Ten years is a long time to be dating someone without a commitment. It's never something we set out to do, but in the case of Anne, it's where she's found herself.
Read on to hear her story, and my response, then let her know what YOU think she should do!
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
I've been with a guy for 10 years. There's lots of drama.
Every time I find that he's seeing some one else, he swears he's only flirting and nothing happened with them.
I'm 54 and he is 49.
He's never been married, no kids, but he's always looking. I've left him but he came back after 4 weeks and he is so in love with me - a changed guy - for a short time.
I love him and I want to be with him but he will never be ready. He said he never had a long relationship with anyone else and I'm the only love of his life but he's afraid of commitment.
Do I let him go?
-Anne
My Response:
Hi Anne,
So you've got a guy who wants everything he has with you, doesn't want you going anywhere, but he doesn't want to have to go beyond his own comfort zone to give you what you're looking for - a commitment.
The easiest answer here, Anne, is to ask yourself if you can stay with him AS HE IS without trying to change him or hoping he'll change.
What you have now is the best indicator of what you're going to get more of. He has to be motivated to figure out what he needs to do to get there to make that commitment to you, and it has to come from him.
You can inspire him to change by living your own best life that doesn't revolve around him, but you're not going to change him if he doesn't have the motivation himself. Ask any woman who's walked in your shoes - it's not much of a life living for the "what if's".
And while most of my readers reading this are going to say to let him go, if you're here asking this, I know you're feeling torn. I've been here with enough women to know this feeling.
It's not so clear when you're in it even though you know what you would say to someone else going through this right now. So what I'm going to tell you to do instead is what actually works and doesn't leave you living a life of regrets.
Focus on what you need to do to really live your own life. To be happy. To get to the root of what happiness looks like to you.
Don't focus on letting him go if you're not ready to. There's nothing worse than letting someone go and then going back and forth until you've lost all respect for yourself. When you focus on yourself instead, your answer is going to become so clear really soon.
Give him space to be himself. Don't fall into the trap of nagging him. Don't try to manipulate or control him. That never works and only builds resentment instead. Don't get into conversations you're ready to have and he's not. That's how you frustrate yourself and end up giving all your power away to him!
Keep your options open and adopt the mindset that you are the prize here - because you are! Your goal here is to make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy so that you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up.
You've got to give yourself some emotional distance from him by detaching enough so what he does or doesn't do won't matter as much as you do!
You take the pressure off someone when you don't require them to be responsible for your own happiness, Anne, and that's what we're going for here with you.
When you live your life like this, when you look at him from a healthy place of detachment - which I know takes practice to be able to do this! - you'll find yourself able to decide from a place of your own power whether he's worth being in your life, or whether the reality of who he is and who he isn't is no match for you.
Bring it back to you, Anne. He is who he is and he's clearly letting you know with his words - and his actions - where he's at. The question for you to answer as you shift the focus back to you now, is who do you want to be?
Hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
Sound familiar? Whether you've been here, are here right now, or just feel for where Anne is, let her know what YOU think she should do in the comments. You're not alone!
Hello Anne,
I'm going through the exact same thing, I've been with this guy over ten years, I'm 58 and he's 53, and he has one son. I think he's actually afraid of commitment. He claims that he doesn't like titles because it ruins the relationship, really. Jane gave some really good advice and I agree with everything she said, make this about you. I started doing more things by myself, I volunteer with the elderly and in my community. I have several women that we get together and go shopping, and I take long walks.
I'm quite sure you love him and you've invested so much of your time, and yes, he must have some good qualities and you enjoy his company. You have someone to do things with, eat dinner with, and go places with. That's all well and good but the one thing you want is the one thing that he's not willing to give and that's a commitment.
I'm in the same situation, we break up and get back together, and when he comes back, it's good for a while and he keeps saying, we'll talk about it later. Later, never comes, and then we're back in the same old routine. So, I took kissing and intimacy off the table. The most contact we have is a friendly hug and sometimes he kisses me on the forehead.
You have to ask yourself if this is enough. As for me, it's enough for me right now. I have so much going on with myself that I can't sit around and wait for him to show up.
Now, he says that I'm always on the go and never home and he can't seem to catch up with me.
I hope everything works out for you and remember, you're not alone.
Follow Jane's advice and allow him to become less important and less of a priority in your life. I am in the middle of a similar situation, but it's only 3 years in. I don't mean to be hurtful or rude, but I recently asked myself if I wanted to be in this same place in 10 years and realized I don't. So Now I am trying to figure out how to drift apart casually and without drama or hurt. We have lots of memories together and I want those to stay great memories and not be marred by an ugly ending. So take it slow or rip the bandaid off and move on whichever works best for you and what you want and need in your life.
