In my coaching practice, the question of how to get over a broken heart is one that I hear so often. Unfortunately, it’s a question almost all of us have asked at one time or another of anyone who was willing to listen.
Breakups are not only hard, they can frequently feel like something inside of us had died, and the loss of a relationship can often be just as painful as actually losing a loved one. And it makes sense – this person that you were so intimately involved with, that was such an intertwined part of your life, is suddenly gone, unreachable, untouchable.
Then there’s the self-blame, the resentment, the anger. Even if the breakup was amicable, and you've decided to remain friends (which I generally don’t recommend), it’s impossible to completely erase that feeling of utter loss.
And it really is a loss – a loss of the future that you had pictured with him. A loss of the future family life that you may have imagined. A loss of all of those wonderful times that you so totally believed were coming soon.
I know. I’ve been there too. Too many times to want to remember.
So how do we move on from a devastating breakup? How do we finally repair our shattered hopes, shattered dreams, shattered heart?
Like most things in life that are difficult (think: losing weight, changing bad habits, exercising) it would be so nice if there was just a little pill we could take that would magically make it all better, but sadly there’s not.
While ultimately the best healer of all emotional wounds is time, there are a few things that you can do that will help to reduce that amount of time.
First, know that getting over a broken heart is very similar to processing grief of any kind. You’ll go through many, if not all, of the same stages:
Stage 1: Denial.
This often happens before, during, and after the actual break up occurs. It starts when we first notice that he’s becoming emotionally distant and that he’s pulling away. We try to tell ourselves that it’s not happening (again), and we pretend that nothing is wrong.
Once the break up is official, we still pretend that it’s not happening, or we want to believe that it’s just a fight, and that we’ll be able to work it out. We constantly check our phones to see if it’s him calling, or if he’s texted or left a message.
We don’t want to believe that it’s really happening, and we keep telling ourselves that we’ll get back together and everything will be back to normal, even though deep down inside we know it can never really be.
This is when we typically think to ourselves something like “It can’t really be over. I know he’s going to call and we’ll get back together.” This is often when we break down and call him, hoping that once he hears our beautiful voice he’ll come to his senses and want to be back together. (Unfortunately, while not unheard of, it rarely happens).
Stage 2: Anger.
“How could he have done this to me? Especially after everything I've done for him…how could he hurt me like this?”
We feel like we hate him, and we tell everyone who'll listen just how awful he is, and how he’s hurt us. Although the truth is that at this point we’d take him back in a second if he would just call…
Stage 3: Bargaining.
We’d do anything, absolutely anything, to get him back.
We’ll forgive him for whatever he’s done, promise to be the best girlfriend ever, if things could just be the way they were. We may appeal to God, or the Universe, or whichever higher power we believe in, to just somehow pull us out of this deep, dark pit of despair and make it like it was.
We’re basically willing to do anything to avoid facing the painful reality. We just want him to love us again…
Stage 4: Depression.
While it may not be a full-fledged clinical depression this is really the best way to describe what we’re feeling. You’ll feel like you’ll never be able (or want) to love again, lest you feel this awful pain again in your life. You've lost your zest for life, you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, and you really don’t want to do anything except wallow in your own painful feelings.
(Please note: if you are having deep feelings of depression and/or thoughts of hurting yourself in any way, then make sure to get professional help right away, as this can be very serious).
The good news is that while this can be the darkest stage, just like the train coming out of the tunnel, there’s light up ahead and if you can get past this, you're on your way to truly healing.
Stage 5: Acceptance.
This is where the real healing begins, and the sooner you can get to this phase the better (I know, easier said than done, but read on for the steps you can take to get here quicker).
This is the stage where you finally recognize that it’s really over, and there’s no going back. The great news is that this opens up all of the possibilities for an even better loving experience.
In my coaching, I find that the number one thing that holds us back from finding the kind of loving relationship that we really want, is holding on to the past and pining for someone who, in reality, was probably not even what we have made him into.
