Be a good little girl.
Be nice.
Mind your manners.
Take turns.
Share.
Put others first.
Don’t rock the boat.
Smile nicely.
Be polite.
You learned them all so well. Too well, I'll bet.
These weren’t just words to you. They defined you. You became such a good little girl, so cooperative, so nice to have around. So responsible, so predictable. So nice.
You learned that to embody these qualities, to make them your own, was to be loved. And to be loved was all that you wanted.
The more you embraced these qualities, the more smoothly everything went. The more you were loved by the people that mattered. The more they came to expect nothing less from you. The more ingrained their image of you became.
It’s why you can’t change things up on them now.
What will they say? What will they think? What will they do? You can’t take that chance.
Oh, you’ve tried. Just a little test to see what would happen.
Maybe you disagreed with something you used to agree on when you changed your position. Or you said no instead of the usual yes. You spoke your own truth instead of going along like you always did with what they wanted you to believe.
No, they didn’t like it. They didn’t know what to make of it. They didn’t know what to make of you.
Whether it was the disappointment or the withdrawal of some level of love, you felt it. I can’t do that again. That was what you learned. And like everything else, you learned it well.
And so you didn’t.
I’ve learned a lot about boundaries over the years. First, I learned that I was allowed to have them at all. And then when I went about trying to create them, I learned it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my life.
To create boundaries where there were none before.
The hardest part was navigating where I ended, and someone else began.
Draw a line around you, they say.
But what if you don’t feel like you even have a right to have a line? What if you feel so uncomfortable to even say the word “no”, let alone to disagree with what you’ve always agreed to? And how do you change what’s become so ingrained as the way you are, the way they see you, the way you’ve always been with them?
No one ever tells you that you have a right to have boundaries in the first place. No one tells you that you need them. Or that you have to know what they are before you can use them.
No one tells you how hard it is to communicate directly, to say what you actually want to say, instead of deferring to what you’ve always said before.
No one tells you how wrong you feel, how selfish, how uncomfortable you’re going to feel to know that you’re disappointing someone or letting someone else down.
They don’t tell you what to do with these feelings, or where to go with them. They don’t say anything about boundaries at all.
Until you do.
You feel it before you say the word. Something doesn’t feel right anymore. This going along with what everyone else expects you to go along with, this fitting into someone else’s mold.
Suddenly, you find yourself feeling sad, helpless, hopeless, and maybe even mad for the first time in your life. You’ve got something else you want to say; another side of you to reveal.
But how, you wonder?
He’ll stop loving me. He’ll leave me. He won’t want me. And then I’ll only have myself to blame.
I shouldn’t have stood up. I shouldn’t have spoken my truth. I shouldn’t have rocked the boat.
And then the dreaded "shoulda, coulda, woulda" internal dialogue begins.
Yes, Beautiful. You needed to. It’s been a long time coming.
This going along with everyone else and what they want you to be. This being who they think you are. You grew up along the way. You found your own voice somewhere inside you. Except you never learned that its expression was OK.
No one ever tells you that the key to breaking free of the past starts by setting boundaries. Or that you have to first get to know yourself before you can set them at all. Who are you? What can you actually live with – and what is you just putting up with what you’ve always been expected to?
No one ever tells you that a healthy loving relationship has as its foundation two separate people who know where each of them ends and the other begins.
No one ever tells you how uncomfortable, how completely out of your comfort zone it’s going to be for you to learn a new language that includes the “I” statements you’ve never learned. “I feel”. “I need”. “I want”. “I hear”. “I know”. “I am”. “I’m not”.
The list goes on and on. Such simple words. Such foreign words. You mean I have a voice?
These are owning words. Words that tell the world about the real you but carry risk because yes, they do define you. This is the very thing you fear. Being known for who you are and not what someone else wants you to be.
Will they still love you? Will they still want you? Will they still accept you if you speak your own mind? If you live by your own truth? If you follow your own set of rules?
Oh Beautiful, the ones you want will. The rest never matter in the end.
This is how you find a love like no other, a love that’s meant for you and only you. You can’t find that kind of love without first knowing yourself, without being that self, without showing up with that true self.
Let them do what they choose to do with you!
Let them stay, let them go. Five, ten, twenty years down the road from now, what will matter is that you showed up. That you knew who you are and what you’re all about. How else can anyone find you if you can’t find yourself?
What about you? The subject of boundaries underlies so many of the problems we face. I’d love to hear how this topic relates personally to you - tell us in the comments!
Your courage to write about sensitive subject matters that effect so many of us, is far more important than you probably know. You are saving lives and restoring sanity. I can't thank you enough.
