We talk a lot on here about the man who comes on strong. The knight in shining armor type of guy who comes in and sweeps us off our feet before we even realize what’s happening.
We may not even notice him at first, because it’s not only about his looks or his physical attributes.
No, this one takes us completely by surprise because, overwhelmingly, most of the time we don’t even see it coming.
We’re a little aloof at first, cautious even. After all, we’ve been warned about this type of guy. The type who jumps in too fast, who wants to take everything to the next level faster than the relationship calls for, the one who simply can’t seem to get enough of you.
Until, of course, he can. Suddenly it all stops and everything changes.
Often it's subtle. But there’s a shift, and you can feel it.
And it’s almost always right at the 3 or 4 month milestone.
So why does it change?
That’s what you’re left with. The "why?"
And also the "why now?"
How is it so predictable? And how can it happen after everything has been so amazing, so wonderful?
He feels it, you feel it, everyone around you feels it. It's electric!
But the reality is it's all too easy for those first few months to be all about that chemistry. Whether or not this relationship is going to stand the test of time can only be known after you’ve first made it through this first milestone.
And it IS a milestone, because up until this point, you can’t really bank on what he says or does.
You can hear it. It can sound so nice. You can recognize the potential for you to become all caught up it just like he seems to be - and the way he seems to be excited for you to do as well.
But until you’ve made it past here - or more accurately, until he’s shown you he’s capable of making it past this point - you’ve got to remind yourself no matter what the chemistry is, you’re not out of the woods until you’re past there.
Here’s why.
You know how he can’t seem to get enough of you? You know how he keeps pushing you for more? You know how you’re not sure but he always seems to be able to convince you? Those are all the signs.
It’s because he’s put you up so high on that pedestal.
He didn’t mean to fall like this. But then, he’s already told you that already, hasn’t he? He makes it sound like he’s never met anyone quite like you and from the way he carries on, and, if you're like most of us, you’re pretty sure he means it.
And why it happens consistently across the board, across the country, across the globe, is because that 3 – 4 month mark is only as long as someone like him can keep on doing this.
It's as long as he can keep living up to the standard he’s set a precedent for - all by himself - by getting so caught up in the way you make him feel, your beautiful loving, caring, giving heart, your potential to love him unconditionally like he’s never been able to achieve being loved by anyone else before.
He’s seen all of this in you.
It’s why it’s so hard to understand how it can change and how he can go from seeing you like this to unseeing everything by the way he ends up treating you.
Why? HOW?
Because he can’t sustain his part of the unspoken agreement.
See, here’s how it’s going to go for him. He lights up so fast - so soon! - because this is his chance at a kind of love he's never had that he's caught a glimpse of with you. You’re going to love him unconditionally because he sees that part so clearly in you. That’s why everything’s come on so strong. That’s why it’s moved so fast!
HE sees you. Until he can’t afford to. Until he can’t pretend anymore and it all falls apart.
Because he can’t do it. He can’t live up to it. And he can’t pretend forever that he can when he knows undeneath he can’t.
He can’t shake the feeling that he led you on, that he brought you to this point, that it’s all him (not you!) and he can’t live with himself for that.
So here you are. Heartbroken as the reality starts to sink in. What do you do now?
You stop. You take a deep breath. You recognize what’s going on. You see him, you see you. You see him for what just happened, for how he allowed it to happen, for how you too got caught up in it happening and how it happened for you.
You pick yourself up, you dust yourself off. You see him for who he is. Another imperfect human. Someone who couldn’t live up to his own hype. The hype he created for himself.
He put you on that pedestal. He saw all that you could do for him. He couldn’t do anything about it, but it happened for him, too.
It’s not you, Beautiful. Not you.
You can’t be anyone’s perfect. You can’t be anyone's fantasy. You’re far too real for that. You’re a real human being, not someone’s dream.