While this stage is not necessarily the beginning of becoming happy again, it's the gateway to, and a necessary part of, getting to the point where you can move forward and begin the next phase of your life.
So how do we get to this point as quickly and painlessly as possible?
Like I said earlier, while there’s no magic pill that will whisk you through this, there are some things that you can focus on that will get you there much faster.
Cry it out.
Tears heal. Tears cleanse. Let them flow.
Tears can remove toxins, lower stress, and elevate our mood. Just like forgiveness, the tears are for YOU, not him. You are not "giving him the satisfaction" of knowing that he made you cry. You're doing this 100% for you.
You're crying to release the grief you feel for that future that only existed in your mind. The future that solely existed in the potential that only you could see.
It's alright to grieve that loss.
Because, as I said earlier, it is a loss – it's a loss of your hopes and dreams for this particular relationship. But it's not a loss of your future, it's actually a gateway to the beautiful future that you're going to find, now that you're open to it.
So once you've let all of those tears out, use that new found clarity (it's true, tears actually help us to physically see better) to see all of the opportunities for exactly what you want. The kind of love that you deserve. The kind that you've always wanted. Tears are healing and they serve a beautiful purpose.
And there's a beautiful life just waiting for you to discover it just beyond those tears.
Take back your power.
Remember that you are in control here.
Maybe not of what he does (or doesn't do), but you are in control of yourself, what you do, say, think and feel. It’s absolutely imperative that you take back your power and release the hold he has on you. Once you recognize where this hold is coming from (whether it’s from the anger and resentment that you’re feeling, or the sadness), know that you’re in control of your own mind. After all, it’s you that’s having these feelings – you may feel like he caused them, but you have the power to release them.
It helps here to remember that your broken heart is a gift.
The love that you felt (and may still feel) was a gift – it always is – but it's also a gift that you've been released from this relationship that wasn't right for you or for him.
You don't need to release or let go of the love that you had with him. It will always be there – in your memories – no one can ever take those away from you. Just enjoy them for what they are – beautiful, loving memories of a beautiful, loving time. Keep those, they're yours to keep.
Release the negative ones, but hold onto the beautiful ones. You'll never lose those – in fact, nothing is really lost except your vision of the potential of what the relationship could have been.
It also helps to know that this relationship that you moved through was there for a reason – and it was not to cause you pain. Every step of our journey takes us to the next step, and that in turn leads to the next. Life and love are both a journey – there is no beginning and no end, only a series of steps. What you experienced were simply some of those steps – part of that journey. And those steps have gotten you closer to the love that's right for you. The one waiting just around the corner.
Be gentle with yourself.
I know it hurts. Believe me, I know.
I know you don't want to feel this intense pain and sadness right now – or ever. But drowning your sorrows in unhealthy escape avenues like alcohol, drugs, or even ice cream and junk food only hurts you more.
You're already hurting, don't do anything more to hurt that beautiful body and mind of yours.
It doesn't make these feelings or this reality go away; it only masks it until it makes an appearance another day.
You're worth so much more than these type of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors that only add insult to injury. Don't let anyone do this to you. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to do this to yourself.
You don't.
It won't have the desired effect you might think it will. It won't hurt him. It will only hurt you.
Forgive.
Forgiveness is not about the other person. It’s about YOU. And your feelings.
Don’t think of it as “letting him off the hook for what he’s done”, or feeling like “he got away with hurting me”. If you look up the definition of forgiveness, it’s “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)” as well as “to give up resentment of or claim to requital for”.
What this act of letting go of the resentment does is free up your mind, body and soul to truly move forward to a better place – the place that you are meant to be, with the person that you are meant to be with. Because clearly he wasn't that person.
It allows you to break the chains that he has on you by way of this resentment that you've been holding onto for far too long. (How do I know you've held on too long? Because even 10 minutes is far too long, and I'm sure you've been holding onto it for longer than that!).
As Nelson Mandela famously said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” While you're busy holding on so tightly to that anger and resentment, he's out there moving on with his life, probably not giving you much (if any) of a thought at all.