I totally agree with Jane’s response to Anne. You don’t have to let go if you’re not ready to but you do have to accept who he is at this time and deal with all that comes from that. I too have been in this “relationship” or I don’t even know what to call it anymore for 10 years. We lived together for 4 almost 5 years then he left, but we still communicated and on occasion got together. Then I moved to be with him in another State then I left because his indifference was killing me but we still continue to communicate. He is 56 and I am almost 55 years old and sometimes I feel like we are living like teenagers. He has grown children one of which he still supports and he is still legally married to the mother of his children. They live in separate States. I just don’t know what the hold up is on getting his divorce and here I am still waiting and hoping but I ask myself over and over again how much more waiting can I give this man?! I finally came to accept that I have to move on with my life, do my things, and continue communicating with him but I’m no longer waiting around either. If someone else comes into my life I welcome it but for now I’m getting reacquainted with ME! And it’s been very nice to just be me again and not have to deal with the drama and insecurities and the not knowings, etc.. If he wants to finally commit to us then he knows where to find me but he’s taking his chances because I may or may not be available to him. Such is life! I wish you well Anne and know you are not alone. There are SO many of us going through these things with men who don’t know how to love nor commit. But we need to learn to love ourselves more and to give ourselves the opportunity to get to know ourselves even more. Like Jane mentioned, that’s when we will start to realize things and it will come fast and easy. Best of luck, and many blessings.
Omg I am not one to post anything, but I read everything but this issue that Anne has, I felt compelled to tell her what I did and I was exactly in her shoes not long ago except my relationship is 8 years. But my world revolved around him and we were so close but then he started distancing himself which in turn pushed him further away. He broke with me 2 years ago and I was devastated but I left him alone and started working in myself. He came back after 2 months and of course I took him back because I loved him. He changed, he was so loving, open affectionate, and we communicated more and started spending more time again until one night he opened up ti me unlike I have ever heard. The next day he told me he was going to meet his family in California, of course he asked me ti go but he knew I couldn’t because I had my son. But i started wondering what happened so it was then, i changed everything. I took the power that I had given him fir years and shifted inti me. I listen to Audio meditating, motivational videos, i started walking 2-3 miles 5 days a week and started filling my life with things I liked to do, but it wasn’t until I started to love myself that everything changed. One thing that stood out to me in a meditation, Is if you say you love your partner and he doesn’t acknowledge you or make you a priority, Do you love him or do you love who he was and treated you and you want to stay in hopes he may change. For some reason that resignated with so much, that it hit the bail on the head and thats what was stopping me to move forward. Tes Im still with him but The difference, my options are open but my attitude has completely changed. I love myself now and feel so good about myself that what he does or doesn’t do doesn't matter. I matter!! He sees the change but doesn’t know what to do. But if you don’t love yourself, you will never be happy. I hooe this helos
I was widowed after 34 years 4 years ago. I met a man within a year and we have been on and off since then.
I was so (understandably) needy in the first 2 years and let him treat me badly.. or more like I needed him to fillthe void in my life when my DH suddenly dropped dead.
In the last year, I've suddenly become a very proficient artist and taking an art degree as well as having an really interesting job dealing with people. My own life is so full, I don't need his breadcrumbs any more.
I found out he was seeing an old flame at the same time as seeing me. I was angry and humiliated and sent him packing.
He's tried to reach out again and I just ignore him. Yes, I'm hurt, humiliated and angry at myself for letting this shadow of a man into my life so many times. I love myself too much to let anyone treat me like this. I have loving family & friends who really care for me, why lower my standards for a cheat and inadequate just to have a man around.
I'm grieving the fantasy I built up around him and feeling quite traumatised by the whole saga. You must be strong, fill your life with things you love and know after the grief of letting him go, you will get your power back. He will also respect you.
I ended a 13 year on/off relationship finally. It was not easy to do as I did try before. However I was not happy sitting on the fence anymore. If I invest my emotions, time and energy I want it with a man that wants it too. After awhile it gets nowhere.. no direction. He said he wanted to marry me but did not do it. I started to feel confused angry and resentful. I led my own life. I believe two people need to be on the same page or it becomes hurtful and disappointing. I finally declared a goodbye and I’m moving on. It did not make me feel good enough to be with a man who did not want a true commitment with me..
I agree with Jane. Healthy space and detachment is important to find yourself and to see and feel, things that will truly make you happy and make you, YOU.
I am somewhat in your same position right now and I find that when I give myself that healthy space I can think clearer and breathe easier. I’ve been dating a man for nearly seven years who will not commit to getting engaged or married and I asked him, if we could at least wear rings..something that is to symbolical to us and our being together. I mean that would’ve made me happy. Maybe it’s upbringing for me, but I like the idea of rings.. he told me “If I want a ring, then go buy one and wear it.” He refuses to buy one. So, I think that’s when I decided in my mind that emotional space was needed and I took a little training; but I detached myself to a small degree from him in my mind. I had to because I have self-respect. On the flip side, I am still with him and I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with someone who won’t fully commit. I’m getting older and I’m tired of not having a full-time team-mate and I’m tired of sleeping alone every night too. So,.. yes I understand what you are going thru. Focus on you though and your likes and interests. Do not let him be the entire focus if your every thought and every part of your day. It’s unhealthy to do so. I wish you luck. Stay strong, stay YOU!