The sooner you recognize what this is about, the faster you can move through. And moving through and past someone like this is the first step to moving towards someone who’s never going to stop seeing you for you!
Been here? Going through it now? You're never alone, Beautiful. Share your story with us in the comments below.
I wanted to say thank you for this article. I've been questioning everything for almost a month. It has been very painful. Normally I do well with pacing myself in a relationship. But this time I opened up my heart and I unfortunately got hurt in the process. It was a lot but this article helped me to say there really wasn't much I could have done differently. He just couldn't keep up what he was showing me. In many ways I probably couldn't have kept up either. So i will heal myself and move forward. I love what someone said here about taking all of the qualities you liked about a person and giving them to yourself. I'm going to do that.
This has also happened to me! Could not understand how he went from being besotted with flowers and poetry, wanting to spend his future with me to I don’t see a future with you. Are you saying they sudd end lu realise their feelings aren’t real and the they panic for leading you up the garden path when they don’t feel the same. Why do they go all out in the first pace of they aren’t that into you.
It’s really helpful to hear it’s not just me. This has been so painful. So blind sided
Currently in this situation. I was dating a guy (33) for 12 weeks and he ended things 4 days ago. There were zero warning signs. We were still spending the whole weekend together and a night in the week. He took me out for a nice meal for my birthday and then cooked on my actual birthday which was 2 days before ending things. Over the last 5/6 weeks he's referred to me as his other half, his missus, his woman, potential girlfriend. He told me he thought the world of me a week before ending things. He made me his Facebook and Instagram story on my birthday meal. It was a pic of me with 'treating the birthday girl' on it. To me that was him telling people 'this is my girl'. He even stretched out the amount of time we spent together 3 days before he ended things. So no hints etc. Then he asked how long we'd been dating, I said 12 weeks nearly. Then he calls to say 'I have feelings for you, but I think they should be stronger at 12 weeks'. He admitted to being attracted to me, having feelings, I had a great personality, great banter together. Told me he genuinely enjoys being around me and none of that had changed but that he would just expect to have stronger feelings by 12 weeks based on how he felt at this stage with his ex. Masdively confused
Did he ever come back?
I’m exactly in the same situation. I’d also like to know what happened in the end? Did he stay?
No, he didn't. He wasn't right for me, as I soon realised.
he knew from the start his feelings weren't strong and was hoping they'd grow.
I've been married for 3 months now. Before marriage he was that caring man I always needed because my life wasn't that nice. Once I knew him my life changed automatically. I thought I'll have a new beginning. He was so thoughtful and understanding. Never hurt me even with a word. After marriage and during the honeymoon I had this alarming feeling in my heart. But thought I'm confused because it's a new life and I still need to get used to it. Then things went on. Until recently he started to criticize me arrogantly claiming that he is joking. I'm over weight but trying to fix this problem. He stopped saying anything nice. And when I say nice I don't mean love words or any romantic expressions though it is my right to hear it. He intentionally hurts my feelings and ignores it. Even when I can't take it anymore and my tears betray and cover my face he just gets angry and ignores me again. If I talk to him and he doesn't want to give me a direct answer he just ignores me as if no one is talking. And when I insist on him answering me he says I'm always nagging. He makes me angry and hates me when I frown because I'm sad. He sends most of his time outside. Even now with the corona issue in our cournty. He should end his work at 5 and return home. He never does. Everyday he goes to see his friend. Saturday And Friday are off. And again he goes out to see his friends. When I ask him why don't you return home after you finish he only says why should I. I'm locked at home for a month now and u need people to talk to. I told him I'm fed up and I so bored and you're always out. He denies and keeps saying where do I go. It always work. And I know he is lying. He lies to me frequently. Even when we argue, the only answer he has is asking to stop or if I don't like he'll go out. And I hate this. I was so patient. I even forgot everything once I see him because he was nice. Now I'm unable to deceive myself anymore. Sometimes I feel that someone else is in his life. He used to do that before marriage even during his first marriage. I feel like I'm losing my mind because I'm always alone and sad. And he doesn't care. Last night he was whatsapping his friends at the kitchen for like 2 hours and when he came to the room I asked him what he you been doing he just said chatting. Why not in the room he said no problem staying, and if I don't like it he will go out to see them. And it was after midnight. I'm bored of even trying to do anything. Sorry for talking too much. But I feel locked
Can you take an emotional break from him even now and focus on filling your own cup, meeting your own needs and see if that shift in focus from him to you gives you the ability to stop being so patient and feeling so locked and simply speak to him like an equal human being? Please don't apologize for talking too much. I have a feeling that's part of the problem; that you've never been properly heard or paid attention enough attention to and there's a wellspring of thoughts and ideas and feelings that need to be addressed by someone who loves you and cares about you enough to actually listen. Do you have someone like that? Don't apologize for your feelings, Ola. There's so much hope for your marriage still but you may have to find - and validate - your beautiful confident equal side first. Sending you so much love and light from here. You're a beautiful soul!
