Regret. It’s something we’ve all experienced. It’s something our beautiful reader, Yvonne is going through right now as she struggles to find a way to move on from a heartbreak unlike any she’s ever experienced before. All she wants is to be free.
Here's her story:
After three tumultuous months of dating someone (the first month of which was amazing, because now I see he was luring me in like a predator) I gave him my virginity.
I was 23 and had intentionally waited for someone who I clicked with and who I felt respected and cherished me. I loved him, so I decided it was a good time. He said if I wasn't ready, we didn't have to, and a big part of me wishes I had taken that "out" he gave me (and also listened to myself; NO I was actually NOT ready.)
Having sex with him scared me.
I didn't know how to handle the new emotions that came with it, so I told him I didn't want to anymore, for awhile, because I just didn't think I was ready....
He did not handle it well.
Looking back, I think he was hurt, emotionally. Maybe he felt rejected. Five days after we had sex, on the night of my college graduation, he went to a party without me, and cheated on me. I learned of this two weeks later from my room mate.
When I learned of this, I had already come back to my hometown, so he and I were long distance.
When I called him and confronted him, he denied it. We talked four times that weekend, he denied it every time, and there was genuine fear in his voice when I insinuated needing a break so I could figure out my thoughts.
I decided to believe him in that he did not cheat on me, but then it still felt wrong so I asked some other acquaintances who confirmed that it was, in fact, true.
I was hysterical.
I was tired of talking to him, when all he was doing was lying to me. (Oh, and other truths came out at this time, such as he had a DUI that he never told me about, and that his "number" was 118 which is so upsettingly disgusting that I still can't even digest it...)
All I wanted was it to be over, so I did something I never imagined I would do, and I broke up with my boyfriend via text.
The text message was brief and said something like, "We are over forever. You are a liar and I have never been so disappointed in someone in my life. Because above all, we were friends." And guess what?
He never, ever responded. And I have not heard from him, heard about him, seen him, or seen pictures of him, in 8 months.
I do want to admit that the consequences of my break up ultimately left me in a good place. I am now pursuing a Masters degree and living with my family, which has been nice. Many other gifts have come as a result of that break up.
So, I am happy it happened (all of it, even the painful bits, even losing my virginity to him) because it brought me to where I am today... and yet, I can't let go of him so I can be free, and I don't know how to forgive someone who probably doesn't care if he's forgiven...
While I can admit the good parts, I still cry about him.
I know boys have hurt me before and I thought at the time, 'oh I don't know how I'll get over this one!' and yet I always have been able to move on; some have even taken years to "get over."
But this one is different... he was my FRIEND.
He really was, and I know with certainty I was his friend too. But he betrayed me in every way he could. I felt tricked.
No one wants to feel like they meant NOTHING to another person. Was I just another girl to conquer for him? I can't accept that. I can't.
But he has not said he's sorry and I just do not know what to do to move forward. Under no circumstances will I reach out to him. I am absolutely not ready for that. If or when I ever do, it will be at a point when I know I will not be hurt if he gives me an unfavorable response.
On one hand, I never want to encounter or speak to him again, on the other, I want closure.
Jane, how can I LET HIM GO FOREVER FROM MY HEART without getting the closure I crave or the satisfaction of him apologizing?
It's so easy for people to say "you deserve better."
Of course I do! I KNOW this!
But it's because it was HIM. HE was special to me. It's not about finding someone new, which I know will happen one day, and it's not about realizing he's possibly sociopathic.
What I'm struggling with is just getting over my ego I suppose - that THIS horrendous situation happened to ME. HE did this to ME. He broke my heart, and I never thought I'd be saying that about someone.
And I can't "chalk it up to experience" and call it a win on my part, no matter how badly I want to.
Bittersweet,
Yvonne
My Response:
Dear Yvonne,
I’m so glad you reached out. You’re onto something here. Forgiveness. Yes, this is the key to letting go, to moving on, to finally becoming free. But it’s not about forgiving him. It’s about forgiving someone else.
You.
The closure you crave and the apology you’re not getting from him leave you holding the key to your own happiness and freedom, even though it doesn’t feel that way. Of course you want him to apologize. Of course you want him to answer all your why's. But what you really want is to go back in time, to do things differently, to make different choices, to get the you back that was before him. That’s what this is really about.
And yet because all the well-meaning supporters in our lives always tell us to be glad we dodged a bullet, to be grateful for the lesson, to know that we deserved so much more than what he was, we’re left with nowhere to go with how we really feel and what we really need to move on and get over this.
We need to sit with ourselves. We need to let those tears fall. We need to feel every bit of our hurt and pain and loss. We need to let it all out, feel everything in our broken hearts, let every emotion come up without rationalizing them away. Some things can’t be healed with our heads. Some hurts can’t be mended with logic. Some things run so deep and are felt so deeply within our hearts and souls that we need to let our answers come from those same places deep within our very beings instead of somewhere outside of ourselves.