Stop making the hurt that you feel your story, and start into your new story – your best story.
The story that begins and ends with love.
Don't take it personally.
Know that this relationship ended because it wasn't the right relationship for you…or for him.
It has nothing to do with you.
You are absolutely lovable, and you deserve to be loved…by the right person. If you start to second guess yourself, thinking "if I had just done this differently, or that differently, we'd still be together", then know that, while it may be true, the fact is that the only way to a great relationship is by being your true self.
The biggest problem that most of us have is that we don't really know our true selves. We spend so much time trying to be what we think he wants us to be, what we think the world wants us to be, that we don't even know how to be ourselves. We don't even know what we really want.
If you did anything "wrong" at all, it's what most of us do "wrong". We don't spend enough time knowing ourselves, and really knowing what it is that we really want.
Your true self is lovable. Your true self is amazing. Your true self is what is going to attract the guy that's perfect for you.
Be honest with yourself.
Are you really trying to get over your broken heart, or are you actually hoping to get back together with him? If you’re trying to get back together (which is a topic for an entirely different post) you’ll do things differently than if you’re truly ready to get past the hurt and move on.
If you’re harboring hopes of getting your ex back it will definitely impede your progress towards healing your broken heart. You’ll remain stuck in the denial phase.
It helps here to remember to see the relationship for what it really was, not for it’s potential (which we all do all too often). There’s a reason that you’re not together anymore (probably lots of reasons), but it’s all too easy for us to only remember those wonderful feelings, that spark, that we had in the beginning and during those high points in the relationship.
It also helps to enlist the help of some close friends who will likely have a clearer view of what the relationship really was. Which brings us to…
Talk it out.
For many of us, talking through our feelings is an important step in processing them.
Sometimes just the act of verbalizing our thoughts and feelings helps to clarify them and also helps us to see things that we may not have seen before. Just make sure to find someone empathetic and supportive that is willing to listen.
If you don't have anyone that you trust to give you the kind of support that you need, then write out your thoughts and feelings in a journal, notebook, or on your computer. Express that resentment, the anger, and the sadness that you feel.
Let it out. Then let it go.
Once you're done talking (or writing) through it, stop.
The more you re-hash what happened, how he hurt you, how much you miss him, etc., the longer you'll hang on to those feelings. Focusing on the negative only makes it grow.
Instead, focus on what's going right in your life – if you don’t feel like anything is going right in your life, then create something.
Try something new. Make something. Find a passion (or three). Meet new people (all kinds of people).
At first it may feel like you're forcing yourself, and that's OK. Sometimes distracting yourself with something else really is the best way to move forward.
Live your best life.
If you feel like he's hurt you, don't let him continue to hurt you by hardening your heart and closing it off to real love.
The absolute best way to get over a broken heart is by living and loving your life. Spend time with yourself, but not because you're closing yourself off to love. Do it so that you can know yourself better and become your true, authentic self that will attract the right guy for you.
Live. Love. Laugh. Be happy. No one can take that from you.
Remember that the secret to getting over a broken heart lies with you. Getting past the pain is about you, not about him. You get to decide.
Surround yourself as often as you can with your cheerleaders and those people who love you. Accept their support and their reminders that you are a beautiful, caring, loving person and you deserve to be loved.
It's a process, with as many or as few steps as you decide there are going to be. Every step that you take brings you closer to the next, amazing stage of your life. So start moving, as fast or as slow as you're comfortable with. As long as you're moving.
Baby steps will get you there, if that's what you need. This isn't a race. This isn't a time to compare yourself to others. This is about you, and your heart.
This also isn't a "prove just how hard your heart can be" moment. This is the time for being gentle with your beautiful, tender, loving heart. Hold yourself close to your heart. Let that little girl inside you know that everything’s going to be all right.
Just make sure to move, and keep moving, in the right direction.
Your amazing, love filled future is counting on it.