Wow! This was so accurate, it has me nodding my head and saying YES! The issue I have is I attract this type of man. I’m extremely optimistic, energetic, loving .. oh so loving. I’m a helper by nature it’s my career as well (child and youth counsellor) I have tendency to attract emotionally unavailable, broken & avoidant men. Like it’s a beacon above my head .. I’m like “hey I’m your girl, let me try and help you find that emotional, sensitive & beautiful man that you so desperately want to be” I do for a while but I end up giving so much of myself & my love, I end up losing myself quite significantly when I make my whole world about them.
So here’s my story.. my (recent story)
I literally fell head over heels for him.. he was EVERYTHING I thought I wanted. We are both divorced, we lived in each other’s hometowns in the UK & NZ. We met in Canada.. we instantly felt a connection. We took it slow physically too because we didn’t want to rush it. We both admitted we needed to heal but hey let me water you and you water me = let’s heal together. He told me things like “all the pain and misery was worth it because on the other side was you” he wrote me poems, made me cards, ran me baths with candles and even had a hot towel to wrap me up in after. And ladies this guy was HOT 6’3 incredibly ripped, 230lb, blue eyes, musical paramedic firefighter..oh and big in all areas (get my drift) like come on! He is the true definition of a man .. no a god I think I even referred to him as a god. He started to nickname me tinkerbell.. I felt beautiful, appreciated and SO loved. I was HOOKED, he became my first and last thought of the day. Actually he came to be constantly on my mind like in the background if that makes sense. I started to change who I was too (thinking this is the real me) he didn’t drink = I stopped drinking. He didn’t go out = hey do I even like going out? He worked out 6 days a week lol he would even get up at 2am to drink egg whites!! = I drank some egg whites. Anyhow it was a beautiful fairytale for 3 months I was drinking the potion and put him so high up on the pedestal.
Then.. things started to change. I know the exact date, we all went away with my friends for my birthday. It was a big snowboarding day then food, hot tub after. He got me my favourite drink (prosecco) and made everyone food and surprised me with my favourite dessert. He care upstairs to tell me & my gfs that dinner was ready. I didn’t hear him due to having the hairdryer in my ear. So he assumed I was ignoring him and became extremely angry. By the time I came downstairs he was already angry and was extremely passive aggressive to me for a good hour or two. Then he disappeared for say 30mins in the bathroom. Naturally this behaviour really upset me because by the time he realised that I didn’t actually hear him, the damage had been done. He definitely came off the pedestal for me. Things did not really go back to normal after that .. for my birthday he took me for a 10 day (surfing trip) with him and his two friends. It was a disaster .. we went to Panama and to be honest I did not recognize the person he had become (which I know now was truly him) he was up at 645am working out, surfing every day. I’m quite fit and love working out but it definitely was not my definition of a holiday. I observed his behaviour under the microscope and told him a few times that I felt like we weren’t connected anymore. He was quite dismissive towards my feelings. I was so confused no lie ladies this guy cried to me for a solid 4 weeks at the start declaring his love and how amazing I was. So you could imagine how confused I was with this change in behaviour. I kept being really hard on myself because I am all about self development but I now know that it wasn’t all my fault.
