Next time you want to know why you keep finding these guys, read this.

Why do we keep finding these guys?

Because we want to.

We want them. Exactly as they are.

They're our projects. Our goals.

We find the hardest guy to get to commit, the one who shows the least signs of settling down and being the family guy, the faithful guy or whatever else it is we say we want so badly but our actions keep showing us the opposite.

And we decide HE'S the guy we want. Why would we ever do that if we really wanted a real relationship with someone capable of loving us?

You're getting what you ACTUALLY want regardless of what you keep saying you want, Beautiful.

Everything about what you're doing by picking these guys is about proving your worth by getting this ungettable guy. If that's not a word already, it fits here perfectly so we're using it.

These guys are the last guys on the face of the earth who you would EVER choose if you were looking for anything but proof that the ungettable guy is gettable for you!

Fix this. Change this. Yes you can. Only when you see it for yourself but I'm pointing it out to you right now so you can finally do something about it. However long you've been living finding these guys has been too long already.

I want you to start proving your worth to YOURSELF! I want you to get a life for YOURSELF apart from this guy who's not worthy of YOU so that you'll NEVER go looking for this guy's twin again to keep proving you're someone worth having to these ones who couldn't CARE LESS about YOU!

I came across a worn scrap of paper with these words on it in one of my books I'd forgotten about.

"If a single word or phrase can cause the undoing of your relationship with this guy, if he dumps you because you said the wrong thing or the wrong way, he's not your guy, he wasn't going to get there, don't cry your tears over him.

Be so gentle with yourself, sweetie.

If you have to live like this now, IMAGINE what it's going to be like living like this ALL THE TIME if you get what you think you want with him!"

I remember writing those words to myself. I needed them. Even the most benign choice of words about nothing significant mattered in how he responded to me. I always chose my words to him so carefully. And my tone, well tone was everything.

They had to be so perfect. If I sounded even a little needy or not confident or less than playful and light and cool girl vibe, he might not want to be with me anymore.

I was hanging on by such a sliver.

I never knew if he'd find someone else or if my hidden insecurities and neediness - god I wanted to be in a real relationship with him so bad! - would be found out and he'd either start pulling away or outright ghost me.

I was never at my best in the beginning - or middle or near the end - even though I never knew when that would come - of a relationship.

And you know why?

Because I was so focused on HIM, I'd completely forgotten about ME!

Don't do that anymore.

Stop focusing on him, what he does, what he says, what he's THINKING. Nothing changes until you take all the focus off of him and put it where it belongs: back on you.

Love you girl!

- Jane

Can you join me - and the rest of us here - and stop thinking about him for a change? Say “hell yes” in the comments below and let's do this together!