There are letters that I can't shake, that I want to reach through the Internet and wrap my arms around these precious souls that have given so much of themselves to someone so incapable of giving them anything back in return. Lis's was one of those and I share her letter here with you so she can feel the love and support of this community of women who've been through something like this, too.
Her story:
We were in a relationship for 9 months.
He knew my life intimately as we had always spoken openly. We were best friends, he was thoughtful considerate and kind and gradually over months I started to trust.
He made promises I never asked him to make and it was me pulling back making sure we were making the right decisions I felt safe. And I really did let him into my world.
So when he talked about buying a house for us our home it felt right, I put money in to make up the sale, we bought furniture together and our open communications continued.
Early on in our relationship, when we were friends, I told him about me going for IVF treatment as a single woman. I was shocked at how open he was how he said he always wanted children and despite me giving him the get out card on several occasions, saying I know this is big it’s ok if you don’t want it. He pushed and said all the right things without prompt, I lost the baby in November.
I think I lost him before then.
With hindsight he chose his friend in the pandemic to see that meant he couldn’t attend our appointment, but he seemed to step up like he hadn’t realised.
When I was pregnant, he pulled out of the house without consultation. I was more hurt he hadn’t spoke to me then he changed his mind and went ahead with the sale the stress was so overwhelming at a time I was pregnant.
We settled made plans in the house, then he’d shout and snap like the time he broke a mug and blamed me or lost keys that was my fault but we carried I had Christmas together he bought me thoughtful kind things that talked of all our future together.
Then 26/12 he switched. He became cold told me he felt suffocated he didn’t want me living in his house didn’t want a baby and wasn’t sure he wanted me he said he wanted space I gave that to him.
He sent me photos of himself living the best life and two weeks later admitted he really enjoyed times with his friends.
He told me he didn't know what he wanted. twisted the knife several times about baby’s on every level, to holding off treatment and selling his house, he put up all his pictures moved in his furniture but said he didn’t have the money to give me. He said he would sell the house in a year.
He laughed at me when I said he had taken everything all my savings, my home, my future a life I thought we were building.
He blamed it all on me wanting a child how a week after my miscarriage he was disappointed in me for not going to his brothers for his nephews 2nd birthday and he hated me for that. He said I had distracted him from his plans of buying houses, he no longer wanted a home and wanted to buy a bar in Austria skiing eventually (he’s nearly 39).
He said he had made peace with not having a child. I said I didn’t know whether I could have one so was he going to throw all that away.
He said nothing.
He shows not understanding takes not responsibility or cares about what he has done.
I am living in a spare room those were my only savings I am in a room piled to the ceiling with boxes and feeling trapped in an area if I go out I could see him as he moved to my childhood home area.
I feel used, I supported him unconditionally through some really tough events and for me to lose the home I put love and investment into I feel bereft and I feel so distraught and angry that I am questioning being alive. I miss all the things we did together. The walls, the house and now going for a walk is lonely and so grief stricken I have collapsed on them as I can’t seem to function.
I’m sorry it is long I know you don’t answer things personally I’m really sorry for writing this but I needed someone to reach out to, I don’t have anyone else and I don’t see I have a future to contemplate living.
-Lis
My Response:
My heart breaks for you, Lis. Please don't ever apologize for reaching out.
What you've been through, what you've done in the name of love, for what you believed was going to be different with this man. This man who laughed at you deserves nothing of the kindness and love you've shown him.
You've lost so much and yet, you're still here, still you, still the beautiful soul you've always been. Neither he, nor these circumstances, get to take any of that away from you.
You are strong. You are courageous.
You have a will to do more than merely survive, but to live and have every bit of the love and happiness and life that is your birthright!
I wish I could make everything better, wave a magic wand and go back in time and walk through this with you, to save you from so much of your grief.
Lis, this guy make have taken everything from you, but he can't take your essence, the heart of you. That's all you. No one can take that from you.
No circumstance. No situation. No power outside of you.
Where do you go from here? How do you live? How does anyone live when they have been to the hell and back that you've been through here for this man!
By meeting yourself here, today, right where you are. By choosing to find the will to begin again, even if this isn't where you ever wanted to be. By choosing not to let him or anyone else have this much control over you and your life no matter what they may have done to you or caused you to believe about them that you gave so much of your life to them.
We're here for you, Lis.
The collective of every woman who's ever given everything she had for a man, every one of us who's ever so believed every word some mere mortal man said, every promise he ever made, to the detriment of every part of ourselves.
Feel that power, that energy, that love, encircling you, embracing you, holding you up in love.
