Dear Jane,
I started seeing a guy a little over a year ago, we have both been divorced about two years, I was married for 18 years and he was for 17 years, we both have one child, that are about a year apart in age, we live in different cities, about 45 minutes apart.
When we first started dating after about two months, he broke it off because he said (famous words of all men) he wasn't ready for what he thought I wanted, a serious relationship. After about a month ( i knew he would be back) he started calling me again, so we started dating again, we never talked about the "serious relationship" thing.
We have such a wonderful time together, although that time is very limited due to our schedules with our kids, maybe once a week sometimes once every two weeks. I know he enjoys being with me and when we do see one another, we do usually end up spending the night together and no we don't always have sex, but our sex life is awesome!
We never go a day without talking, texting, he text me good morning, every morning. Our children have never met, he has met one of my friends and I have met one of his. He tells me how happy I make him and how wonderful I am, but still no commitment. I tell him sometimes (in a joking matter of course) that he keeps me hidden in the closet. I really do have feelings for him and I do think he does for me.
However sometimes I do feel he could see me more if he wanted too and I have told him before that I feel I put more effort into seeing him then he does me. His response was that he would try. We have gone on a weekend getaway together, which he surprised me with.
I am ready for the commitment, I am ready to meet his child and have him meet mine. My plan is to just ask him to think about where he wants our relationship to go, stay as it is or move forward, if he's not ready to commit after a year, will he ever be?
After he ended it in the beginning I ask him if it was me that he didn't want a relationship with, he said that it had nothing to do with me, he just needed to figure things out! But it's been over a year and we have yet to talk about it, I think it's time, what do you think?
Help please, and just incase, we are both in our early 40's, we both have professional, stressful jobs. I'm not saying I want to get married but I am ready for me then what he is currently giving me.
My Response:
Dear Rita,
He knows what you want from him, even if you don't have that conversation or talk; he knows. He knows from all the subtle things you say, from all the hints you drop, from what you've said before. So whether or not you talk to him officially about all of this, and try to get a timeline from him on when he will be ready, he already knows and what you've got from him right now is what he's comfortable with giving you. I don't think he knows when he'll be ready for what you're looking for from him - and, no, you're not asking for too much! Since it sounds like he's just happy with the way things are and not very motivated to do anything different outside of his current comfort zone.
So what this comes down to is you, Rita, and the fact that you are ready for more than he's currently giving you. The absolute best thing to do when you have a scenario like this is to keep living your own life and filling it with everything else that means something to you so that what he does or doesn't do becomes less of your focus. But I know that's so much easier said than done when you're waiting for him to be on the same page as you and you can't understand why he isn't there already when things are that good between you!
Decide what you can live with. And what you can't live with. If you need to put everything on the table, then have that talk with him. But know that it may push him away; and if it does, know that at least you know where he really stands. You're always better to know the honest truth of whether someone is on the same page as you then to go along assuming he is or is going to get there.
If he's not on your page, that doesn't mean you have to do anything or you can't be together, it just means you're choosing to accept a relationship with someone who isn't there so you have to adjust your expectations on what you can realistically expect from him. If he's content with the way things are, know that you're not going to change him, no matter how amazing you are - and I know you are! You just have to decide what your terms are and what he is worth to you - what having him in your life is worth to you. We can't make someone be on our page, but we can choose what to do with our own lives if he's not.
Most of all, Rita, listen to your own gut instincts here. You know him and the situation better than anyone else. If someone in the exact situation as you were asking you what to do, listen to what you would say to her to help you decide what to do. And know that you're so not alone. It doesn't matter how old both of you are or what your situation is, this scenario happens far too often to the best of us, and when it's time to do something different, trust yourself to make the best decision for that beautiful women known as you! Living without regrets is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, so know that as long as you can live with your decisions and choices and make the ones that give you the most peace and happiness - that is all that really matters.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any additional ideas, advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Rita? Share them with us in the comments!
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