Our beautiful friend Olivia is wondering if she needs more patience, or if she just needs to move on. Read on for her story:
Dear Jane,
I'm 24 and have been dating my boyfriend, who is 25, for 2 years now.
When I first met him, he had never really dated or been in a long term relationship. His reasoning was that he just never had the interest or the time to invest. Our first year of dating we rushed into things, moved in together and found that it was quite different then we had assumed.
He's thoughtful, but it seems to be in all the wrong ways. He will tell me I'm beautiful a million times a day, yet refuses to acknowledge things like when I state that we should go out and do something romantic or exciting. I've always tried to lead by example; I've even just taken myself out on dates thinking that it may click.
He tells me that he doesn't understand what I want, I am being too needy. The biggest problem is lack of responsibility. A year ago, we had a very intense falling out which led to us moving out of our beautiful apartment. The falling out was a concoction of him not having a job, me getting too angry. It was more or less a severe lack of understanding and responsibility on both ends.
We both moved in with family and began to work on things. About 3 months of working on things and he started to come stay with me. It's been a year now, and we live with my parents. I am 24... I should not be living with my parents with my boyfriend of 2 years! Constantly I remind him that we are adults, we need to do something about this.
I once got as far as setting myself up with roommates and when I told him of this, he threatened to leave me because that was appropriate.
There always seems to be something, his car breaks down, he loses his job, he needs to pay debt and when the money issues go away it turns into, "Well you just get too angry about everything. I don't know if we should live together." But we do live together!
I am angry because I've patiently waited over a year, I've saved the money, I've looked around, I've found him new jobs and I've supported him in every aspect thus far in fear that will think I am not being sensitive enough. I love him. I love him with all of my heart, he loves me but he just can't grow up. He's sensitive, but I feel like he is taking advantage of me.
Do I need to have more patience? Do I need to move on?
I don't want these past 2 years of hard work to be for nothing. Staying and leaving both feel equally terrible.
My Response:
Dear Olivia,
I hear you. You love this guy, you just want things to be different! This is really difficult, because it sounds to me like he loves you, like he wants to be with you, too, but he's got these issues that are huge for him - and you. Have you heard of the term enabler? Because my first thought as I was reading your email, is that this guy has got it so good with you. You find him jobs, you save up money, you find a place for both of you, you take him in when things aren't working out for him, he's basically got it made with you.
He doesn't really have any reason to grow up, because other than you getting angry with him sometimes for not growing up and doing some of this work himself - which is completely understandable - he has got everything he could ever want with you. You are the perfect complement to him. Whatever he lacks, you make up for it.
You are more than patient, more than understanding, more than the perfect girlfriend to him. And yes, you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship and in him, so of course the thought of giving it up feels awful, and yet, the thought of living another two years like this is probably not what you have in mind either.
It really comes down to you. And what you can and can't live with. What a deal breaker is to you, and whether or not you're going to be ok continuing to live like this indefinitely if nothing changes on his end.
Because he doesn't have a whole lot of reason to change or motivation to do anything different when you keep taking care of things for him.
But on the other hand, if he knows how you feel, and you've communicated this with him, then he does know you're not happy living like this and you want to see some changes. The question is this: Is he capable of making the changes you want to see in him? Is he able to grow up and become more responsible, more of the man you want him to be?
Only you know what he's worth to you, what the relationship is worth to you the way it is, not the way you want it to be. So you have to decide what living like this with him versus not living like this without him is worth to you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can stop doing all the things you do for him to see if he picks up the slack and see what that looks like. You can keep showing him by your actions what you are and are not willing to put up with. And if you decide that you really can't do this while still living at your parents' house with him, then you can ask him to leave and just go back to dating him to see what that looks like and feels like to both of you.
Maybe he just wants someone to take care of him and the responsibilities of life - if that's really what he's looking for, can you live with that? Sometimes love looks different than how we pictured it. Only you know what you can and can't live with.
But whatever you decide, Oliva, know that if this relationship is meant to be, it will be. But only if both of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do what it takes to make this work.
I hope this gives you some things to think about. It's tough when you love someone and yet there's a big "but" that goes with those words. You do know deep in your heart what the answer is here, and sometimes, the answers come simply by focusing back on you and your life and letting him fade into the distance so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much. Sometimes, we just need to keep living our own life and doing the things that make us happy, and the answers come to us when we least expect it.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other ideas, advice or encouragement for Olivia? Tell us in the comments!
I would just say this relationship is unhealthy. The guy wants to be with her, yes, and is sort of committed to her, but for all the wrong reasons. He is not committed to her to help her and take care of her and solve her problems and have family and kids with her, but he is committed to her vecause she is the one solving his problems and taking care of him as if he were her child. Why is this guy like this? Is he jyst out of luck or has some bad circumstances in life that make him rely on a woman, and not let a woman rely on him, or is he just plain lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated to do better? She is supposed to have some clues. If it is just temporary bad luck due to his young age and tough job markets, then she ahould understand and be supportive. BUt if he in general has usery attitute towards people, then it should be a good buy. She can live with a man like that for as ling as she feels string, but she never can be a woman, rely on him, or him or have a family with him.really
RUN........... don't walk or ponder. Yes, I understand you have these deep feelings, but it sounds like you are in love with "love". He is not mature and will end up being like one of the children. You need a man not a male child. Some people are only suppose to be friends. You are not suppose to take care of an adult. If this is the way life is starting out, are you visualizing and dreaming things will change as time goes on? You are special. You are trying to go forward in life. Give yourself a chance and go forward alone. Learn to love yourself before you reach out to another. Start over, decide what you want and don't want. After you calm down and the pain of the break up goes away, try again. And if you see yourself making the same mistakes with yet another person, stop and start over again. You need skills and strength. Make life good. You can do it.
I agree with the first comment. That is some sound advice! Either way you have to guard your heart. Even when your conscience attacks you about leaving him. The time wasted in an uneventful relationship could have been spent with someone who wanted to love and build a healthy relationship with you.
Thanks for this, Loretta; we can be so concerned about someone else that we forget what we are doing to ourselves.
Olivia,
I know it's very hard to move on when you're attached to someone, but please, do it.
Even if he eventually gets a job, this man is not someone you want to have children with, assuming that's your long term goal. He has many good qualities, I'm sure, but he's immature. He needs to get more experience with women and with life. Your time in relationship with him has not been wasted, so don't think of it as wasted years when you part from him. You have learned what qualities you want in a man, and what you don't want. It will take some time to see these things. At first, it will just feel bad. I experienced a hurtful break up 6 months ago, and now I can see how the experience was good for me, even though it didn't work out. I know better now what I want
and need in a man. You are only 24, you have so many good experiences ahead.
Thanks for your beautiful words of wisdom here, Meg; when you've been there, you understand what someone else is going through on a deeper level. It takes awhile, but eventually, that gift that can be found in our heartbreak reveals itself.