I know, I know.
It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.
It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.
After coaching thousands of women of all ages and cultures from all over the world the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.
The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.
No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.
I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!
You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.
But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.
Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.
You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.
You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.
See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you. You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.
You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.
Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.
Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?
Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission. Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back. I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!
How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?
You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!
Love,
Jane
Now tell me in the comments below a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you and start listening to your own heart that has always known better than someone selling snake oil who pretends to know better than you!
Yes
I feel a bit confused by this particular advice. After reading the comments above, Queen Overthink's is closest to my experience. In my case, he would still text if I would, and be in contact that way, but he refuses to talk to me, so we could verbally see where things stand, which is what I'd prefer. So I have been ignoring any kind of contact he's still initiating and don't plan on any future answering.
Yes, I tried getting over him, now we're working on our relationship. We are actually doing good.
Glad to hear it, Theresa. Keep us posted - I know how these can go either way sometimes. Will be thinking of you!
yes
Just sending you some love, Lisa. Glad you're here tonight with us!
this resonated with me in an instant. beautifully written. thank you💗
I'm so glad, Jessie. Thanks for letting me know. Love that it resonated with you!
You're so right Jane. I recently jumped on a plane to go and see the guy because I needed to know for sure where I stood. I flew 3000km to see him and we spent a night of blissful passion together. I was never more sure of his feelings for me than I was in that moment. But then, the next day, I felt him pull away emotionally as he always does. I lay my cards on the table and I told him how I felt and he told me that he doesn't have space in his life for love right now. We all know that's code for either 'I'm not that into you' or 'I'm incapable of intimacy'. Either way, it sent me into a tailspin. I was heartbroken and I became angry and attacked him. It was a disaster and I was finally ready to see that there was no future with him. NOW I'm doing no contact, and I'm able to stick to it because I know for sure that he's not able to give me what I want.
Ah you embodied this exactly the way I was explaining it, Emily - thanks for sharing your story. Nothing changes but we have to see that with our own eyes first! Much love to you, I know it doesn't make it easier to do what you have to do but at least you know you did everything and your eyes are wide open now. Fighting ourselves is the worst thing we can do!
Yes! This is so true. I have tried so many times to do what different friends have said. “Tell him to never contact you again“ one has said often. Another has said, have the attitude of “next!“ Sounds good in the moment, but that’s not me. I treasured what I felt we had and walking away isn’t easy. maybe for him, but not for me.
But, no more shaming myself. I have unfinished things I want to say to him and plan on it! Even though I take responsibility for my part, I’m pissed that he led someone like me on all this time.
Like one of my dear friends says, “Love would not be so cruel to not give you the kind of love you want.” I’m holding on to that. But first, I have to settle with him what I feel I need to settle with him. I just want him to know how dare him have done what he’s done and over all this time. In so many people’s eyes, he is a wonderful guy - and he is in many ways - but sucks at relationships and love.
He needs to hear that it is not just all about him.
Thank you for being real about it, Jane. We have to do only what we can live with. it truly is what sets us free.
Exactly, Queen of the Overthink.:) You see exactly how this works!