Does it sometimes feel like everyone in the world is in a relationship except you? I've been there, and here are five secrets I learned along the way that will save your sanity!
I remember that feeling that would come over me when, as a single girl, I would get an invitation to a party or a wedding or another event where I knew there would be mostly couples in attendance. As much as I would look on the positive side and think I might meet Mr. Right there (because that was always in the back of my mind), the reality was my married friends would all have each other and I would once again feel like the fifth wheel I always seemed to be.
It always seemed to be little old single me amongst all the happy, smiling couples who seemed to have everything I was looking for. No matter how much I tried to feel ok by myself, that deep longing to be part of a couple never went away. Nor did the feeling that there was something wrong with me that made me wonder if I would ever figure out what it was I was supposed to do to be on the other side. On that elusive couples side that always seemed to escape me.
No matter how much we may believe we are living in a different world today where it's more common than ever to be single or at least to marry much later in life, the reality is that it's almost impossible to forget that we are living in a couple's world. From the numerous times you're asked if you're dating anyone, or why you're not married yet (or something else along those lines), to the special rates offered to couples everywhere from gyms to resorts to big box stores, the implied message is always the same – if you're not part of a couple, there's something wrong with you!
Or at least that was how I always felt. For those of you who are able to ignore those messages and live your single lives to the fullest without feeling that way somewhere deep down inside, I admire you for being able to authentically be in that space amid such external pressure. But for the rest of us, I've got a few things to share with you that I wish I had understood back when I was feeling so discontented being single when everyone else seemed to be with someone.
So what's a single gal to do in this couples world? Plenty:
1. Focus on YOU!
That's right – you. That beautiful person who looks back at you when you look in the mirror. Take an inventory of everything you have in your life right now. Look at the things you want to do, the places you want to visit, the experiences you want to have, and start making those things happen now; don't wait to start living until you've found someone to share your life with. Live your life like you've never lived it before.
2. Remember that this is only temporary.
There are so many seasons in life. This is only one of them. Don't get so caught up in looking forward to the next seasons that you forget to enjoy the season that you're currently living in. There will be positive and negative aspects to each period of your life; instead of looking at the future as being better than here, focus on what is great about right now.
3. Give yourself a reality check about being part of a couple.
Spend some time with a married couple or a friend who's in a long term relationship to see the realities first hand for yourself. Being a part of a couple is wonderful, but maintaining a healthy relationship is not without its challenges. A reality check while being around them can give you a fresh perspective on some of the benefits of being single that you may not have realized in your quest to being part of a couple. This perspective can help to inspire you to enjoy your singlehood to the fullest.
4. Ignore the cultural messages.
Remember that most of it is just programming and marketing, and the culture doesn't reflect what is going on in your life. Hard to do, I know, but if you remind yourself of just how many single people there are out there, and especially how much money is made off of advertising that targets getting married, having a family and living happily ever after, it will help you see just how much of these cultural messages are actually part of big business, and not about your love life (or lack of one).
5. Remember to breathe!
Go easy on yourself. Stop being so hard on yourself. Just because you've been where you've been and gone through your experiences doesn't mean you're set up to repeat the same patterns over and over again. You can make changes; you can do things differently; you can stop repeating old patterns and you can (and will) attract someone different into your life as you begin to realize those baby steps towards changing those old patterns.
Remember, this is your time, your space, your season, your life. Don't let someone else's idea of what it means to be happy take away from the joy of being you.
Radiant, beautiful, confident, currently single YOU!
A woman I thought would like me as more than a friend chose a homeless guy over me. I am a guy with a pretty nice apartment and a car, but I get passed over for a guy who just got out of a shelter and doesn't have a car. I really do believe there is nobody out there for me. I don't feel attractive or desirable in any way, and every rejection or missed opportunity seems to confirm and cement that fact in my own mind. This woman was half my age, and I knew in the back of my mind she would probably never be my girlfriend, but it still hurts very painfully. I hear the same rejoinders from everyone: "Oh, you're a good-looking guy...you'll find someone out there when you least expect it." I, too, have given up even asking because THEY'RE ALL TAKEN. I don't think my ship will EVER come in.