We need to write it out, dance it out, draw it out, play it out, sing it out, until we’ve cleared out every last thing to do with him and we’re finally ready to focus on the one place we haven’t looked for our liberation.
Within.
It starts with you, Yvonne. You gave your virginity to this man. There’s no easy way to trivialize that. There’s no way to neatly package that into a gratefulness saying. He cheated on you. How can that not hurt? How can we not take that so personally?
What you’re dealing with is real. Real feelings. Real emotions. Real life. They can’t be compartmentalized into a nice neat package that says everything’s ok, I learned so that’s all that matters, it was worth it for me to see, or I now know what I deserve and what I don’t.
Yes, you’ll come to some version of that on your own one far off day from where you are right now.
But right now, there is no happiness cliché that ties this all together for you to lessen the heartbreak or get him out of your head. There is only feeling your way through. Crying your way through. Forgiving yourself all your way through.
You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, Yvonne. We all do. We all feel the pain in your words of the regret that’s bearing so heavily on your beautiful innocent heart and soul. We all feel the depth of your hurt, of your loss of your dignity and self-respect and everything thing else we would feel if we had walked in your shoes. And how many of us have in our own way.
No, he didn’t deserve you. He wasn’t capable of being the man he led you to believe he could be. But this isn’t about him really. It’s about you. You’re the only one who can set yourself free. You’re the only one who can shake off this man and what he’s left you with. You’re the only one who can give you give you back yourself.
But, in the end, you’re the only one who needs to.
And he only has himself to live with.
Be free, Yvonne!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any supportive words or advice for Yvonne? Share them with her in the comments.
Psychopathy, and I mean on clinical terms, explains it all. Like many a self-growth writer on this topic has said: You were targeted because you had a light they wanted to suck you dry of. You had everything to offer. They are nothing and offer nothing. Their inner empty is a pain far worse than yours. The good thing is that you will heal. They never will. Personality disorders are forever.
Jackie, this is Yvonne. I am glad to read what your wrote.... It's very sad but yes, I believe my ex has enormous emotional, mental, and spiritual problems that he will probably never confront or try to solve. It makes sense that he wanted what I have for himself because his internal pain is great.
Yvonne, can you look at how you ex treated you as something he needed. It wasn't fun for you but you gave him your light. Just get it back for yourself so the right one can have it.
Don't look at him as a bad guy. We all go through this. We all have our baggage, as he did, so he is not unusual.
I just don't want you looking at this emotional / mental illness as a way to say he was cruel when he isn't. He was just human. And remember, no one sucks your energy dry except for you. We decide on what energy to give to people. They don't just take it.
Are you talking to him?
Dearest Yvonne, my heart goes out to you, when I was your age I spent 2 years with a man who couldn't make his mind up if he wanted me or not so I ended it, fast forward 8 months he was sending me red roses, but by then I had seen him for what he was, you will hurt but it will heal and you will have some lovely man come into your life and sweep you of your feet, and this man will be a distant but nice memory. Wishing you bright andhappy days ahead.
Thank you for these words for Yvonne, Jane. I can tell you understand.
Sorry to hear you are going through this Yvonne. It's awful to feel like we can't move on and the other person probably doesn't even care... You've been hurt by a person you trusted and that you never thought could do that do you. I know, I've been there.
All I can tell you that I would say to a friend is: Do not wait for his apologies, they most likely won't come.
Don't get stuck there.
It doesn't make him a good or a bad person. It makes him human too.
What helped me the most was to write a letter. Tell him how you feel, how you felt.. you may or may not send it. You choose. Maybe it will help you get some closure.
Wishing you the best!
Wise words, Ana. Thank you for sharing them!
Bless your heart Yvonne, you're still so innocent. You are going to kiss an awful lot of frogs I'm afraid. Try to not take it personally.
You both are very young, and young men are young, dumb, and full of... (you get the idea).
Don't feel silly, just put it down to the School of Hard Knocks: life!
Concentrate on your studies, and with the next beau, keep a hold of that heart of yours for at least the first three or four months: it takes about 90 days for the mask to slip anyway. And remain open and receptive to love entering your life, and it will. Oh to be in my 20s again! You lucky carefree girl!
Thank you for this, Fran. It all helps!
It sounds like he has a lot of personal pain that has nothing to do w you. It has taken me years and a divorce to learn that simple fact. If you experienced deep love and friendship w him then that was real! His ability to handle HIS feelings of closeness & fear are about HIM, not his love for you. You will arrive at a place where you see this and it will be a relief. I have a mantra I said that helped me enormously w this. Every time he or the situation popped into my mind I said. " I forgive ( insert his name) and I am lovable" Hope this helps you Yvonne.