To make myself heal I’ve written lists of everything he brought into the relationship, how he made me feel & what aspects I loved. I’ve also written down what will be my perfect man. You know what I’m doing? I’m seeking all of these out on my own and achieving them myself. He made me feel safe, secure = I’ll make myself feel safe and secure. He made me feel loved, beautiful and special = HEY I’ll make myself feel loved, beautiful and special all on my own. I know once I start to get these I might not even seek out this type of man anyhow because it won’t align with what I truly want.
Anyhow, that’s my story. And no I don’t regret anything. I think there’s been a big lesson here for me so that’s the beauty in it all.
Thank you for reading. Just remember how beautiful, special, strong and incredible you all are. Xx
Here's to you and all the helpers both personally and professionally on here, Sophie. There's so many of you here and for good reason. Of course these men fall in love with you like they do! You're everything they're not, you're everything they're looking for and you're everything they absolutely can't handle in the end! It's never what you did, it's who he always was and what he couldn't sustain any longer. You raise them up to a level they've never been to, until they discover their true selves can't keep them there. They hook us in with our ability to believe so deeply that they are who they're showing us in that beautiful beginning that they are. But they can't sustain it because it's not real. You sound just like me in the year before I finally met the real guy who could actually sustain the beginning because it wasn't based on a fairytale. Go out there and do everything you're saying here - that's how we do this. Thanks so much for sharing!
I really hope you do a deep dive into understanding attachment theory and Dismissive avoidant men. This was my EXACT experience. That research changed my life.
Hi Jane,
Last week my heart was broken the same way. This guy I had been dating for 4 months - we have had the exclusivity chat - turned around and told me he more saw me as a friend and not a long term partner. I am still very hurt and am wondering how I can go through this whole dating thing over and over again. I had so much hope in him.
But the warning signs started when he wouldn’t introduce me to his sister when she was visiting town. Then I went on holiday and after I returned he couldn’t see me until a 3-4 days later, because his friends were visiting town. I felt like I was constantly de-prioritized and only good to see when the schedule permitted. I guess now in hindsight that was my cue for “he’s not that into me”.
But it baffles me. Nobody seems to ever be that into me. They are on in the beginning and very quickly affections run dry. I don’t have much more emotional energy to give and waste like this.
I really appreciate your taking the time to post your point of view and incredibly sensible way of interpreting things I knew what was going on yet you put everything into words for me to better understand myself & the man I've been playing tug of eat with for over 2 years. Now I can finally make a decision and not feel like I'm never going to be truly happy until he-"finally reverts back to the way he use to be when we first started this very special yet incredibly painful rollercoaster ride for me and well I suppose to him he's probably been more aggravated by the constant struggle as I have as well that ... I'm sad yet do relieved it's finally got some kind of explanation for me to move on. (Of Course... One Day At A Time)
Hi Jane, great post. You seem to have a very strong and open mind. I am almost two years into my relationship. A year in, my boyfriend started his own business and after a couple months, began to change with me. I understand the pressure he is under, and that spending the time he did with me before is difficult. what I don’t understand is how he no longer has time to say nice things to me, make me feel loved. When we used to talk about the future, he would include me in it. Now it’s like he barely wants to discuss it. I feel like I am pressuring him a lot but what I really want is his love and attention back. The last 6 months of our relationship have really gone down hill... I never know if he’s going to be in a good mood or not. I can see that he has some major stress factors like his business and kids... but I can genuinely feel that he doesn’t love me the same.. recently I told him I would give him some space to focus on what he needs to and that the relationship is safe and will be here when he is ready to give it attention again. please give me your thoughts.