Find you, Ben - and refuse to buy into anything that reflects back scarcity to you. They're not all taken and your ship will come in - but you have to have eyes to see this, too. You don't need any number of women; all you need is one!
I just came across this article. This is a hard time because it is the holidays and "our" plans for this holiday are not going to happen because we are not together. Feeling the feelings, taking it one step at a time and looking at this as an opportunity is how I am trying to approach it knowing that it takes time.
Hi Jane,
I'm a 25-yr-old female from Texas and I just wanted to add my two cents. Your post totally hit the nail on the head; not only for me, but for a few friends roughly around my age (or older) who are struggling through this "season" of our lives. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't need to be in a relationship right now, I have other things to do, I want to travel, I don't want to constantly be trying to win someone's affection, etc, etc..... and although I truly do believe those things, I'm sure others will agree that sometimes the emotional self-pep talks just aren't enough. However, reading your post just reinforced to me that the current path I'm taking - such as finding fulfillment as a teacher, and focusing on achieving my dreams of world travel - really IS the best path for me to take during this "single season" in my life. Myself and my friends may feel like a valley in our life, but no valley is created without another side that ascends to amazing heights. We just need to keep our heads and make sure we're making choices based on the right reasons and not what we feel pressured to do. Sometimes the pressure hurts and we feel inadequate, but it's nothing we can't weather. I know we'd rather make GOOD matches than HASTY matches that leave us with bigger problems.
Thanks for your post. I hope it gives clarity to anyone who needs it.
~Hailey~
Thank you so much for being so real about this, Hailey. What you talk about here - "such as finding fulfillment as a teacher, and focusing on achieving my dreams of world travel" - this was exactly the sentiment I was hoping to convey in this post. Figuring this out early, at your age, is so huge because so many of us look back on our lives and wish we had known what you're talking about here before we learned so much the hard way. I wish you the best, Hailey. You've inspired me! 🙂
Hello Jane,
Good Day to you. It's been a long time.
Thank you again for your wonderful and inspiring words. Thank you very much from the bottom of our heart.
Hello Jim,
I hope all is well.
It's really surprising that even men are struggling to find their special someone. I thought only us, women are having hard time to look for available men. Don't worry Jim, you're on the right track. Reading Jane's words will surely lead you to your one true love.
Rose
Thank you, Rose - I appreciate each and every sweet word from you and am always happy to hear from you!
Keep believing in yourself and the beautiful woman you truly are, and you will see that it will soon be your time, too.
Wishing you so much love and happiness. 🙂
Hi Jane, I am a man, and I see so many web sites geared towards single women who can't seem to find a man. Well, I have been single and available pretty much my entire adult life. I haven't had a date in over 11 years. I stopped even asking about 5 years ago. Every woman I ever asked was already in a relationship. The only women I ahve ever dated were Europeans when I went there. It seems there are many more available women there than men. But the USA seems just the opposite. I work with many men in their 20s and 30s who are alone, single, lonely and looking. They have the same complaints I do. There simply aren't any available women to date. As it stands now, I am always looking forward to foreign travel, as I know that I will probably have dinner companion(s) there.
Anyway, just know that there are plenty of us out there - single, available, intelligent (college educated) gainfully employed men who are lonely and looking. Some of us (myself included) have simply given up.
Happy hunting - Jim.
Thanks for your comment, Jim. It's always inspiring to get some male perspective here and to be reminded that it's not only single women struggling with finding someone special to share their lives with.
And don't ever give up, Jim; there really is someone special out there somewhere looking for you, too. 🙂
I'm gonna move to the USA 😉
Thanks for your comment. Interesting, I can relate through from a woman's perspective singing, "Where have all the men gone." 🙂 Perhaps it depends where on the globe one lives. The song American Tale comes to mind and bridges the gap. All the best in your search for that special someone!
Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.
And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.
Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.
Thanks for sharing these beautiful lyrics with us, Ann. A reminder of what we know in our hearts is so true.