John says
So I'm only 14 and I know you probably won't take it serious but, about a year ago I fell in true love for the first time, when it ended I cried, first time I'd ever cried over a girl ever. I haven't been able to get over her in a year, I don't know what to do, I tried rebounding but that just hurts me and the girls I'm rebounding to. She told me we'd never be together again but she still wants us to be friends, I don't know what to do. I know that us not being friends is the best option but I love her, and I see her everyday, I need help
Gillian says
I'm your age to, I know how you feel, I'm a girl though. You need to stop thinking of these other girls as rebounds. These rebounds might be hurting the same way as you just because you can't accept that your ex is over you. My advice don't try to be friends with your ex, its gonna hurt you more . If your friends with her then you have to listen to her talk about who she likes and your gonna have to see her with other guys. Stop comparing other girls to her, find a new girl that stands out and is true herself. Don't try to jump back into dating again give it a little more time, get to know this new girl.
(If you can find one worthy of your time, thats not like your ex)
Also last thing, you don't love her, your just lusting over her. She gave you her time and you got attached, then she got bored. Thats how it works. Your hormones are out of control at this age, its gonna take a while for you to be normal. Spend time with your male friends, have them distract you, have fun.
Sorry if I was rude in any part of this I was just trying to tell you the cold truth...
🙁
latsirk says
my bf cheated on me so many times. i always accepted him but my trust is not there anymore.. its a real struggle, and this time I break up with him again beacaause of the same reason.BUt we both want to try again. i dont know what to do anymore. yes i still love him but how.. if im falling apart.. I know i still want him but how ca I trust him again
Gillian says
Don't date him again, there is a huge chance he's going to cheat again when things start to go wrong. He might just want to try again for free sex, a bet, or the trill of cheating while in a relationship. Don't trust him, find someone you deserve. Someone who will stay loyal, care for you, and keep you happy + safe.
juliet says
I have been dating this guy for five 5yrs and we have a 3yr old son together. We live together and I woke up one particular night and checked his phone only for me to see an email from another girl telling him she had done her flight reservation and all and she was visiting his country from America. I confronted him with my findings and he was infuriated I checked his phone and he also told me what am looking for is what I got. She was scheduled to arrive my country on the 28 July 2016 and on the 27th of July he carried his bags and told me he was travelling. I knew fully well he was going to wait for her in the hotel cos he had been telling me to travel and see my mum who lives in another state and I refused. Since I refused to go see my mum so that he can bring his girlfriend to the house he decided to go wait for her in the hotel. I told him if he goes he should consider our relationship dead and he called my bluff and left. I was so devastated and friends adviced me to leave the house which I did. I later found out am 2mths 2wks pregnant for him. I intend removing the pregnancy and moving on with my life. But I love him so much. Should I accept him back if he comes begging or I should let him go? Pls ur advice will be appreciated because am so devastated.
Jane says
How can you accept someone back who treats you like this, Juliet? There is someone who will love you, who will adore you, who will choose heart and soul to be with you. He will love your precious children as his own. Don't settle for anything less, and he's the one you'll find.
Bella says
I think he is my soul mate. I keep thinking I want him back but I don't want the cheating and the lies. Reading this have made me so emotional, haven't stop crying. I have never experience this pain. How can
An i forget him when he made such great impact on my life. My mother and brother adore him. My son looks at him as a father figure. My son feels neglected by him. I wish I could beg him to stay, beg him to chose me. I don't know what I did wrong. I feel torn apart. My heart actually feels like it's been ripped from my body. Many nights I stay up crying wondering what is wrong with me. I just want to rid this pain.
Chelsea O. says
Hi, my now ex and I have been friends since we were 5. We lost contact after going to separate High schools, but Dec 2014 we found each other again. I was 4 months out of a bad 5 yr relationship and not looking to date. However, we clicked and after a while I decided to give him a chance because he said I was who he was looking for all these yrs.
Fast forward a yr and 3 months later, we just broke up because he said he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship or single. And I wish I could be mad and hate him but I can't. He was good to me, helped me overcome my depression and low self esteem. Helped to become a woman that I am happy to be.
