I know, I know.
It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.
It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.
After coaching thousands of women of all ages from all over the world over the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.
The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.
No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.
I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!
You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.
But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.
Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.
You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.
You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.
See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you.
You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.
You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.
Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.
Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?
Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission because it works! Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back.
I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!
How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?
You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!
Love,
Jane
P.S. Now click here and tell me in the comments a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you!
Yes
No contact hasn't worked, I last 3 days then have to text him because I am dying for his validation.
You're not alone, Susan. I hope reading this today confirmed that for you. If it wasn't for the shame driving our actual behavior underground, we'd instead be sharing the reality of how much we're all failing at no contact -dying for his validation - and we'd feel like we had each other's support for exactly who we are, instead of trying to keep up appearances that drive the whole 'you can't contact him' narrative. Of course everyone knows what they 'should' do! Much love to you sweet soul. Dying for his validation is all too familiar and I hope you find your way out in coming out of the shame of being loved for exactly where you are.