I was on a call last week with a beautiful woman I'm coaching all the way from Africa. Our community has reached all around the world!
She was struggling with her deep - and completely justified - feelings of resentment after finding herself in yet another relationship where she's put in all the effort to keep a relationship going only to have it end in disappointment.
"When am I ever going to get this right, Jane?!" she asked me.
I empathize with her after voicing these same words more times than I ever thought possible.
"Could I really be right back here again?" For every one of you who've ever uttered these words, we all commiserate with you!
Who among us hasn't responded from our default hard-wired programming that tells us when someone pulls away, you try harder, you do more, you give more of yourself? Who of us haven't found ourselves doing what we would be so much better to do when it feels so counter-intuitive to our rising panic - to stop and let him come to you?
That deep programming/belief that if we keep giving/loving/proving and eventually we'll be rewarded by being loved back, has such deep roots in our society. And yet the reason it continues isn't because it produces any reliable rewards. It's because it keeps us serving others to the detriment of ourselves.
That can't help but lead to resentment because you can't keep giving like this and not feel resentful when it doesn't "work"!
The most tragic part of being conditioned to believe messaging like this, is that when we do finally wake up to it, we're not suddenly excited and motivated to do something different just because we recognize this is where the root of our problems lies. On the contrary.
No, we're more inclined to suffer even more because by the time we get here, we've lost the hope to do anything about it. We've got nothing left in us to fight what we've awoken to because we're too exhausted and disillusioned to do anything with it.
Hopelessness is the outcome, whether we understand this on a conscious level or not.
If we can't reconcile the realization that our selfless giving doesn't lead to a reward in our relationships, then what does that say about all the other areas of our lives we've followed this philosophy as well?
No wonder we feel resentful. No wonder we feel so alone in wondering what's wrong with us when the question isn't what's wrong with us, but what's wrong with a belief system that says we have to give more, understand more, lighten up more when we're the ones doing too much of our share already.
Change this. Start right where you are with the light you have even if this only slightly resonates with a belief system you're carrying with you.
Direct communication is awesome, but if that's not the kind of relationship you have, flip the off switch when he begins to pull away instead of going in more. Detach from any outcome. Detach from any more inserting yourself deeper into a relationship that is sending clear signals that you're the only one willing to do all the work.
Take a breather.
If you're not ready to see the whole picture yet, start with tabling the relationship - and him - long enough so you can see what you've actually got.
Stop giving more than you're getting. Stop when he stops.
You're not a martyr. That's the surest way to resentment I know! And if you can't figure out if you're got something worth saving or it's time to save yourself instead, click here for a special "Should I stay/Should I go" introductory session with me and I'll help you figure that out.
If we've learned nothing this past year and a half, we've learned life is far too short to waste any more time trying harder with someone who isn't trying anything at all.
Love,
Jane
Have you been giving too much? Trying too hard? Tell me down below in the comments what it's gotten you.
All it has gotten me was a man who wasn't happy. Did not know what he wanted. Started seeing other woman behind my back. I had to make him end it with me. I don't share. He knew that going in. But he continues to through the other woman in my face.