you, Jane for this reminder. It came at the right time for me. I've been working on changing my story, or better yet, detaching from it. It's so amazing to me to read what you have to say. The analogy with the precious dog touched on something I had thought of, but never had read or said out loud. Didn't really have the words. From where I am today, and I believe I've made slow progress but some, it still seems difficult for me to see exactly what you are saying. On an intellectual level, it's clear, I see it, but I'm still hoping for that emotional piece that can testify to that. I'm still hoping for the external world to show me that. I'm still hoping and keeping an eye on my tribe so to speak. And of course, on that loving partner that can show me what your words are saying here today.
I hear you, Angel. Thanks for sharing your heart. I know it isn't easy balancing the hope with a reality that doesn't seem to change and I'm here for that supporting you, every step of the way.
Having trouble getting over toxic relationship with a narcissist, he has my 15 year old daughter manipulated with thinking I’m crazy and he has her spinning out of control. He is giving her alcohol and drugs and she is failing school because he doesn’t make her go. All she is into is partying at the house with all her friends and I have no control over the situation as he threw me out with no money and nowhere to go. I’ve been couch surfing at my only two friends houses and very lost as to what to do. Have fallen into deep depression and feeling like this is the end.
Oh Lisa, my heart's breaking for you and your daughter and your whole situation. Find what you do have some control over. Find someone to ground you. Allow those two friends to support you and hold you through this. It's not the end but it always feels like it is until it isn't anymore. Holding you in my thoughts. There's love for you here, beautiful soul.
Hi Jane,
I've listened to your videos and I love your emails...your advice seems very sound and compassionate. It never quite fits though. I'm not pining after an unavailable man....I've not kissed anyone in seven years. My 20 year marriage was abusive and I've spent this time re wiring myself for integrity and self respect and self care. I feel really good about ME, and the life I'm building for myself and my kids. I don't like to think it's all over for me love wise. But there is a big part of my underlying narrative that tells me most men are....not worth bothering with. I don't know how to get past that... confirmation bias being what it is. I've been trying to notice good men...they just seem so few and far between. My experience has been pretty negative all around. My initial wiring was for narcissistic controlling bastards. Now most men just seem pathetic to me..
Needy and selfish and parasitic. My age doesn't help... I'm 53 and there has been an enormous shift in expectations over the last decade especially...but I'd like someone my own age. The only men that approach me all seem to be 30.
Which is a different stage of life and not interesting to me romantically. How do I change this story?
I'm hearing you, Stephanie. Our stories and our programming are powerful things. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have it all change overnight. The truth is, it takes time, it takes some inspiration and a shift in what we're experiencing before it changes what we're so used to seeing. Can you expand your social circles to include different people - including different men - you're not used to being around? Can you find some new interests or hobbies or causes to get yourself involved in that would also include some different hearted men? Is there anyone you're listening to that might be feeding you messages that only reinforce those old beliefs? Is it time for a change of scenery, a change of people, a change of things that don't support a new you, a new perspective in general, in you? It's hard to say for sure without knowing you and hearing those stories firsthand, but I've a feeling you're a beautiful soul waiting to be seen, waiting to be felt, waiting to be heard. Maybe it's in the waiting that something could change to do the living instead. Maybe it's in giving yourself permission to live something that was always off limits to you. I do know love leaves no one behind, Stephanie, and it's not about to start with you. ❤