I want to be so clear about this because most of you won’t even realize you’re doing exactly what my client on one of my calls today is doing.
It’s subconscious.
If you're choosing someone who doesn’t treat you well - a player etc., this isn't about getting a guy, this isn't about a guy at all. It's about one thing - you proving your worth.
And before you say no, that's not me that’s someone else but not me, I want you to realize this isn't something you're going to be able to see on your own because it's subconscious.
The proof is right here when you ask yourself why would anyone ever choose someone who doesn't treat them well, why would anyone ever choose someone who is seeing other women, who doesn't prioritize them, why would anyone want a guy who makes them feel more alone and worse about themselves?
Why would anyone choose that?
That's why this is subconscious. Your rational mind answers that with a yes. You answer it with a that's not me. It's not something you consciously realize when it's such a deeply conditioned ingrained role! Trauma bonding, insecure attachment, these all are labels and psychological terms to help us understand but they all say the same thing.
You're irrationally attached to a guy who you would NEVER EVER want if this wasn't about you.
Proving THEM wrong. Showing them you're good enough to get a guy like this. Choosing the guy most incapable of making a commitment and proving you're WORTH it by getting him to commit to … you.
Taking the impossible and making it possible. What better way to prove you COULD get a guy, that you were worth so much more than anyone said you were going to be?!
Okay, you're seeing it now, good.
Now here's the positive side of this - the news that you can actually do something about this thing you're doing that's become such an ingrained pattern you don't know how to stop doing it. It's good news because if it was all about him, it would be up to him to recognize this, to fix it.
You really would be waiting on a guy to prove you were good enough and we all know how long a wait that might be. But because it's actually about you, you can fix it. You’re why this works. You're why I can help you. You're why there's hope.
It’s not someone else who changes this pattern, who stops being the one who's always with the guy who doesn't treat you what you're worth. It’s you!
You can do this! And I'm right here with you cheering you on through it.
Love,
Jane
Is this you? Let's change this together. Tell me you're ready to do something about it and just watch the support, the love, the power that rises up to meet you and empower you through it.
I'm ready to do something about it
Good because if you're here, you know it's time, Lorraine. Much love to you!
I know this is me, but I don’t want to letgo. I’m miserable, but the misery I feel seems less than the pain I will endure letting him go. It actually terrifies me. I’m so dependent on him I can’t. I need professional help, I know this. I just can’t
I’m in a lot of pain
Hi Kelly, I`m experiencing the same. I`ve tried to let go before.
I was in so much pain. Especially in my gut. It was constant.
I`m miserable to, but I just don`t see a way of getting through that pain.
It terrifies me to. I`ve tried lots of breathing techniques, meditation, etc.
I`m constantly trying to focus on myself with lots of self love and care, and just hope I will find a way that won`t feel so hard. Hope you can to x.
Hello Jane, I am not happy to hear that you are experiencing so much pain too or that you are in the same situation, but on the other hand, it is nice to know I am not alone in how I feel and what I am going through.
I really wish I could let him go. In my mind I feel like "okay, you need to build yourself up and make yourself strong enough to leave" but all my efforts don't seem to help. I have done years of therapy, countless books, seminars, self help, etc.. Nothing helps. I do struggle with mental illnesses, but it goes beyond that. In the past in another relationship where it was like this, I was more addicted to love and that feeling. This relationship I'm in, I rarely ever feel loved, and it is not that I am addicted to his love, I am just terrified of the pain that I go through after the break up.
Literally, one of my breakups took me 2 years to get over. I lose so much weight because I don't eat and barely can sleep and can't function at my job. I honestly wish I could forget him (trust me, I looked into that lol, it's not a thing) .
I know it is because I don't love myself enough. But as much as I logically understand all of this, I am lead by my emotions. I think I am writing all of this because it feels like for the first time in my life, I don't feel alone in this. Anyway, self love I feel is taught at an early age, and now it is like trying to learn a new language but like 10 languages at one time lol. I just feel lost. I know if my friend was in this situation, i'd tell them to run for their life. That they deserve so much better, etc. Logically, i know I deserve so much more, but something has me hooked. I think it is honestly my fear. My fear is so severe that it keeps me in a loveless, emotionally abusive relationship that only keeps getting worse. This dark hole keeps getting bigger and bigger and eventually, I fear I will be lost for good if I don't get out.
The only way I have let go in the past is just being fed up enough. Shockingly I am not there yet. Soon I feel, but I have no idea. I am tired of spending so much money on people who claim that they can fix things, or follow these tips and It will help. Nothing helps and it only wastes more money.
Sometimes I get so down every time he breaks up with me that I want to die because the pain is too intense. He says that I am forcing this relationship. Yet then things will be good for a little while and then he tells me he loves me again. Then when we fight again he will say he has been trying to end this for years and I am the one dragging this out.
I honestly wish I knew the secret. I wish I knew how to let go without it impacting every area of my life to the point that I can't function. I can't work, I can't eat, I can't get out of bed. I fear the most is when you break things off with him and the next morning you wake up, and realize it wasn't a dream and that it is all real and having to survive another day. having the thoughts of him moving on to someone else, that is probably the worst. Why am I not enough? Why can he not see my worth? The sad fact is that some people will never see it no matter what.
I wish I had a bigger support system and more friends. I truly feel alone and don't know how to deal with any of this. Sorry for my long reply. I hope your day is good.
I hope you selected to get notifications about this because I'd love someone to talk to who understands.
You're not alone, Kelly. And no, it isn't easy. The secret is actually to go through it, to just step into this thing you fear the most one step at a time. Something happens in the going through part. Something shifts, something changes, something happens that's bigger than just a guy or an addiction to a guy or to all the fears about losing some guy who keeps showing you he couldn't care less about losing you. I could tell you story after story of all the positive things that happened for so many women I've helped through this process who thought they were only letting go of a guy when actually they were letting go of a pattern, a block so ingrained and conditioned as normal, it changed their entire lives for the better when their fears of staying put became greater than their fears of moving forward. No one can tell you when that time is right for you except you, but listen to your body most of all; when we don't listen to what we know in our heads or our hearts, our bodies always let us know. Just because you don't see the replies on here, doesn't mean there isn't a whole collective of women going through exactly what you're going through! Much love!
I hope you see what I wrote to Kelly, Jane Marie. It applies to you as well. The terror is so real. Don't let anyone minimize it or tell you otherwise. But it also is telling you so much about yourself and giving you clues to where to look to find your way through. Much love to you as well, sweet soul.
Jane when I read your words I cried! I am in exactly that kind of relationship now! He’s everything you mentioned and more! He’s never been married (he’s 56) and many people have tried! I was determined to change this…. I did (for a minute) he actually asked me to Marry him… got the License… set the date and then bailed! Talk about a shot to my self worth! Your so right when you say it’s not about him… it was all about me getting what no one else could and I lost in the end because now I feel 10x wise about myself! I’m trying now to move on and work on myself! Thanks for doing the work you do.
I'm so glad it resonated with you, Anna. You didn't lose - you now see this pattern so clearly you'll be able to see it coming from miles away next time you see a guy like this. Much love to you as well - I know this is so much easier talked about than actually done.