If you are not ready to break up with him, definitely focus on your own life. Add more activities that you can do with him. Go on solo vacations once we can post-Covid or with girlfriends. Possibly also ask for a break of 8 weeks or if you two can step back to friends and date other people. It could be a test run for you but also could prove to be very illuminating about him. It not too late, and not too old. He is taking away from you being open to others, including that great guy out there who wants a commitment with you. Ps. To the other Readers here: Have any of you taken time, stepped back as friends, or flat out broken up with a guy like this ... and then regretted it? I think most people haven’t? I know I felt nothing but relief later that I escaped those bullets.
That was suppose to read add more activities that you can do WITHOUT him. Sorry!
Jane is so right! I know because I was in a similar situation and I did exactly what she is saying. We are going on 3 years together. He is 45 and I am 41. He is looking at houses for us now and has been bringing up marriage. He wants our lives combined with this year:)
It was hard when I was hanging on his every word and hoping for a commitment (like a girl daydreaming!) I actually wrote to Jane myself! It all changed when I followed her advice.
I know what I want in my life. You know what you want. I wanted to date him because of course I was hoping it would be him, but I accepted it might not be. He is not fully committed to you, don’t fully commit to him! You are just waiting and he assumes you are going to be there for everything you have been for the last 10 years. When men talked to me and asked my relationship status, I told them I was seeing someone but we didn’t have a future (if he was a good one;)) I had conversations with men. I didn’t date but my options were open! Within a month, he was bringing up commitment. He even told me one time he knew me was going to have to step up or he would lose me. He was right.
Your guy will too I think. If he really sees you could be gone, not there everytime he wants you to be, and living your life with someone else, he is going to want to keep you and be willing to whatever it takes.
A couple important notes: don’t be bitchy in all this. It’s hard to not be hateful and resentful towards your man when you are in this situation. Remember what you live about him. You have to be fun and open and accepting of his love. You have to be the woman he would want to see and spend time with everyday.
You are making your best life, with or without him. Keep that in your mind at all times. And truly be ok with walking away.
You might have to share your dreams with him one time without saying you want it for the two of you. You might say something about the vision you have for your future and your life then go out and start making it happen. You want a home and to build a life with someone….. then, definitely never bring up the two of you in the future unless it is to reinforce that the two of you have none, obviously because he has told you that. He needs to know what you want out of life and that you aren’t necessarily thinking it’s going to be him anymore since you don’t want the same things. Let him put himself in that spot. Let him want to be there and let him tell you that’s the spot he wants! If he wants it, you will know! He will claim his spot. When he wants it, there will be no guessing!
Side note- men want to make their woman happy. When he is making happy, let him know. He falls in love knowing he can truly make you happy and that he is doing it.
I understand completely. I've dated the same senior man for about five years. He always flirted with me but both of us were married to someone else. My difference is I never visualized us married. He has an ex wife, who I knew years ago. They got divorced after three children, now grown, and he married someone else. Was married to her for years and she died. We ran into each other about five years ago. We just talked for a while but before we parted he asked if I'd like to have dinner some time. I said "that would be fun". (I had heard many years ago that he was a "player" but, heck, he's late 70's now, so I ignored it.) He is a lot of fun, in spite of his bad health due to COPD from smoking for 60 years. Now, I find I want to be more involved with him but have to understand it is not "going" anywhere. So, if you can do as I am doing, enjoy time with him but don't have expectations of living together, enjoy! If not, it would be easier in the long run to pull back or end it now before it gets harder to do so.
Anne. I am right there with you except mine has been 16 years and will not commit. There was a huge blow up about a year ago and since then I have distanced myself and started looking out for myself. I have started doing stuff I want to do and not letting him dictate my every move. I know I can do better, but we are not close like we use to be. It is more of a relationship of convenience. I am ready to move on single, it is just getting the nerve up to pull the plug.
Anne, I know you love him with all your heart but ask yourself this do you love yourself as much as you love him? You should love yourself enough to not associate with anyone in your life that causes you pain and suffering. I understand your heartache. I think you know it's best to move on ( I think you just want that affirmation from others) cause it seems you do know that is best for you. How do you think your guy would like it if roles were reversed? You weren't giving him a commitment? You think he'd be as patient and loving as you?... Probably not. I say love yourself first and distance yourself from him and pray to our heavenly father for help and guidance.
Well said! To me prayer is the most important thing. I know our Lord wants what is best for us and sometimes He removes them but we keep wanting it our way and that always fails. God’s will for our lives is most important.
Anne, you've stuck around for ten years - that's a long time. It must have been pretty good, even if not your ideal 'dream' relationship. So just accept that this is what you've got and appreciate it. Forget about commitment. You've got a guy who's in it for the long term, just not with some 'title'. Go ahead and celebrate that, and let this guy know you're happy with him just the way he is.
Females choose the mates in the animal kingdom...this man is doing the choosing including being with other women other than Anne....Anne deserves the right to choose a good man for her that she doesn't have to just accept how he is. A man that's afraid of commitment is not a man...yet is a immature boy in an man's body. The purpose in choosing a mate is for love, companionship and to care and provide for one another...and potentially raise a family together....this guy sounds like that just as you say he is just a guy. He's not a man. A true man loves, provides, cares for the woman and relationship. I hope I changed your mind I couldn't stay silent with the ( not good) advice you gave Anne.