He can't have you, he can't have your life, he can't have your will to love unless you allow him to. That's your power, your light, your you.
Put one foot in front of the other, do only the very next thing you have to do, and don't try to be anything more than you are right now. Find the love and support in even a few kindred souls who can be there for you to lean on right now.
This isn't how your story ends, no matter how much it feels like it will.
Sending you so much love, Lis. I'll be holding you in my heart and thinking of you.
Love,
Jane
I know you've got something to say to heartbroken Lis today. Tell her in the comments.
The grief of losing your baby must be very raw Lis and I hope that you are being kind to yourself. Don't ever underestimate the gravity of that loss, and although it's compounded by what your ex has done, try not to let his actions overshadow the healing process you're going through now following the loss of your pregnancy.
From reading the comments and from my own experiences and that of friends we have all felt the 'loss' of someone we trusted completely and immeasurably, and wondered how they could do what they did....or why they did it...or could we have done anything differently so the outcome would have been different. And I would say to you Lis that you did everything right. Everything. The real measure of a person, a man, is how they treat you in your darkest hour - and this man is not worthy of you. You deserve to be cherished, even in the tough and ugly times that relationships often have. The actions of this man have shown you who he is and what he is capable of. Some may try to explain his confusion or 'not being sure', but there are ways and means of conducting yourself if things go wrong, that don't extend to the level of disrespect you've encountered here. You deserve a man who will be careful and gentle with you, not one like this.
You will have a life beyond this, trust the rest of us who tell you this after suffering terrible losses ourselves. There is a life ahead of you that will seem unimaginable now, but you will have it and this will have been one of those experiences that shaped you but didn't define you. This man has nothing you need, nothing. You deserve the world.
Hi Lis, your letter struck a chord within me. Our stories are very different but I too was left with nothing. I had to leave an abusive marriage with what I could fit into the back of a pickup and 100 in my pocket. After 3 years a lot of tears, a lot of counseling, I'm on my own. It does get easier with time and it does get better. You will become a success story as I did. I wish that I could give you a hug.
Absolutely there are better days ahead of you and a love out there that is praying for you to be his. Hope is a precious and beautiful gift, take it and believe the best is yet to come. Jesus bless you beautiful soul.
Lis- this is truly heartbreaking and I would want you to know that you're not alone, that your life is worth living and that you have love and a community surrounding you.
I wish I had words to take away your pain but my heart and love is with you.
Put your trust in God, talk to God pray and talk give him thanks every day.
God loves us all unconditionally and will guide you and direct your path.
Lis, I read your story and I am crying with you. I know it hurts, I have been there . Too many of us have had this experience and its painful. My heart goes out for and to you. I am praying for you and I need you to know that you are not alone.
This is such a difficult traumatic experience for you to go through and you are also mourning a child. I have been there. I had to be brave enough to reach out for help much like you are doing now. Through adversity, you have shown that you are so brave. You have done the right thing by reaching out.
Keep going, one minute at a time. Please don't give up, refuse to let him win.
You don't need to know how happy his life is or how amazing he is without you, it will only make things worse for you. Speak to a therapist or a counsellor. You can do this, I am proud of you already.
Sorry, I meant for my message to go to Lis. I was so moved by her story, that I just hit reply ... and all the names of the women listed get confusing in my brain. But it’s to Lis.
So much given. It will all be returned to you in many different ways. Keep your chin up and press on. PUSH
P- Pray
U- Until
S- Something
H- Happens
My story Lisa is almost parallel to yours (without the pregnancy) . I was 56 years old & invested almost 2 years of my life, money, self to a man. He threw me out twice during a time where my own home was seasonally rented (Jan-March). The first time in late March, I lived 2 weeks in my young sons college apartment still able to work (as always for 5 years) in the home, but on his kitchen table. The second time he threw me out, I had to find housing for 2-1/2 months. Fortunately, my sister's friend had a room/bathroom to rent, 14 miles from my parents home. I had no self esteem left & I too was extremely depressed as I had already failed in 2 marriages. AlI I can say is that Jane's online program "Getting to True Love," & this body/community of women got me through the ordeal. The title of Jane's program may cause you to think it's about finding another man; to the contrary it's about finding & loving yourself! Do it! It will distract you from your current situation & take you into a totally new world. Hang in there Lis, better days are coming! (And stay away from him, he's already made it very clear. He doesn't get to change his mind and worm his way back into your life! Best of Luck.
I too, am 56. The story you just related is eerily familiar to what happened to me on Thanksgiving Day 2020.. The word discard is too weak to accurately describe the pain if the emotional whiplash caused by being involved with such a person. Enough about me. Thank you for pointing out that Jane's program is about learning to love yourself truly. Better days are coming. You are courageous, inspirational and generous. Thank you.
