Tina wrote to me about a man she's in love with who also happens to be married. Whether you've ever found yourself in a similar situation or just have a response to this one, I'm sure you'll have something you want her to know.
Her Email:
Hi Jane,
I'm been in love with a married man for over a year now. I found out that he is married but he said he was single. We have said "I love you" to each other. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure if he really loves his wife or not. Should I leave him?
Tina
My Response:
Yes, Tina. You should leave him. He's married. That means he's not available to you. That means he belongs to someone else.
It doesn't matter whether he really loves his wife or not. I know that may feel like that should be part of the decision-making process for you, but it's not. For one thing, how are you going to be able to believe him, regardless of what he tells you? A married man NEVER says he still loves his wife to someone he's saying "I love you" to.
I know you may think he's going to get divorced and then he'll be free to be with you anyway, but until he officially is - and you've seen the paperwork - then and only then is he going to be available to you.
Remember that he lied to you when he told you he was single but he was really married. What's to say he's not going to lie to you about something else that serves his own interests?
Finally, I'll leave it to the community of women here who've either found themselves in your shoes before or have something they want you to know to help you make your decision.
To me, it's clear.
I've simply seen too many women heartbroken over men who neglected to mention they were still married to ever want to see another woman go through that herself.
He's not the only one who can give you what he's giving you, Tina. You deserve someone who actually can!
Love,
Jane
How about you? Do you have something to say to Tina? Tell her what she should do in the comments below!
From one Tina to another leave him! I was in that situation where he told me he was separated. I was also so thought it was ok. Finally started asking some questions and he said he lived in the same house until one day he slipped and inadvertently made a comment on how much better the sex was with me and I asked compared to who? Where he admitted he would get together with his wife once in a while. I freaked and he asked haven't you ever had sex with your ex sometimes? Answer was NEVER! So after a few more questions the truth was revealed. I in no uncertain terms told him he was a liar and his integrity was zero. I wouldn't want to be with a man like that and not what I left my marriage for. I gave him philosophical speech after speech on the value of your word, integrity, what I'm looking for in a relationship but all he wanted was someone who he could have sex with because he didn't get along with his wife which was BS. Told him things couldn't be that bad if he was still there and it sounded like he wanted his cake and eat it too. He didn't want to give up any assets but wanted a sidepiece (which I was) so leave him and go find your self dignity again. This subject makes me so angry because these men manipulate, don't think twice about hurting not only the other woman but their partner and shows how narcissistic they are. The guy I was seeing is still trying to get me back into his bed (or mine as his isn't available) and I have now blocked him. Even when I have literally said why would I want to be with a man who isn't available evenings, weekends, available to spend the weekend, free to talk whenever, wherever, go on vacations with... etc. he didn't care, he wanted me to fit into his plan. He wanted me to take vacation days so he could hang out with me during the day and he would call in sick. I was so insulted but that's me. Ditch him he's not yours and don't let him talk you into any other explanation. He will not leave his wife and as women we should support each other and not play in anyone else's sandbox. I actually did a little research on his wife and everything he said about her was not true. She was a life coach, high up in the banking system and seemed to me that she had outgrown him, not the other way around. Take a real look at him, he's with you because you made it easy for him and he doesn't have to go hunting anymore. He has his life figured out and conveniently set up so he doesn't have to forfeit anything. Sorry for the harshness but as I said this subject really gets to me. You're better than that.
Tina you’ll never be able to feel secure and trust in him. I’ve been seeing a man for 2 years who told me he is married when we met. I wanted him to prove his trust which is ridiculous when I think about it. I don’t and can’t trust him..it’ll never happen. I’m moving on and regaining my self esteem.I hope you can too. Move on ....All the best . 🙏😊
Hi Tina, my heart breaks for you that you were not given the choice to be the other woman or not. He is a liar and cant be trusted. The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave him. Karma is real, what goes around comes back around, and remember if he can do it with you, he will definitely to it to you. You cant trust a man that lacks respect and self love. Move on Sis. You deserve nothing but the best because you are a Gem. Soldier on Queen.
I was in the same situation. He was a police. And he was married. When his mother died the paper in the news paper was stating he was married and the name of the wife. He always said he could not leave his phone number because he was the director of a secret service police. Same thing for his address. I was so hurt. But I did the right thing, I left him. That relationship would never go where I wanted. He was wonderful with me. Such a great personality. But I,m glad I left. He could not give me what i deserved. I gave so much of me. My advice to you is leave him. Let your hearth cool down.
Dear Tina
I have been where you are before and dated a married man. First of all karma is real and your actions and any involvement with married man is dead end road that leads to heart aches and broken dreams. No good will come out of it. Leave him now and plus he is a lier and cannot be trusted. Don’t be a home recker.
Leave him!! He didn’t tell the truth when you met; he will do the same to you!!
And this has no good outcome: If he ever becomes single (unlikely!!), at some point, he will want to be truly single again. Hopefully he tells you that, but he already has a pattern of just cheating instead.
He is no where near the point of being able to start a new relationship.
Save yourself years!!
