Ever dated - or thought about dating - a younger man? I often get asked about the "appropriateness" of dating younger men. This week's letter comes from Mariah and that's exactly what she's asking about here.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane
I recently went on a date with a guy 10 years younger than me. I'm 42 and he is 32. He was very attentive, we had a good time but the age gap keeps bothering me.
I spoke to him after our date as he said he is keen to see me again. I asked him how he felt about the age gap. He said it isn't an issue for him. He has dated a woman 5 years his senior before. He asked how I felt, and I said that I'm not sure. Let's see how we go.
He agreed.
I haven't heard from him for a few days. I wonder if I've said the right thing. He said he was keen on me but I'm not so sure now.
My response:
Hi Maria,
You've asked a great question so thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer it in this forum for the benefit of other women as well! Before you wonder any more if you've said the right thing when you told him you weren't sure how you felt about the age gap, I want to assure you that you did.
You said what was true for you at the time.
Whether his non-responsiveness has changed how you feel now and you wish you had said something different, or more positive, or whatever it is you think would have been the better answer, the fact is how you felt when he asked you was that you weren't sure, and you expressed exactly that.
The reality is that answer may not have been enough of a green light for him to feel that it was worth the effort to go out with you again. If that's the case, that's his response reflects where he is, regardless of what you meant or where you are now. If you feel the need to clarify what you said because you're afraid he misread your response, that's always an option.
But before we go there, there are some things you'll want to clarify first within yourself.
The relationship you have with someone regardless of age, is the relationship the two people involved negotiate. Meaning, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your age difference, or what anyone else does or how common or uncommon it is in people around you; it only matters how it relates to the two of you.
Barring any power issues inherent to relationships where an older man tries to control a more vulnerable woman (which we've seen before), the only point of concern in your case is whether he's not looking for something as serious as you are.
At 32, he may be on a different page than you are at 42. However, my caveat to any stereotypical assumptions is that they are just that; stereotypes.
I have known 32 year old men who are more mature and more emotionally available than many 40 and 50 year old men.
Haven't we all?!
The point is that what matters here is this particular guy and where he's at, what he's looking for, and whether your values and goals and expectations are aligned. These aren't things you can necessarily tell after only one date. It's over the course of time and more dates getting to know each other that you find this out.
My advice for you before you decide anything about what you want to do now since you haven't heard from this guy, is to take a really good look at why you're not sure about the age gap between the two of you, with him being 10 years younger than you in particular.
Is it because of the stereotypes? Is it because of what other people will think based on their own presumptions and the stereotypes they hold?
Or is it because you just can't get your head around the age difference - regardless of the reasons why you feel this way - and you can see that this isn't likely to change the more you get to know someone?
Figuring out where you stand here with some clarity - and the reasons why you hold that stance, is going to help you figure out where you go from here.
If you're curious to know what might be possible with him, and you're regretting your response enough, there's nothing at all wrong with reaching out to him with a simple word that you realize you might have put him off by your response that you're "not sure" how you feel about the age gap, and you've thought more about it and realize he's someone you'd like to get to know better regardless of your ages, because you really enjoyed that first date.
But only do that if that's actually where you've gotten to.
If you're still not sure, and know that you're not sure enough to want to get to know him better because of the age gap and what you're feeling is more about the disappointment that you haven't heard from him or that you might have put him off, then actually being about him, then I would leave it alone.
At the end of the day, you're still doing the choosing, Maria. And you have every right to figure out what YOU want regardless of our culture's norms or what anyone around you says you should or shouldn't want.
Just make sure you have your own eyes open wide enough to see who someone is and who they're showing themselves to be!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane.
What about you? Do you have any advice around dating a younger man? Share your thoughts with Maria in the comments below!
Hi I was dating a younger man however he never asked my age which was 20 yrs difference ? He has disappeared after saying CUSoon ? I am new at this on line dating and used to be a matchmaker and was a channel people met through and matched 4 or 5 couples a week and there were very few older men then now I get literally hundreds from all over the world and they seem to want to message ? So many lonely people out there living in their own space and being Me Me Me instead of We we we
Maria, I went out with a man 12 years my junior. Unfortunately I was told things to get me in when ultimately he had no real intention of a long term future..it broke my heart but looking back all the signs were there..no introduction to any of his friends, work mates or family...u could reach out but go in with eyes wide open
I agree age difference is more something for the two individuals to decide.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to date someone that much younger because I want someone who is more within my generation so we share some common experiences. Plus, I know my “issues/insecurities,” and in the future, a 10 year age difference would cause me some extra distress. There also the issue of children. At age 32, how long might a guy think he wants to wait until marriage? Perhaps not long or perhaps he doesn’t want children so it is a nonissue or ... perhaps, without even realizing it, he isn’t thinking about this relationship in terms of its potential long term success.
When it comes to age, younger or older, I also think ahead to different life stages including retirement. Will we (and our friends /peers) want or need the same type of life at the same time? Of course, different personalities could end up having the same effect. Another reason, why often age is just one of many factors for the two people themselves to consider.
But there are three more things I want to add: perhaps let this particular guy go because
(1) there are actually so many other and more “typical guy” reasons why you haven’t heard from him versus it boiling down to you saying that you are not sure about the age. He might have gone silent no matter what you said.
(2) there a chance your comment made him think harder on his nonissue with age. Perhaps he then started to think ahead and decided he rather not open the door to dating someone 10 years older. Perhaps age (or rather different expectations/potential future issues due to age) was a factor in why the last relationship didn’t work out and he is only just now realizing that.
Of course, we don’t know. But his silence is telling and leads us to the fact that most of the time a comment like that wouldn’t result in silence.
And
(3) What if your positions were reversed? Under what conditions would you want him to say he changed his mind about the comment (that he not sure about the age difference)? Of course, it is a different story if (still assuming your positions are reversed here) he had truly thought hard on this and decided age isn’t an issue period or you seem to be a special circumstance and so his general rule re age doesn’t apply.
Anything less than that, well, it is a risk then, isn’t it? It means going in knowing there already is an “extra” issue that can’t be changed and one that might eliminate any long term potential (but after we are emotionally involved). Plus, it doesn’t help that doubts about a relationship’s potential future /longterm success are often a jumble of many reasons they/we can’t quite articulate and the one we mention is usually the easier/visible/conscious one to give as a reason, but isn’t the only reason. Sometimes we girls don’t want to take the risk (or, rather, wish we had received such an honest comment in the beginning so we could have made the choice not to take the risk), perhaps this time he didn’t.
I hope I did not come across as too harsh here. Bottom line: Your comment was fine (!!!!!) and most guys would have continued to pursue you while you made up your mind. The fact he didn’t seems to indicate perhaps he just isn’t the right guy.
I honestly believe that there are many younger men in this modern day and age who find women much older than themselves the type of woman that they long to share a lifetime with. Especially if their frame of mind is too advanced to be with a woman closer to his own age. Men who are much more mature than their male peers would be more satisfied with an older attractive women rather than a younger one who hasn't as much experience in life behind her belt. He doesn't have to deal with the younger headaches and drauma issues of the younger females closer to his age etc. And no, younger men don't date older women just to get better lessons in bedroom skills. Most men want love more than just sex.