Our letter this week comes from Alex, who's second guessing herself about officially ending things with a guy she never really had anyway. Sound familiar?
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I met this guy on Tinder March 2020. We instantly hit it off.
It was going great and I know he liked me too but as time passed he would leave me on read all the time. I couldn't even hold a conversation with him but he would always message me back within a week. We didn't end up actually hanging out until September 2020. That was the first time.
I really liked him but still he would leave me on read and he would never ask me to hang out. As time passed we drifted apart because he would still leave me on read so often I figured he was un-interested even though I still really liked him.
So in January we started talking more again and became really close and I expressed how I hated being left on read and he said he was going through some things at the time and he apologized.
I did see amazing improvement he never left me on read again but he was still leaving me on delivered for 3 to 4 days even tho he was still clearly posting. He would never ask to hang out so that was confusing.
We ended up hanging out 2 more times where we cuddled and had sex once.
I eventually gathered the guts to tell him I liked him and wanted to know where things where going and he said that he could “definitely see himself with me but wanted to wait before committing to a relationship because he was working on the best version of himself ."
I did see him honestly working on himself and I do believe that a part of him likes me back, so I waited it out. About a month has passed and I am still getting left on delivered and still he hasn't asked to hang out.
I supported him through a lot I tried my absolute hardest to encourage him and show him my love and let him know how proud I was of him and be there.
Not once did I EVER leave him on read or delivered for more than a day I always showed him and told him I care and he knew that.
Finally after being left on delivered for 6 days and him still posting, I decided I was done I left and I told him I felt like I was an option and this was goodbye and just like that I unadded him.
It's been a week and I'm starting to question if I made the right decision. I think I hurt him and I feel really bad. I miss him so much.
Should I have tried harder? I don't know what to do?
-Alex
My Response:
YOU feel really bad?
Oh Alex, I wish I was talking to you live right now so you could hear how strongly I feel about you being the one who's feeling bad! What about HIM feeling bad for ignoring you, for not responding to you, for still having sex with you even though he wasn't ready for what you were? Girl, you absolutely made the right decision!
Where did you get that you have to support him through a lot, to try your absolute hardest to encourage him and show him your love, to let him know how proud you are of him, to make sure you were there for him AND still get nothing but left on read, maybe delivered if you were lucky, in return?
What exactly do you miss?
How specifically do you think you could have tried harder? Once you've answered those questions, ask yourself what he could have done. Contrary to all those messages you received about doing more and trying harder, remember that in a real relationship it takes two people contributing to the health and well-being of any relationship to make it work.
You can't be the only one looking back wondering what you should have done differently.
Honestly, I know it may have felt like you were in a relationship with him, but it's so telling now that you're the only one who's looking to rekindle it and go back to what you had - doesn't it seem like that should also be coming from him?
I hope this helps you see things more clearly now. Separate out your "shoulds" from your "coulds" and you'll see more of your power here. Sure you could go back to those days of being left on read and hearing how he's not ready for a relationship. But should you?
I have a feeling you know.
Love,
Jane
How about you? Tell Alex what YOU think she should do in the comments!