Maryann's words, "That ultimately the person he showed me at first is who he WANTED to be- not who he really is," and Jane's, "You can’t be anyone’s perfect. You can’t be anyone's fantasy. You’re far too real for that. You’re a real human being, not someone’s dream," These words sum up the men I attract... only instead of them leaving me (as in breaking it off), I leave them. I get to that place where my intuition is so strong and my value of self is so lost that I cannot possibly go on. My struggle is that after I say goodbye, they aren't capable of dealing with a relationship ending in an adult manner and become almost childlike with mean words and then praise and then hurtful words and then shame and then sadness/depression.... and I feel terrible about it! I go through long stretches of guilt and shame and cycles of no contact (which feels so against my genuine self) to allow for healing only to start over again.... so hard! I feel like it takes me so long to get past a relationship because I feel so bad for these men that I loose time healing, growing and ultimately finding my one true love.
Thank you for the words shared
Because they are children, Robin. That's the most important thing you can remember here. They lack the ability or the emotional maturity to see that a relationsihp based on an idea or a fantasy will never last unless they're willing and capable of growing and changing themselves from the little boy who needs what he needs, to a grown man who can even recognize those needs.
My experience lasted 3 weeks. 3 weeks of intense attention and admiration from this man. We're in our 50s so aren't we supposed to be wise and mature? The texts the emails the laughter. He idolised me and I for once felt important in what was a potential relationship. He told his children about me and work colleagues.
Then the urgency of returning my msgs stretched out to many hours. Responses were cursory and the words of admiration stopped. On reflection I was sensing something.
Then the uncomfortable email arrived whilst I was with my daughter. "I'm sorry, I need to step back from this. I ran at it hard and I now realise it takes a lot more than laughing and smiling to make a relationship. I've been immature about this. Sorry if I've hurt you. All the best to you. "
Finished - he's communicating with someone else now. It's left me feeling deflated and rejected for reasons I don't understand. And why did I believe a man would be that crazy about me so early on?
Antonia
Because that's what we've been told to believe, Antonia. It's all there in our programming, in their programming, in all our programming! When you recognize that, when you can see him for who he really is and not who he's trying to be, you'll see just how much this isn't about you - how it's solely about him but he can't admit that - and then those reasons you don't understand will become so much more clear to you. Any man you actually want to be with will know he can't possibly know you well enough in 3 weeks to evoke this kind of response from him - the rest is all the way it feels to him! And remember, men have been brought up and programmed not to feel anything, so this is where his shame part comes in. He feels something, doesn't understand it, doesn't know what to do with it, and knows he isn't supposed to be feeling in the first place. Especially a man of his generation!
Wow. This sounds like my story Jane. Exactly. And now I find myself in the same relationship that he abandoned after 4 months of “ perfect” just being “ friends”. Who am I kidding? Deep down I know that I’m hoping he will change, see what he lost and come back. I know it’s not going to happen but it is so hard to simply break off. Because I have never felt the way I do with anyone before him. He was perfect in every way. He challenged me to be a better person, he was there for me even before I asked him to be, he was fun & romantic, plied me with expensive gifts. Until he vanished 4 months later and left me heart broken. But he hung around, and the phone calls started again and here I am 2 years later being “friends”. He tells me he would be with me but he is so busy, and I see that he is. But he finds time for 3 hours at the gym 4 days a week. ‘ We talk every day, sometimes for hours but we rarely meet as he is “ so crazyily busy. “
I am trying to cut this off but it seems impossible because I can’t bear to never talk to him again. I am ok with being friends. I will start dating soon.
He is a good friend he gives me good advice.
So Jane, what do you think? Do I need to cut off cold turkey with him in order to move on? Hope you will say no. ?
My gratitude this morning is you Jane. Thank you.