Lis....I was where you are now. Except I devoted 25 years to him. I thought, we'd make a life together, grow old together, build together. But same as you, his friends and whatever else were more important, than I was or his 2 children.
As time went on, I began to realize he was just using me and my children for financial and his emotional needs.
I know it's hard right now, but I promise you it will get better. I had to harden my heart with him and just tell him I can't help you financially. Which he periodically texts me and asks for things. I keep telling him NO.
It's much easier as time goes on, and you reflect on things. You'll be able to spot the times he kept you on a string, playing on your emotions. He might still be playing on your emotions now.
All I can say, is he has shown you his true side and do you want to be played like a yoyo? I think you need to look at this as a learning experience and move on. Don't look back. You are a strong, brave woman. You're looking at hardships now, but you will climb out and up. You will rise again. This is just a setback. We've all had them. Look straight ahead, where you want to be, what you want to accomplish. Focus on those things and step by step you'll get there. I Promise you the sun will rise again and put light on your beautiful face.
I am so sorry the hear your story. You are a beautiful soul. You will come through this stronger and happier. Sending you a virtual sister hug 🙂
Dear Lis:
All my good energy goes for you and embrace. I only can tell you that I am working with a program called NARP (narcissistic abuse recovery program). I never had a real relationship with such men I felt in love ( I thought I would die in a way if I had gone further) so I used to be alone. Anyway my friendship (first love 17 - 25) was only one year it still come back from time to time to hook me and as I was confused and thought he was the love of my life. I supposed that if he came back was because he loved me. Well, now I am 44 and finally understood that no. The depression and heartbreak were not real love. But it took me decades! of repeating the same old story. Now I am doing a second only course THE EMPOWERED SELF COURSE of the same person called Melanie Tonia Evans. I think this is helping me change my inner belief system sooooo difficult to change. Though I still did not see the external changes I wanted to see (results) that is a healthy relationship with a man I am in love with, decided to love myself all the way, the best I can. This courses and blog as well as Jane help me get clear what this all means. I really hope this can help! Lots of love, Erica.
Bless you, things will get better, feet forward, see a lawyer about your home don't loose it.
Morning Mantra
I am strong
I am beautiful
I am powerful
I can do this
Protection Mantra
Narasimha Tava daso hum
Sending positive and loving thoughts
This was my marriage and discarded four months ago so he could find a new woman. I saved his life twice, worked two jobs when he didn’t or wouldn’t work, and he left after getting in a car accident and is getting a settlement. It’s sickening how callous a person can be. I’m sending you hugs! We can get through this! You are not alone in your feelings...I’ve been in a really dark place for several weeks but it is finally starting to lift.
You are courageous. You are not alone. Reach out to those who understand that you’re genuinely beautiful in all the ways that truly matter.
You're in my heart and prayers
Jen - I’m so sorry you went through this. I know what it feels like to be charmed, seduced, made to question your reality & everyone & everything you care about, just to have them leave. This has just happened to me, too. It was only 5 days ago I truly saw what was happening. I won’t go into the brutal emotional & physical details of what happened to me, but it was a classic case of narcissist vs codependent/empath. But there must be a range of experiences out there ... because everyone has a little of both in them ... that’s just how we’re biologically made. But they are predators if they’re a narcissist (like mine was, IS) or they’re just really emotionally immature, therefore, emotionally unavailable (like I’ve experienced before too). Unfortunately, we played our roles. We gave them what they wanted b/c we so wanted to be cared for & loved and we wanted to care & love someone. These people either only want wants in it for them, and will even bask in the pain their actually causing the other, or are just not truly ready to be in a healthy adult romantic relationship. And our own issues often can and will cause us to do, say, & put up with crap that we should NEVER put up with. I don’t deserve that, you don’t deserve that, and every other msn, woman & child who’s been on the receiving end should never have to go through. It hurts. It’s painful. It’s embarrassing. We can lose our identity, friends, family, job, money, dreams, ambition, health, & self-respect/dignity ... you name it. But there is hope. And maybe Jane’s program can help you. But there are other resources and help out there, too. Find and use what you need so you can heal and live a full, whole, healthy life (and yes, even have a healthy romantic relationship). I’m doing this. I’m going to fight for me. I hope you fight for you because you, like me, deserve it. I wish you the very best.
Oops, this was meant for Lis. I addressed the wrong name. Reacting too quickly & getting confused seeing everyone’s names. Plus new to responding to things like this.