From what I understand "Tinder'" is a hook up site. So, why do you think being available for a man for sex is going to lead to a lasting, fulfilling relationship? Sorry, but you set yourself up for this one. Anytime a woman goes to bed with a man she barely knows is setting herself up for hurt and losing her self-respect. You think any man worth his salt is going to want to have you around for a serious, potential mate?? To take you home to meet his mother and other family members?? Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. It's the old double standard. Men can go around sleeping with different women and no one thinks anything of it but when a women does it, she's a slut. I think you have low self-esteem and instead of focusing all on him (or any man), how about focusing on you? I've tried most all the online dating sites with little success. Even though the men state they want a relationship, it's not the kind of relationship most women want. In other words, men are just looking for sex, but in order to get sex they know most women demand to be in a committed relationship. I've had men finally admit to me that they "had a little trouble with the law in the past" or "they are drug addicts', been emotionally abused, sexually abused, hate their mothers, hate women in general and on and on. I have found the men on these dating sites are losers or they are looking for someone to take care of them. I quit using these dating sites and feel safer for it. Anytime a woman goes to a bed with a stranger she is setting herself up for failure or worse. This guy is not interested in you. Not sexually or anything else. It's not your fault. You're just not his type and that's okay. Move on. If you think sleeping with a guy is going to make him more interested in you or even want a relationship you're dead wrong. Quit chasing after him! That turns men off. They may say they like to be chased, or it's okay but in the end, you'll lose. Some men don't have the balls to tell a woman he's not interested cause he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. They're hoping their ill behavior will make you be the one to leave and they'll be off the hook. It's not your job to fix 'anybody' unless you're a mental therapist and people pay you. It's not about being 'nice' it's about being smart and self protective. Even though you meant well in trying to help him, it's not your job and in the end he'll probably resent you for it. Believe me, I've been down that road too many times I care to remember. So, in the future do not sleep with a man for at least three or more months (if you want a Real relationship), stop trying to fix his problems, be more self protective, don't chase after him (no calls, no texts, no driving by his house etc.) and be more selective. Don't accept any bad behavior from anyone no matter how much you like them. Walk away from people that don't respect you as a person. Simple? No. but it's doable. I let go of a 57 year friendship from a childhood friend I thought would last forever and we would end up together in a nursing home but after all those years I realized she didn't respect or love me like she had me to believe. She hurt me deeply and never would apologize yet I would always over look her hurtfulness. One day, I got sick of always being the one to overlook how she treated me. I finally woke up and realize there is someone I loved more than her. Me! No, this friendship wasn't a lesbian relationship,lol. We had known each other since first grade and grew up together. I tried to help and 'fix' her for years but in the end she never appreciated what I tried to do for her and our friendship went south. We are still no longer friends, more like enemies. I've learned a lot about myself and one thing I'll never put up with is anyone treating me like less than a person. Learn from my experience
The saying is 'flogging a dead horse. I've been there. It helps to have a couple of options to give yourself abundance, so you don't focus on that one elusive guy.
You were probably attracted to him because he was so elusive and inconsistant. If he had been in constant contact, would you have felt so needy of his attention?
Ever since I have put the love and attention back onto myself, my elusive guy has been in constant consistent contact. If he wasn't I would be happy to walk away...he has to earn my love and trust! Don't sell.yourself short on future.
I’ve been in that place and it is definitely difficult but I found that after getting through that I actually felt better.
It’s really hard sometimes to hang onto yourself
I know the best thing I feel you can do is sign up for a class That interest you a couple of evenings a week there are a lot of different ones at your local college take care of you quit thinking of him it isn’t worth it I’m elderly and believe me
It isn’t worth your time or love or energy I know easier said than done but try for your own
Peace. My heart to yours
You’ve got this!
Congratulations! You know your worth and unfortunately that guy does not. You obviously are a pleasant intelligent person. From what I gather in your post he did not seem pleasant at all! I question his intelligence as well, lol. I’m a caring person too, but there comes a time when caring is not what a person needs or wants. So if that’s not what he wants he must want something else……beware! You never know what’s really in this persons heart, unless they insist on you knowing. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if he is nothing like you yet keeps you strung along, what is he really after? I would always keep that question in mind. You deserve reciprocation for everything you have done. Don’t let it keep adding up the many times he does not give you a simple answer? You don’t want to waste your time waiting for him to give you a simple answer? That’s really “rude”! I don’t know some people like rude! I don’t think you are one of those people. I hope I helped. You deserve better than that.
I am so glad you walked away!!
There was no relationship. Just all your effort and understanding.
Starting now, pour all your attention and effort into getting over him and doing things for yourself.
Next time, don’t meet the guy on tinder. Look for an online dating option that is more for people who want a real relationship, and who have to put effort into their profile.
He obviously wasn’t interested in any relationship. It isn’t you personally, it is him.
Don’t go back or wait around for him because your real guy is actually out there. The relationship you want exists, it is just that you haven’t met your wonderful guy yet.
You’ll know when you have because he will be going after you. He will want to make sure you know what is going on and early on. No more left on read or delivered or not communicating much or not hanging out.
Do yourself a favor and get over this guy so you are ready for that wonderful guy!