You're so very welcome, Lynette. And I thank you for your beautiful words. What a beautiful, sensitive soul you are to recognize the depth behind the message. I'm so honored that you found your way here!
I'm wondering how to assert boundaries...change them when you've been in a relationship (on-again, off-again) for three years. We've been in an exclusive uncommitted relationship and he has told me he loves me many times during our first 2 years together. We broke up a few times, but the last break up was the worst. I broke up with him because he was insecure and jealous. We'd worked through issues and it just kept coming up. I didn't see any other option, do I broke up with him. We got back together4.5 months later and have been together for over a year this time with no breakups.
We've been moving slowly during this time and I was under the assumption that he still loved me but was afraid to say it. I know that he's afraid of being hurt again. He has admitted to me that he has a wall up between us. I already knew it because I can feel that wall very definitely. He treats me well and is so good to me, but I feel him holding back the most intimate part of himself. I've tried to be patient. I thought with time he would relax and let his guard down.
About 2 weeks ago we were having a petty argument and it came up. He told me he doesn't love me but he cares about me. He said he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to let me in his heart again. He said he thinks about it all the time, whether he loves me or not.
During our first 2 years together, the sex was amazing! We didn't sleep together until we'd been together about a month. After I realized I loved him too, we had the most glorious time together! Since we've been back together this past year, moving slowly, we still made love, but far less frequently and for much shorter time periods. Now that he's admitted he doesn't love me and doesn't know if he'll ever be able to let me in his heart, I don't know how to handle setting my boundaries with him. I don't want to go on as before, hoping he'll change and love me again.
He's been away on business for 2 weeks and has another week to go. This time apart has been perfect timing for me. He's called and texted several times each day. He's coming home in a week and I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to say to him. I want a loving relationship and if that's not what he wants I can't stay. I can't make love to him if he doesn't love me. Pretty much verything else is fine except that we don't have that close, intimate, loving relationship.
How can I say this in a positive, assertive way?
Reading this brought tears to my eyes because I see myself so clearly as not having the boundaries I need to have. I've been in a relationship for three (3) years wherein we truly do love each other; however he is unwilling to commit. I recently moved out because he's 'never been alone' and wants to do the necessary work to find out who he really is and what he really wants for his life. The trouble is....after a few days, he's texting me...reaching out to me...wanting to see me, be with me, etc...
I try to be strong and keep the boundary of "I thought you wanted to be alone - I'm honoring your request"...that lasted for three (3) weeks and then I gave in....because I truly do love him, miss him and want to be with him - I want to spend the rest of my life with him and grow old together!
I feel like I need to set FIRM boundaries and NOT interact with him at all - (A) Because I want the whole thing - a real, committed relationship - not a part-time, because he's lonely and fearful of losing me kind of thing; and (B) He's not going to be able to see what he's letting slip away if he's able to have interaction with me.
How do I set my boundaries and BE STRONG - knowing that I am the prize - a gift to be loved and cherished?? I am the complete package!!
Oh Kathy, I so hear what you're saying here. The truth is, you've got the answers already within yourself. You're saying them out loud here. You know them. You just have to decide whether you actually want to stick to your boundaries, or accept what you have with him. It's when we fight ourselves, when we go back and forth within ourselves, that we can no longer see ourselves as that gift to be loved and cherished. Until we settle this first within ourselves, there can be no peace within.
I found boundaries difficult because of poor role-modelling and also expectations of how women should be and the consequences if they were not the "good girl" Please offer your opinion on what makes a Man a Player.
Boundaries are the greatest lesson I have started to learn in my 30s. I didn't know what a boundary was until I hit rock bottom dating a series of love avoidant men, leaving myself sick of being partnered but unhappy.
Now, I am practicing boundaries in all relationships in my life -- not just romantic, which can be a very challenging place to start. I implemented boundaries with friends, telling them the truth about my feelings, needs, and desires instead of my seemingly innate bend toward people pleasing (stemming from a fear of rejection and abandonment). I started taking a stand for myself with close friends where I felt like our relationship was so strong that they would understand and love me no matter what. I also had great practice ground with acquaintances who were low value relationships where if they did balk at my needs I'd be doing myself a favor by cutting them out of my life. For example, "Saturday I cannot join your birthday dinner because I'm taking a much needed self care day after 20 straight days of work. May I take you out one on one next week to your [favorite art gallery/restaurant/nail salon etc] ." Or, one that almost broke me, "I'm no longer able to foster Vixie the adorable calico kitty and I'll need to give her back to you by this weekend."
