Our beautiful friend Doreen is in a situation where she feels like she is waiting in limbo for her man to make a commitment to her. Her story is below.
Her email:
Hi Jane,
So wonderful to hear from you what an encouragement you are!! I was wondering if you would mind if I shared my story with you!!!
I am 63 years old and my man is 69 years old…….we have been involved for about 2 years now. We met in cyber space in June 2012 and he was mailing me from Spain on a daily basis. He lives 5 months of the year in Spain and the other five in South Africa. He phoned me every night from Spain and the mailing continued by then I had gotten to know him quite well. Anyway the time had arrived for him to return to South Africa in October where we made arrangements to meet. We hit it off the first time we were so connected……and it was like we knew each other forever.
We use to spend time at his house and vice versa and we did everything together and yes we did have our differences but we were very compatible……. there is a very strong bond between us. In February 2013 He had a foot operation due to an old injury and I nursed him twenty four seven for three month’s where I really got to know him intimately……he is not the easiest person to live with as he is a perfectionist, controlling and very impatient. That did not bother me as I love him unconditionally.
He has been very good to me and his a wonderful person with a beautiful heart…….. and has all the qualities that I have always wanted in a man and we have a very strong bond…..however whenever I brought up the question of where do I stand in this relationship he would say I love you very much…….. but I need time and space to decide whether I love you enough to live with you forever. He has always been up front with me but I feel like I am living in limbo. Anyway it was time for him to go to Spain again and he left May 2013. You can imagine how upset I was and still had no idea where I stood with him. He arrived in Spain and never failed to mail me and still phoned me every night from Spain. two months went by corresponding with each other when he finally said I miss you so much and need you by my side and I now realise what you mean to me. I left for Spain on 20th August all expenses paid and it was the happiest day of my life I was ecstatic!!!!!!!
We had a wonderful time in Spain I was spoilt rotten!! We got closer and closer I was radiant and glowing with happiness. I left Spain In the middle of October and he returned on the 1st of November. I left my home to open up his and to wait for his return. When he arrived at his home in South Africa I was so overwhelmed by his warmth and tenderness he mentioned I have never missed anyone so much as I have missed you.
I stayed at his home for four months and can honestly tell you that he was loyal to me. By this time we have now spent two Christmases together and he was still not ready to commit he is very indecisive when it comes to making decisions ……. and I always put it down to maybe it’s because he has lived on his own for the last 9 years and set in his ways and had one two short relationships in between but it never lasted.
Jane call it women’s intuition the day I lay eyes on this man I said to myself he is going to be my soul partner. And deep down I still feel that way. He left for Spain on the 18th May 2014 again……but before he left we spoke about our relationship in depth. And he mentioned that he needs a little more time to make up his mind as this is our last journey so to speak …… and I gave him an ultimatum which was probably the wrong thing to do!! I have given him time until he returns from Spain in October and if he still not sure I am going to walk away from this relationship. I know I will be devastated but I cannot live an emotional roller coaster like this anymore it’s unsettling for me and not to mention what it is doing to me emotionally!!
As I mentioned before Jane I have no doubts about him because I know he loves me and come a long way together. I all most forgot to mention two weeks ago before he left for Spain I happened to walk passed his office and found that his computer was open and saw that he has been mailing a women for the last two weeks there was no romance in his mails to her they were just chatting in general. I was shocked and confronted him and ready to pack my bags!! He was shaking and crying begging me to stay and mentioned that it’s nothing that he was doing this to make sure that I am the one he wants. I told him that it makes no sense and that he was still keeping the back door open. His reply to that was she means nothing to me which I found hard to believe. Needless to say I stayed and I have never got so much attention from him since that altercation. But the hardest part for me is what guarantee do I have that he is not going to meet her as she is on holiday in Spain!! I guess I will never no I’m just going to have to trust him and see what happens.
Jane I love this many deeply!! My question to you is do I wait for him????? I would appreciate it so much if you could comment on my story.
Kind regards
Doreen
My Response:
You have to decide what being with him on his terms is worth to you, Doreen. It sounds like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster with him – and one that he’s more than happy to continue riding with you as long as you’re willing to ride it with him. Such intense highs and lows are so common with men who aren’t comfortable with more of a commitment because they create a space for them to distance themselves emotionally when things get too intense. It’s the reason everything can be so incredibly amazing for a short time, but then it all falls apart soon after, only to repeat the same pattern all over again for as long as you remain a willing participant in this pattern.
The fact that you’re seeing this for yourself is huge, Doreen, because no one deserves to live on an emotional rollercoaster with what it does to you emotionally when you live like this with someone who thrives on this type of lifestyle. It’s no accident that he’s chosen to divide his time between two places; what better way to keep everyone and everything at a safe distance than by actually having to leave each place after a few months for his job! He has the perfect setup.
While I don’t doubt that he has strong feelings for you, the fact that he is still conversing with another woman and defends his actions with an explanation that he needs to know if you’re the one, is an excuse no matter how innocent it seems. You obviously knew what was going on here, too, Doreen, or else you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to seeing this and it’s also why his explanation didn’t satisfy you. You always know.
Regarding this woman you've found him to be corresponding with, you have no guarantee that he’s not going to meet her on holiday in Spain. The most telling thing about all this is that not only do you not trust him, you also don’t believe he can give you what you want without you giving him an ultimatum. And that’s why you have two clear options here, Doreen.
You can choose to go with the part of you that loves the lavish attention, the exciting highs and the incredible feelings you have with him when everything is wonderful. You can change yourself, your expectations, your requirements that he needs to meet and make a life for yourself independent of him outside of the times that he spends with you. You accept who he is and what he can offer you as well as who he isn't and what he can’t. You find your peace with that acceptance and no longer live your life trying to get him to change or commit to you. You accept this reality as what you are choosing and let go of what you want from him that he is clearly unable or unwilling to give you. Instead, you make this silent exchange, and choose to find the parts of him that he can’t give you in your own life and in you. You choose this from a place of power where you recognize what you're getting and what you're not but not because he's in control, but because you're the one who's choosing this.
Or you can choose to let him go. You recognize that your expectations and requirements you have of him – of the relationship - are your own. You decide that the emotional lows you’re living aren't worth the highs. You decide that what this is doing to you emotionally can’t be changed by focusing on you, getting out there and creating the life for yourself that you’re looking to him to give you. You decide you can’t live with the uncertainties of not knowing if you can trust him, or if there might be some other woman in some other port of call. You wait or don’t wait for his answer to your ultimatum, depending on whether you want to make your own terms for this relationship or wait to hear his. You realize you’re the one doing the choosing here, and regardless of the time invested and the initial devestation of the loss of him, you come to term with the fact that you’re not willing to live like this anymore.
It’s not his decision; it’s yours, Doreen.
Only you can take back your own power and make the choice that you can live with. You can’t have it both ways without doing more damage to yourself. You have to decide what you want more, because with this particular man, you can’t have the part you want with him without the other part that you don’t want.
As we all discover sooner or later, you can't change him, but you can change you.
What do you think? Do you have any other advice for our beautiful friend Doreen? Tell us in the comments!
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