No one could convince me otherwise.
I had too much evidence to the contrary. All my past relationships, all the men I'd ever dated. They only showed me one thing - the same thing - nothing was ever changing, they all ended up the same, and the only thing I could count on with any certainty was that I was going to keep repeating the same patterns every time, no matter how I chose or where I moved to or what circumstances were different for me.
I was the problem.
I was the common-denominator. This could only be something about me. Everything I tried produced the same results, just a different guy with a different face and name, but the pattern, the intense chemistry and the promise of everything in the beginning followed by the gradual distancing and then the total demise of whatever was left of the relationship.
This was always the way it happened for me and NOTHING on the horizon seemed like it could move the needle one bit.
It didn't matter how I looked or what my actual age was or what I had going for me. I felt no different than if I was a 90 year old woman on her deathbed.
I had absorbed every ounce of that energy.
The energy of an old woman who's lived her whole life serving everyone else's needs. The energy of a woman who felt powerless her whole life to change anything about her fate. The energy of a woman trapped and helpless with no way of her own to be happy, to have her dreams still come true, to be loved, to be enough, to finally have what she could only look from the outside looking in at what everyone else seemed to have.
This was the message that was passed down through the generations that came before you no matter how independent you think you are. It doesn't matter how successful you are in your career, or in other areas of your life. If you're here in our culture with a connection to women in your life who ever received these messages, you'll have received them vicariously your entire life through them.
You're nothing without a man. You're nothing on your own. You need a man to make you happy. You have to bend and twist yourself to be enough of what men want you to be to get a guy to commit to you.
You have to lose yourself and become what you're supposed to be if you want to be good enough to get an invitation to the "I belong" club.
Feel the pressure? Feel the helplessness? Feel how hard that would be to overcome - and especially on your own, without any support, without anyone coming alongside you to walk this path with you? You'd give up without it. Any hope in a change of circumstances would be followed by that sinking feeling in your gut that just when you got your hopes up, it was all going to be taken away.
That's the problem! It's not you, it's what you've absorbed. You've been taking it on and making it yours from the time you were a little girl. You've taken on the cares of the world, the cares of everyone around you so that you could prove yourself "good enough" to get some guy to grant you access to a club that couldn't care less about you!
No wonder you've lost all hope.
No wonder you're tired of all the bullshit. No wonder you can't even believe it could ever be different for you and you're scared to even believe it could. No wonder you don't know who you can even trust to tell you the truth anymore.
I couldn't either and this is why you find yourself here. I talk to women everyday who say these words themselves in their own stories and reach out as a last-ditch effort to see if something - anything - could possibly still "work" for them.
I teach them how to undo these patterns and find their way to love and happiness and freedom without blame, without shame, without putting it on you if your results are different from what someone else has decided they're supposed to be. If they can do it, so can you!
Throw off the judgement you've been heaping on yourself wondering what's so wrong with you. There's only one thing that's keeping you from creating the life and love of your dreams and it's found deeply embedded in someone else's story that was never your own.
Yes, the women before you may have felt helpless and stuck and they passed those messages onto you. But if you've absorbed those messages, you can absorb some new messaging too.
When you stop making an inherited generational story your own, you feel different, you'll act different. And when you act different, you attract different. If you took this subconsciously from them, you can take the new messages you can imagine them giving you now, if they'd only known someone could do this for them back then.
You're not so helpless to repeat the past.
In fact, you're the only one who can change the present and the future.
Hi Jane,
I'm in a state right now of totally heartbroken. I feel crushed and with the last words from my ex bf, I feel good for nothing.
I met this man on a dating site, end of March this year. He is 20 years older than me. We enter into a relationship in May, started living together in Jun, he moved in with me as he resigned from the same company I'm working and just serving his notice period. During this time, I tried to adjust to things he wanted me to change, meeting him halfway, without compromising my personality Getting my nail colored, dress up in a nice way even just going to supermarket, not too bossy on him, etc, etc.. see, I have strong personality, independent and self reliant. Years of living alone and being heartbroken a lot of times with the same type of men, I became so guarded on myself. He didn't like this approach and wanted me to change that. Simple easy things that he wants me to do right there and then and doesn't have the patience to wait for me to do it on my terms.
During the time he was staying with me, he has 2 medical emergency where he has heavy nosebleed. As he doesn't have immediate family and friends, I took care of him and nurse him back until he's healthy and fit to fly back home. I took 11 days of leave just to take care of him personally.
He went back to US in Aug 12 and we continue our long distance relationship. Every day we video chat and even we're distant apart, he still tried to change me in many ways. I know these changes are for my own good, but I would like to get it done one at a time and in my own terms and when I feel comfortable. He didn't like it and it reached to the point where all the conversations we'll have, he will always scolded me and say things that sometimes I find uncomfortable. He's always the talker and I just listen. 1st week of Oct, I finally lost my temper and asked for just taking a break. We had a conversation and asked him if he really did love me and his reply; I love you but I need you to change your attitude.. I didn't like that reply and didn't speak to him for 4 weeks. Then finally I message him and ask if we could try again. He said no possibility and he's trying to settle in with his personal and professional life and he's in a relationship already and would like to keep it. Of course I got hurt because I realized late how I'm willing to change, sacrifice and do more for him. He said that I'm a wonderful person but there's a lot of things in my life that I need to change. And hes getting old and don't want to waste time and doesn't have patience to wait for me yo change.. its just barely 3 months were going out!!! But this is me, this is my personality. In love, aren't we supposed to accept the person with their flaws and imperfections? I accepted and loved him unconditionally. I did a lot for him when he was sick, all those things , he didn't appreciate . Its sad that I feel like good for nothing for standing up on myself. I feel bas when all I want is just a break, and yet I was accused that during that break, my plan didn't work out and decided to go back to him. It's not fair. I feel disrespected when I asked him to speak to me at least and say those words coming from his mouth, he refused to do that.
I feel devastated and blame myself that this relationship didn't work out because of my attitude. I don't know what to do, what to think, my self esteem gone really low for all the hurtful words he said. I'm not a bad person, God knows what I have done for him. And yet, in the end, for him, I'm the one to blame.
I'm sorry if this is too long, I'm just so broken at this time and I just think of myself as a failure, good for nothing.
Thank you Jane and other readers.
Sheryl
Never too long, Sheryl. As for him, maybe, that's what he says and how he sees it, but for you, there's something else here. There's freedom that's waiting for you when you see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you - the real you - instead of this guy who you're seeing yourself through. Not broken, not a failure, not good for nothing. A beautiful soul who absorbs others' energies and confuses that with you. Much love, sweet soul. Just as you are, much love to you.
feel empty. I’ve gone out on dates with different men, steering away from the former alcoholics that I attracted , but while they’re not alcoholics they have other issues Looking for me to save them.. They pretend to be someone They think I would like, rather than just being themselves. Took 2 1/2 years to get over the last one, I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anybody, I didn’t ask him to change, and I did not expect him to change, I just accepted him . He ended the relationship. I was devastated. But Now, I think of him and feel nothing, no love, no anger, no hate, nothing. My heart is on holiday, don’t know when/if it’s coming back.
Being accepted as you are can be so hard to believe for some they push away even the best thing - the best person! - that's ever happened to them. Numb is a coping mechanism but it always comes back. Much love to you!