This lost feels like I lost not only my friend and boy friend but like I lost my future. I do want him to figure out who he needs to be, and I do want him to be happy. I just wish it could be with me.
I love him and I have never loved anyone like how I love him. I want to move on, but I also want him. I want to know that maybe in the future we could be together again. I never believed in soulmates but with him I do.
Tyler says
I've read what you said and I believe what you say to be true. Though my fiance was a female and me a male. I only ever wanted what was best for her and I focused too much on the relationship and lost track of my own path. One of the reasons she left me...she kept believing rumors about me and me losing my focus on my goals. Well since then I have focused on my goals but I still feel wrong about myself...i dont know why though
Dianne says
I've just re-connected with my boyfriend I lived with 30 years ago. I was 32 and he was 19. We lived together for 2 years and then we split. He came back several months later for several months and then we separated again. I was pregnant. I was devastated but understood that someone at 21 couldn't make a life changing decision and I left the town we were living in. He was the absolute love of my life. I found out 2 weeks ago that he only lives 70 miles from me. We emailed for several weeks talking about issues and saying that we both cared so much about each other and we met. It was very awkward and I cried a lot. He seemed to be in a lot of pain because he was just getting divorced after getting married at 50 and it didn't work out. I guess I expected him to immediately be in love with me all over again and seeing him again has brought all the hurt back. He wants to be friends and bike ride and hike but I think that would be too painful as I love him just as I did 30 years ago.
Louise says
Hi all I need your advice I meet a guy on a dating site 2 months ago we texted eachother everyday all day up until last. Week when he decided to fly from France to Ireland to meet me we had such a lovley week together I let him stay in my home he planned on coming back for Christmas after two or three weeks or texting me he told me he loved me also when he was in Ireland. He told me he loved me everyday, then as soon as he went back to France he changed he no longer told me he loved me he now says he has feeling for me and he feels love but I'm thinking just as friends he says he Dosent love me than me it's very hard to understand he's meanings as he Dosent have good English he still continues to text me. Just as Friends and I would like your advice do you think I should cut all contact as every text I see from him it has me hoping he had changed he's mind and will want me so it's hard to move on
Angel says
Oh Louise! I'm so sorry this is not turning out the way you thought it would.
I don't know if what I'm going to say will help you feel better, but I hope it gives you a whole other perspective on this situation.
Personally, I think you cannot love someone you don't know. You haven't spent enough time together to know who he is, what he's like when he's under pressure, in a bad mood, over the honeymoon phase, etc and for him to know you well. You can like each other a lot, but at that stage, you are interested and you like the idea you get, but you're not in love.
He seems to be a person who leaps before he looks, who loves the honeymoon phase, but not the reality of a true relationship. He liked the idea of you, he was happy at that moment, but his reactions now are showing you what he truly can deal with and what he's about. Don't take it personally, he doesn't even know you enough.
He simply chose not to be with you for whatever reason, a reason that doesn't matter.
Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. Relationships are somehow difficult enough when you live together, adding distance is adding many more complications. That's another factor you might want to consider.
You can choose to see the situation for what it is: a lovely week with someone you don't know and a situation that is giving you a chance to really see what it is you want, what you can live with and what you can't.
He's already told you and shown you what page he's on, so now it's up to you. If this isn't what you want, if he can't be that man you're looking for, you know what to do.
You can let go and get through it, and learn from the experience. Learning from them can lead us to where we truly belong and want to be. Remember that you have to be responsible for your own happiness and your own life. You can choose you, to do what the most loving thing for you is.