Then he will say, oh I am going to leave my wife.....don't believe it....and IMO if he keeps telling you he loves you....to keep you with him....leave as fast as you can...
Man wants his cake and eat it too....
This is my first time commenting but I have encountered this In my life and I used to listen as to what the guy I was dating was telling me after I found out that he was still married , excuses come in the form of we are not together but I am working on divorcing her , I am waiting for this and that to happen so I don’t hurt her as much just be patient with me I will
Soon part ways with her after all she is this and that , by the time I woke up I have wasted five years of my life and o left him without thinking again because I already wanted my life and good men just by hanging in there ,just runnnnn don’t waste your life away
I was also in the same situation. I dated a guy and he got married to someone else while I was in a relationship with him. I only found out 4 years later and by that time he told me he was in a process of getting a divorce which never happened. I waisted 10 years of my life in that relationship. It was excuse after excuse and he lied with a straight face and I believed every lie he told. I hated myself for being so stupid. It is better to leave as soon as you can..
We always believe because we want to believe, if they are lying, we have to do something we don't want to do! So glad you're out, Deon. Don't hate yourself. You had your reasons then even if you can see it so clearly now.
Hallo Tina,, my advise is get out of that relationship,He was supposed to tell you he is married and you make your choice to love him or not.. once a liar always aliar. All he wanted was to get you not to love you..For me I can say leave him, you will get someone honest with you 🙏🏼
Run Don’t walk away! Reverse the situation what if you were his wife and you were having problems he was out having an affair just think about it… Why isn’t he divorced why is he outTelling you he loves you but not telling you that he was married? What else is he not telling you?
Girl friend grow up
This is unfair and unhelpful. Be kind.
We are here to help each other Ladies! Let's support one another.
I’ve been here before. It sucks. It seems to me he doesn’t have any respect for relationships- either the one with his wife or with you. The only person that matters here is you- what do YOU want in this moment, right now. Not a year from now but right now- today. You went into this thinking he was available and he is not. It’s super hard to make that choice but remember you are choosing your own happiness here- and you deserve to have someone who is honest, available and treats you with respect.
So true, this shows a lack of respect towards you and also to his wife! NEVER A GOOD SIGN!
Never be number 2 in any relationship . You will always be the other women . It will hurt but time will mend you to find a really good honest man . Praying for your strength to move on .
Yes, you deserve better, much better. Leave this man now. He’s lying to his wife by remaining with her. Even if he were to leave her you would always be wondering if he might do the same to you. You matter and are worthy of the life you are really looking for. Go for it!💕
Well if you don't mind ALWAYS being second in his life...stay. I wasted so many years being with a married guy. When family events happened I could not be there. Could not meet his brothers and sisters or any family member. Met very few of his friends. Holidays? Could not be with him. We could steal away a few hours here and there. If I had to do it over again I would have never gotten involved with a married guy. I wasted years waiting for him to leave his bad marriage. Never happened. Most likely if he is cheating on his wife he will cheat on you, or maybe he already has a couple of other girlfriends on the side. You have only wasted a year on this guy. You could stop seeing him until he gets a divorce. But he won't get a divorce. You are fresh new and fun, the sex is great. He will keep making promises to keep you around. Like I said, if you don't mind being second in his life stay with him. Or see him and date other men....keep your options open.
You should leave him.
As Jane said, you can't be sure he's not or won't in the future lie to you about something else important. And who's to say he won't do this same thing to you in the future (conceal that you're a couple because he's interested in someone else). Unfortunately,bwe can get caught up in a cycle of believing he's going to leave her for us. It might not turn out that way -- he may go on with someone else he has a completely new start with.
It may not seem like it now but your own integrity and value deserve more. There are men out there who are single and available right now. I hope you give yourself a chance to get clear on your own life, then meet some of them.
Dear Tina,
I am so very sorry that you are being put through this and by someone you trust and love.
As hard as it might be, I agree that the best thing you can do for YOU is leave.
I’m speaking from experience in that a man who told me and persuaded me his marriage was over and he was finalizing his divorce within months of heavily pursuing me, against my better judgment, I got involved with him. And am almost embarrassed to say, but because my heart has been so latched on, it’s been a roller coaster ever since. I fell deeply in love with him a while ago, believing all he said to me about me/us. I believed for that “someday”. We’ve gone through many times where he’d talk about the future and how he can’t wait to spend more time with me but I feel he can’t leave his marriage due to many family obligations, grown children and grandchildren, etc.
I’ve gotten to the point where the pain is just too much and so I concentrate on my own life more than I ever did before, and it is so freeing. What Jane said about him only doing the things that will make him happy is so true. Men like this are very selfish and first off, I tell myself often if he lied to his wife and family in any way, what would keep him from lying to me.