Thank you for sharing, Lily. You are!
Sorry! Only time will help you. Please don't look down on him for trying it out with you. Unfortunately when you open yourself up as you did the emotions are hit. Either in a good way or a bad way. It's honestly up to you to say "ok, we made a mistake.". We all go through it. If you don't go through this you will never get a real love connection.
I think you did good, you are looking within yourself to figure this out. Be strong in understanding and loving him still even though you feel hurt. It is normal. No one is perfect. We can't assign perfection to another. It is not reality. I'm sorry! I'm very hopeful that we can all look at men as good vs bad, who intentionally taking advantage of us. Most of the time they aren't. They might be figuring out the way just like we are.
Xx!
So true, Virgo Ellie! The irony is that our tendency to assign perfection to another comes from our tendency to assign perfection to ourselves. When we can accept our own humanness, we can accept another's. Until then, we subconsciously hold them to the same unrealistic standards we set for ourselves and give all our power away.
Sweet Yvonne, I am in such a similar place. Though the details may be different, the feelings align. My partner of nearly 2 years was not the man he portrayed and betrayed me...the entire duration of our relationship.
It is not safe for me to be in contact with a man who manipulated me for so long, and thus there is no closure to be found.
When I read your story, you are a shining heroine standing up for real love and refusing to get swept up in a cycle of abusive behavior. You were clear and direct with him. You were honest and true. Your actions are the only thing that you have control of-- not him, not his honesty, not his loyalty -- and you acted honorably. You took a stand for your well-being.
Thank you, Jane for the advice on how to allow the deeply held, complicated, and conflicting feelings, as well as the work of forgiving self. I want to let go of my desire to fix this. Even now, after all of my ex's bad behavior, a piece of me wants to "win" him. There is no changing the past. There is no standing up for myself sooner. I confronted his lies when I was emotionally and mentally ready.
Two months after the break up, I still experience shame, regret, sadness, and anger. The frequency and duration of this overwhelming grief has dissipated a bit - I have times of laughter with friends and times of productivity where I am not thinking about him. I don't have control over when I will be "over" him. I am just taking this a day at a time and giving myself regular time alone to allow the feelings to bubble over as I need.
I am proud of you, Yvonne for doing the impossibly hard work of ending the relationship. It took me 4 months of listening to more lies, living in doubt, and emotional hangovers before I could see that it would be better to stand on my own than in an unhealthy relationship.
Beautifully said, Tanya. Thank you for sharing your own story going through this. I'm so glad the process of dealing with these oh so deeply held feelings we can't help but feel, has resonated with you. We rarely realize we can stand on our own until we do.
Omg...I'm going through the same thing! I dated a man for nine months, he knew I loved him and I know he loved me yet he wouldn't make me his girlfriend, only when he was drinking and he was a doctor. I loved him unconditionally and his friends hoped he would wake up , but he kept seeing his ex girlfriend and after nine months I got tired of the lies...Its been eight months and I'm now with a man who I love and been seeing for two months and will be moving in with, yet I can't seem to let go of the other man and truly give my heart to this one. I need closure...I pray every day because my new guy truly loves me!!! Good luck I'll be praying for you as well...
Give yourself that closure, Brenda, by accepting what he'll never be. Look around you, where is he? Only in your own mind, with the dream, the fantasy that we create. There was never anything wrong with you; only something wrong with loving someone unconditionally and expecting to get something back in return. It never works that way. We have to learn to love because we choose to love, without expectations, or choose not to love like that until we have something more than crumbs. It's only our programming, not our own truth, that has us believing this is the way to be loved.
Hopefully karma didn't catch up with him in the worst way. Some people are completely oblivious to how selfish they really are. I'm not exactly sure what it's going to take for you to come to terms with the fact that it was absolutely was him and not you but when that time comes, I'm telling you... It's like a eureka moment that you don't even realize happened. So satisfying! Like "I wasted my thoughts on him...? " Only because when your free you literally feel much lighter. And thereafter, when the thought of him pops in your head, it'll be a brief thought and probably make it chuckle to yourself. Either way understand that what's done is done.
One thing that is helping me push forward is the serenity prayer.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.... "
And Jane... of course!
Life is full of ups and downs... good and bad...yet you're still standing (strong) The best part of it all is that you determine which outweighs which. You got this Yvonne!
Beautifully said, Tiffany. Oh so true. Thank you!
I am twice this woman's age and yet this really resonated with me forgiving yourself when you have allowed someone in who is not up for what he says he is up for when you believed him and let him in knocks us about no matter who we are. Yet if I am honest the signs were there for me in my last relationship. I think we reach a point in our lives where we wake up and realise that a man who is not worthy of us is taking up space which a quality man could occupy instead.
Exactly, Paula. And only when we're ready.