Each time I said what I needed to feel safe, comfortable, and happy has led me piece by piece to identify more of what makes me feel full and whole--authentic and confident. I am DOING a whole lot less these days and am BEING a whole lot more of who I want. I have a lot more flexibility and freedom instead of feeling obligated to a world of commitments that were bringing me anxiety instead of pressure.
Setting boundaries has helped me in romantic relationships stand up for myself when red flags were waving. Where before I would cower and hope the problems would disappear, or try harder to be the best girlfriend in the world, now I was asking myself what my partner was bringing to the table and if it was enough for me. Eventually I was able to leave a toxic situation because I started to listen to my intuition more (because, I was able to recognize what it was after all of this practice!).
Now, I'm considering dating but I have a relaxed approach and confidence that no matter what shows up, I'll be able to handle it because I'll be speaking from my truth--and not trying to impress someone by molding to THEIR needs. Like Jane has taught me in her other writing, I am the one in the driver's seat here choosing who my passengers in life are. I get to choose! And, using boundaries I'm able to make better choices.
I love, love your articles. They always make me feel so much better. Thank you for your amazing words! They help my heart!
Oh I'm so glad these are helping you, Beth. Thank you for your beautiful words - and for being here! 🙂
I am generally pretty good with boundaries these days in my relationships, romantic and otherwise. However what I struggle with is the response that I get from men when I set them. The past two men I was seeing both told me I was 'demanding'. This made me question myself as I thought I was just being clear on my boundaries and about what I needed and didn't want. I wonder whether it was something about the way I communicated them. I find it difficult to know what to do with this feedback because I don't know how much of it is about these men not being used to women expressing boundaries, and not liking it, and how much is me needing to improve on the way I do it. I wonder if anyone here has had any similar experiences as I would be interested to hear how you handled it! Thanks 🙂
Try using "I" statements to express yourself, Clairey. Often,when someone feels that we're "demanding", it's either because it's triggering something in them that has nothing to do with you, or it's because you're not entirely comfortable with how you're coming across and they're confused. Sometimes, I find myself falling into an all or nothing mode where I'm either way too passive or way too demanding and I have to find my own comfortable level again that reflects the true me with just the right balance. Practice, practice, practice! Practice feeling yourself being that beautiful, confident woman who has every right to speak up and set boundaries firmly, but gently, and try to add a little humor to the mix if you can. If you can get a feel for the picture you want to convey in your own mind, this may help, too!
Timely indeed. That girl is me to a t.
I've been struggling with this lately as I met someone I really like and then I started seeing myself avoiding things.... There are several things that are bugging me with this new guy, but I dread being direct since he's not my boyfriend. I feel as if I have no right to say anything. I definitely have problems with the boundaries thing and I fear that I won't find that guy I'm looking for until I change a billion things about myself.
I've found "I" statements to be so helpful in asserting myself without offending someone else. "I" statements allow you to gently own your part, your preferences, your wishes and desires without making someone else wrong or bad or anything else. It can take practice to get used to using them so that you're comfortable with them, but you will feel so much more empowered when you do!
"A healthy, loving relationship has as its foundation two separate people who know where each of them ends and the other begins." -- This is such a beautiful and true statement! True love can only work by being the true you. Why be someone else when being you is so great? Being someone else only attracts those men who are wrong for you and makes you miss the wonderful man who is actually FOR you.
People come and go in our lives. Every relationship eventually ends; even those happy, lifelong marriages end when a spouse dies. The only person in the whole world you'll have to be around and "put up with" everyday is you -- might as well make that person the coolest, most respected, most enjoyable, most interesting, most grateful person she can be according to your own standards and nobody else's 🙂
Beautifully said, Julie. Thanks for adding your own insight here. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you!
This piece about boundaries is very timely for me. And as much as I have thought about the boundaries that I have learned I should define, many questions, including many of the ones you spoke of in your message, remain. How exactly do I go about defining my boundaries? I really like how you discussed beginning to talk about the "I". It's a start! Hope you will go more into this subject in the future!
I will, Marguerite. 🙂 Thanks for the feedback on this subject. "I" statements are a great place to start, along with envisioning yourself being that confident woman who knows her worth, stating calmly and gently what she needs to say when she needs to say it. Most of this is simply the internal work of becoming aware of our right to have boundaries in the first place and what owning them feels like. When we have that internalized, we can then carry this off smoothly, owning our own, feeling our power without needing to knock anyone over with it. Comfortable, this is so much of where this practice comes in, comfortable in our own skin.