I can’t stress enough the pain you are in for - it will only increase. It’s very difficult when we’ve been given hope for love with someone special to us and then we find something like this out and our heart sinks. But when I look back, if I had walked away the first time he even voiced any doubt ever of leaving his marriage (of course, after I was already hooked), I wouldn’t have set myself up for the pain I’ve gone through since. Sometimes I ask myself, who am I that’s doing this? I totally know better so I can relate to women who have gone through this. It was never my intention or on a list of anything I thought I would ever do, to be involved with a married man. Doesn’t matter whether he still loves his wife, whether he still sleeps with her, whether they live in separate homes… Unless it’s finalized and you see the paperwork for it, he is still married and so yes, he belongs to someone else.
I wish you all the best and the courage and the strength to do what is right for you. Don’t even think about what’s right for him, put yourself first! You will be glad you did.
Hi my name is also Tina and I went through the same thing ...bottom line is he is married or in a relationship and even though he says he loves you..(my case as well)he is not available emotionally or physically and he lied to you...I know how hard it is to break free (was seeing him for over 16 months) it was so hard and I was terrified of ending it..but I did it for me because I am worth it and I don't want to be in a relationship where I am the one giving all of me and receiving only a fraction of the other...
I personally would say to you..Find the courage and let go....your peace of mind is essential..
Tina, he is a liar which means you will never be able to trust him. If he can do this to his wife, even if he did divorce her for you, then he could do the same thing to you. Men like this are selfish cowards. You need to run, not walk away, and never look back. Love yourself enough to get away.
I know this is really hard for you because you want him to leave her and start a happily ever after with you but it just doesn’t work that way.
He might not love her. He might not want to be with her but he has built a life with her. He is just not leaving her, he is leaving a life he knows. It will take him time to adjust and he needs time to figure out who he really is outside the marriage if they do separate.
Many people never leave their spouses even if they are unhappy because the adjustment is too much. They just bear through it and add whatever they are missing in the marriage with someone else outside the marriage. So you are kind of his marriage “supplement” so he doesn’t have to face and try to fix whatever is wrong in the marriage.
Another thing, whatever is wrong in the marriage will likely stay a problem as he moves into the next relationship without the time to reflect on his part of the relationship failing.
You want someone that has the character to own their part of the failure and is willing to work on themselves. He is not it.
Good luck. I know it’s hard. When I was very young, 17, I was with a married man for a short time. He kept promising he was going to leave her, their marriage was basically over. That was 23 years ago. They are still married and he is still cheating on her.
I had a friend who dated a married man for like 10 years, he always said he would leave his wife. Well the wife ended up leaving him. My friend thought she would end up marrying him. NOPE! He started going out dating other women....the kind of women who would NEVER date a married man cause they valued themselves. So my friend wasted all that time all those years...you can't get those years back.
Hi Tina
In 2015 I learned that my husband was having an affair with a woman 32 years his junior
I found out by accident as I made a call to a missed number on our landline from my cell phone. It went to a voice mail but hours later I received a call from that number from a young woman . From that conversation I learned from her that they were in a intimate relationship. Her words! Three years of drama ensued! The lies he told her about me were incredible. He left to be with her three years ago however there has not been one week where he has not kept contact either in person or by phone. They have now been together seven years she has wasted her youth waiting for him to end the marriage! He is not willing to draw up any formal papers, no separation agreement no lawyers. I live in the matrimonial home, he has not cancelled my benefits nor have we severed our finances.
Bottom line all she has and all she will have is a man that is a liar and a cheat! Choose wisely. Once a cheater always a cheater it’s in their blood!
To compromise yourself. And open emotionally and intimately and give Your energy and gifts. To a msn who is not open and clean in his emotional work is the biggest violation against the self . We talk about abuse. This is you. Violating you.
We must love and care for ourself. We must be the gift.
My husband of 30 yrs was caught cheating 13 yrs ago and I tried again. Now since Xmas he was texting and calling someone else from 5000 miles away and I caught him. I say it is emotional cheating too. What do I do now.
It is cheating. Plain and simple. I am really sorry that you have to go through this. If it helps to hear: I do know women who were married 25-35-40 years and divorced due to being cheated on, only to then meet (and marry) someone absolutely wonderful and caring and nourishing and trustworthy.
Walk away, stop being the other woman. You deserve better and need to respect yourself and their marriage. He is a liar and not trustworthy. Why would you want to be with someone who lacks so much integrity? Walk away now and don’t look back.
Tina how would you feel if you were the wife and once the other women found out about you she didn't step away from him. It hurts to be cheated on and i wouldnt want to do that to another person.
Please, leave him. He has no intention of leaving his wife. Even if he did, could you trust him? He would do the same to you sweetie. He lied to you at the beginning. Not good. My prayers are with you. You deserve to be treated like a queen.
You need to leave! Never hang your future on what he tells you knowing he has deliberately been lying to you to get you to a place where you would fall in love with him and would make it hard to walk out on him. If he had been up front about it you probably wouldn’t be with him. I was in that situation myself and when things didn’t add up I started asking a lot of questions. When he came clean it changed everything, my respect for him, questioning what this really was. He hated his wife, didn’t have a marriage but didn’t want to give up his house or life he had built! I told him I wasn’t his solution to his problems. It made me feel cheap, used and manipulated. He’s still trying to weasel his way back in. Have more self respect for yourself than for him and walk out that door!