How do I make him see I'm his one and only?

Ever noticed that the men who complain the most about drama in their relationships are the ones who bring it on themselves and project it onto you?

This fits Cami's story perfectly. Read on as she shares her story, looking for some advice on what to do.

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been together just over 2 years. We have had a little on and off again stuff. We are from the same small community and so his ex wife and I are familiar with each other (she was my teenage son and daughter’s 4th grade teacher and I played softball with her in the summers growing up).

On our first date, she sent him 75 text messages and begged him to go out with anybody but me! She called an ex of mine and told him I cheated on him with my boyfriend (totally made up - I hadn’t even seen him yet) just to start trouble and that guy came to my home causing all kinds of drama with my kids home.

Him and I each have 3 children. His 3 are with her.

I have to 2 with my ex husband of 14 years and then a toddler with an ex boyfriend that is no longer in our lives. We haven’t seen or heard from him in 2 and a 1/2 years.

My boyfriend and I called it quits after a few months of dating because he lied to me about his ex. Just hiding when they had talked and that she was messaging him in the middle of the night etc.

Because of the drama I understand(ish) why he did? We got past that.

Then last year (he is bipolar) he had an episode. This was his first since we were together. He broke up with me. He said he no longer had feelings for me. He told me he didn’t want to raise my youngest (although a year before that he talked of adopting him).

It was very hurtful. He just all of a sudden didn’t want to spend anytime with me. His bipolar caused him to be apathetic. It was so very hurtful. I remained friends with him because he desperately needed it.

It killed me. But his mental health, I was so worried.

For 4 months we saw each other and talked and I dated. Over time his feelings came back and we started our relationship again. He says he doesn’t remember some of what he said. He also said he still wasn’t sure what the future held for us.

So, I kept my options open and I told him that unless he told me different I would think it was that way. That I would never assume we had a future.

Several months later something is said and he acts like I am crazy for not knowing we have a future. I reminded him of the conversation and he said he just thought because of the way everything had been going, I knew he definitely thought we had a future. I was very happy. That was 6 months ago.

Nothing else has been said. We both have our older kids on Tuesday and Wednesday so we spend those days with our kids. I also have mine on Thursdays. He comes over for dinner every Thursday evening and goes home around 9. He has his on Saturday night and it’s just me and the toddler at my house....not one time has he asked me to have dinner with them or do anything with them.

He goes to my kids’ sporting events, my family dinners etc. I don’t go to his. He didn’t tell me about his sons first communion at all until the morning of and he definitely didn’t invite me. I don’t think his ex wants me around his kids and he listens to her.

This is really dumb of me but there is actually a court order that says he can’t be around mine because of my ex husband fighting for custody. He hacked into my iCloud and got some inappropriate messages between my boyfriend and I (my ex was tipped off by guess who? His ex wife.)

I actually didn’t get to see the children that I raised and solely supported for 3 years, I didn’t get to see them for 4 months because of the crap she started.

But so much time as gone on and the things in those messages are behind us and my ex is reasonable now so it’s not an issue but if he wanted to be like that again, it could be bad for custody.

They are 16 and 14 now so there isn’t much telling them where they can and can’t stay. But still, it’s the point.

I said something bad about her the other day and he defended her. She has caused me hell. She flipped my world upside down for a minute!

All because she is jealous. I try not to join her game and I try to remain classy but I swear it’s hard. Regardless, I put it aside for the sake of my relationship.

He never mentions moving in together, getting married.... anything. It’s like he wants to tell me we have a future so I don’t keep my options open but I just don’t think he truly wants that with me.

I don’t want to pressure him. That’s kinda what caused his mental break the first time.

My husbands divorce was set to be finalized and he thought he would need to marry me. I never mentioned it! He put that pressure on himself. He pulled back and I did not follow your advice and I flipped. He went into mania then depression and we survived.

I feel like I put a lot into this relationship. I feel like if I didn’t, there would be nothing put into it.

I don’t know how to reverse it. How to either make him see I am his one and only or to excuse him from my life so I can find my happily ever after.

-Cami

My Response:

This, Cami. "I feel like I put a lot into this relationship. I feel like if I didn't, there would be nothing put into it."

This tells you everything you need to do.

Take a break. Stop putting anything into this. If he asks why, tell him exactly what you just told me. Calmly, matter-of-factly. Without blame, shame, pressure, anything. Just matter-of-fact. The way it is.

"I feel like I put a lot into this relationship. I feel like if I didn't, there would be nothing put into it."

If he doesn't ask or doesn't notice anything different, don't say anything. Just stop putting anything into it.

His escape valve is when he feels pressure. You don't even have to do or say anything or he feels pressure.

This is typical for men like this, and not because I like overgeneralizing these men, but because I see this all the time. It's the prime characteristic of these sensitive men who don't understand that's exactly what they are!

They feel everything even as they pretend they don't. Just the feeling that you want more than what the two of you have right now - without you saying anything directly about it! - is enough for him to feel that pressure that causes him to have a mental health episode.

And for you, that keeps you from ever having a real conversation about your relationship.

He can't handle anything from you that feels like you might have needs yourself, so the very conversations that need to happen can't. He can't stomach them and in turn, neither can you.

As you said, his response kills you.

You worry about his mental health. That's why nothing changes and nothing ever will unless the two of you can actually have a reality based, mature conversation without it devolving into him feeling pressure and responding with his learned defense mechanisms and you responding in your own learned ways to him.

It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself until someone does something different. You may not be able to make him be the one to change this, but you can change him (and this cycle!) by changing how you respond to him.

I hope this helps!

Love,

Jane

What do you think Cami should do? Tell her in the comments.