Definitely something I need to work on... I put up with a lot on my last relationship because I was afraid to set boundaries. My limits. I always thought I needed to be more patient, wait a little longer... and that if I set limits to soon he would say - I don't want it like that, I don't want to be with you. And I would feel it was my fault it ended. I would feel that I am too demanding, inflexible.
Didn't change the outcome much, because the relationship reached a level that I couldn't bare it anymore, and indeed it ended and for him it was my choice, my "fault".
He ignores that he drove me crazy with his demands - such as - "I want to be more important to you than your mother, I want to be more important than anyone in your life", "I don't want to share my time with you with anyone else". "I know that we are making plans to get married and have a family but I still feel you don't care for me as much as I would like"
It didn't matter what I did, at some point I gave up on saying how I felt, what I wanted... and he still wasn't happy. He said I didn't gave him the security he needed. He needed to see more. And I felt I gave him everything, I had nothing else to give...
When I decided I had enough, even though I love him very much, he said he didn't get it. He was going to respect my choice, but he didn't understand why I did that. I said I was getting sick, psychologically, emotionally sick... he said he didn't understand why, because all he did was to be "true", "honest," and "share" his feelings.
Well, I didn't stop him. I absorbed everything for 2 years until I my body gave me signs I needed to stop for myself, as he wasn't going to.
I can't help feeling I SHOULD have done things differently, I SHOULD have been stronger and told him from the beginning what was and what wasn't acceptable for me.
And I wish I was strong to know that if he decided to walk away it wouldn't be MY FAULT.
I wish...
That's exactly it, Ana, we know. We sense that saying anything, or even without saying anything but showing our sense of our boundaries by our actions will indeed end it. And yes, then we will only have ourselves to blame. That's what keeps most of us right where we are doing the same thing over and over again. Know who you are, hold your own, get clear on what you can live with and what you can't. This is where knowing what boundaries you want to set - and what you need to set for you to be true to yourself! - is the most important part about setting them. You can't set and stick to them if you don't first know what they are!
Hi jane.i told you last time of my predicament.this man who chased me.i have now backed of trying to distance myself .as I see him most weeks it's unavoidable.he is now sending me emails .After I told him by email that I would distance myself. I have had 2 in one week.wheres as before he said they were a chore.but now by guard is up.i smell a rat .He is Mr charm all right but not for me.
i've known this guy for 5 years n i balance FB convos. me this guy i like take it in turns in talking to each other. 1st my go and then his go n so on etc.
at the last gardening (31 jan 2016) i loved myself thinking he's not going to talk to me and my heart was out there saying if he wants to talk to u he will come to u. in the end he came to me n said hello to me n i was surprised. he gave me the prince charming treatment like making me a hot choc, talking to me looking me in the eye. i feel he really likes me.
i didn't want gardening to end but it had to so he gave me a free hug first then everyone else. i told him "we will keep in touch via FB" he said "We will" (softly) and said goodbye. it felt like it was the happiest day ever thinking what else could i ask for?
after that day i ask myself these Questions? What will happen next with me and him? and should i give him my number (is it the right time?)
i would like to keep in touch with him more like txting/email apart from FB so he can contact me when he's not on FB or says "i'm not coming to gardening coz of a family gathering" as a example. i see myself being with him n think i wish he was BF and could take me on a date. He sounds so perfect.
my boundaries are:
keeping a balance of the convos (even texting)
no neediness or obsession (as i learnt lessons from both of those)
i put myself first before him
leave each other alone (the more 1 leaves them alone the more they will come to u)
give space as others tell me over the years
i will never look back at the past
i don't know what to do with this guy when i see him at the next gardening which is this sunday. should i or shouldn't i give him my number as though i've known him for 5 years or should he ask for my number. i would like to go on a date with him and have 1 day where he can meet my family.
Hi Jane,
You always speak right into my heart. Am still struggling with the issue of boundaries, speaking my truth because am afraid someone will be angered by it I will hurt them.
Currently am in relationship where if I speak or question something that I am not comfortable with its always turned on me and the conclusion is always am the bad guy. So now I shell and carry things inside just to avoid all that...
So the issue your speaking of today,is a struggle for me Jane,and I think there's a lot of us out there. Thank you.
I'm so glad this spoke to you, Eva. I so hear and understand what you're saying here. We struggle until it becomes clear what the struggle is for and what we need to do about it. And then, the struggle becomes worth ending by figuring out what we need to do to end it and that becomes more important than anything he says or does or doesn't. Sit with the struggle, Eva, until it's clear to you why it's here. Then you'll know what it's time to do.