You do what you can live with, Sadhna. You don't answer to anyone else but you. Ask yourself if you have enough information from him to make a decision. If you do, your answer will be clear. If you don't, you may need to get some more information. You have to weigh your choices. How much more deeply enmeshed in him are you going to become by going back for more information? Is he worth that? And what are you worth? What is knowing that he can make time for 3 hours at the gym 4 days a week but can't make time for you because he's so "crazily busy", doing to you, to your self-esteem, to your own ability to see and keep seeing yourself for everything you are and all that you have to offer? Shift the focus back to you if you don't have any clarity yet. What if you're the prize? What if you have so much to offer someone who will make you a priority no matter how busy he is because he's capable of seeing you in the first place? If he's a good friend who gives you good advice, make sure you're not pretending you can be friends when you're only allowing your heart to be broken in the process. I know it seems like it would be so easier to just have someone tell you what to do (it always seems that way!), but that won't work because in the end, we only have ourselves to contend with!
Even if you make it past that point, I've always told my 2 son's to date or live with someone for at least 3 -5 yrs because no one can be on their good behavior for that long, so you'll both know who you're getting. They listened & both have very good marriages.
As for me, I've been through this with men but I'm older & time is fleeting. They want to please you so much that they are fueled by their emotions. Until they burn themselves out & just can't do it anymore because it's not real- it's not the real them. I think they become so disappointed in themselves for letting you down that the easiest way for them to handle it is to retreat. They don't have to face you & feel or see your disappointment. We women need to slow things down when that happens before it's even made it to relationship status because it's not real. It's flattering for sure but we need to listen to our head & not our heart.
Maryann,
I really appreciated the 2nd paragraph of your comment. These are the kinds of answers I'm searching for. That ultimately the person he showed me at first is who he WANTED to be- not who he really is. The sad thing is, I would have accepted his true, flawed self- I still do. I never wanted perfect because I, myself am not. I hate when a man feels he is ultimately not good enough for me-but again, that is his self esteem issue, not my issue.
It's so frustrating when I am unable to get them to see past that and just focus on the good aspects of a partnership.
Exactly, Maryann. Their emotions that they can't/won't/are in capable of acknowledging in the first place. If they were, now you could have an actual real life conversation about what the real story is! And great advice you're giving your sons. The more you want to know, the longer you need to take the time to really get to know someone.
You're almost there, you've almost explained it but I still feel like there is an element to the story that's missing. . . why is he incapable? Because he WAS capable. he WAS living it and doing it- how does that stop, what causes it to STOP?? I hate that I can't wrap my mind around it.
Pressure, Eryn. He can't sustain what he WAS capable of in the beginning because he can only perform for that feeling for so long. He feels it even as he doesn't know what it is, even as he can't describe what he's feeling. He hasn't been programmed to allow him to accept responsibility for himself, to actually get to the root of what's going on for him that would actually allow him to do something about it and find what he's looking for. If you really want to understand him, you've got to look at relationships and love and women through his lens, through the way he sees the world from his perspective. When we understand the fragile male ego and all the cultural factors that made it that fragile in the first place, you empower yourself so that you can become the one who's doing the choosing, who's deciding if a relationship works for your or not, who can initiate the type of authentic conversation that reveals who you're with and what he's got. You can't wrap your mind around it because you know there's so much more to the story than what you're seeing on the surface. And that, right there, is the first step to changing your own!
Thank you.
I keep asking myself the same question... why to they change? Specially when they realize we’ve fallen for them? Shouldn’t it grow, isn’t that the natural way? My mind keeps speening on why he has changed if I haven’t... what could I have done wrong?
And that's the problem, Patricia. You're the only one asking the question "what could I have done wrong?" Yes, it's the natural way, with someone capable of maintaining a relationship and not just a fantasy. That's how you know who've you've got, because you know full well the difference between he's just not that into you, and something else that has nothing to do with anything you could have done differently. We always know!