I hope this helps. You can look at what it is you truly need and what you're after. It's never outside of you, it's always within that you find the answers that set you free.
gordon says
I no this is a little different yes im a man but your steps help us to. I started dating a girl 2 weeks before my 18th birthday unfortunately it now over. its both of our fault but i still wanted to try and work at it and i forgave her but she cant me ironic right. im only at stage 4 we had a fourteen year relationship and four kids. What makes things even harder for me is i still have to go to the house to see me kids and it hurts still to look at her and still love her and for her to look at me and feel nothing. It don't help Knowing she goes out and can laugh have fun ( while im stuck here ) and do things with other men its still turns and my stomach turns like a washer. Me in the end had to see a doctor im one that didn't make it throw with out a antidepressant i hope to more on to the next stage try to get my life back after spending so many years building that one and given her all my love time and attention. Love hurts yes it does but when your in love the best thing to do is enjoy it dont think about what could happen just enjoy what you have because nothing last ( if its does well do you did something right )
Ariane says
Thank You So Much !!!! I live to hear your wise words..My heart is burning with ache but you sooth it so :)) I never thought I would be here again..Heartbroken :'-( you would think it would get easier as the numbers go up but its the same ole knife first then question later in the chest kind of thing lol but really bless your beautiful heart..your doing an amazing thing for us and please don't every forget that…
Always in My Heart:)
XOXO
Ariane H
Jane says
You're so sweet, Ariane. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. This is exactly why I'm here. Because this is our humanness, this is what we do. We learn a little, we go there again, we learn a little more, we go there a little less, we have our big epiphany moments, we go there a lot less, we learn a little more, we go there a lot less. But still we go there! Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because it takes time to change these patterns that we've learned so well. It takes time to unlearn the very things that we didn't learn overnight, but gradually over time, over many years and experiences and relationships from usually the time we weren't old enough to understand what we were actually learning. So many different stories and road and paths to the same places, but what we all share is that humanness, that realness, that reality that we all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Our hearts and the way we love and give and hope and dream and believe in the power of love is a beautiful testament to the kind of love we are capable of having when it's reciprocated by someone who's truly worthy of what we have to offer - and wants to be inspired by someone just like you. How could we feel any less deeply than we do? Fully, deeply, completely; it's the only way we know how to love.
Annie says
I would be interested in same question. I did unfriend my ex but didnt block him and actually I'm still friends with his friends who occasionally share pictures with him. I have been thinking of unfollowing them so I can forget him easier. Then there is another app where he sent the birthday wish and not sure if I should also remove it...
Any advises are welcome. I still go from being very angry to feeling indifferent and it depends on the day and my energy levels how I feel.
-Annie
Julia says
Jane, Would you recommend unfriending an ex on facebook as part of moving on as well as deleting their number from your phone? My ex hasn't contacted me and doesn't post on facebook at all, but I keep watching when he logs on and every time he does, it reaffirms that he is ignoring me.
Or will unfriending him look mean and petty and reinforce how not over him I am?
Jane says
This is one of those personal decisions where you have to ask yourself what you're really looking for here, Julia. Do you want to really move on, or do you want more proof that he isn't on the same page as you and isn't looking for the same thing as you? If you truly want to move on, then letting go of these opportunities to see what he's doing and not doing is going to help you do just that. The opposite is also true, leaving him on as a friend keeps him right there with you, keeping a part of him in your life that you can't easily miss without some effort - even if it's only on Facebook.
From what you've said here, I wouldn't worry about what he thinks about it or how it would look to him. It doesn't sound like he's going to pay much attention to what you do or don't do either way. Are you mean and petty? Are you still not over him? Does it really matter whether he thinks any of these things or whatever else he might think if you know yourself why you're doing what you're doing and you're confident in your own reasons? There are so many possible interpretations of why someone unfriends an ex; don't waste your time thinking or worrying about what this will mean to him. Instead, think about what it means to you.
Some people are able to move on and ignore someone while still keeping things the same on Facebook and having constant reminders of what he is or isn't doing. But I know I never could.
Wise Chick says
This is so hard to do. I've been friends with the guy I'm trying to get over for years and we've kind of always been Facebook friends. I don't want to look like I'm being overly emotional with him by cutting him off. I personally want him to see and KNOW I don't need him and I'm moving on without him. Yes, I'm petty. lol.
He is the one who pushed our friendship to another level, of course so he could get what he wanted out of me then after I caught feelings and thought he did too, he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. Jerk.
I tried to cut him off, but he came back and lured me back into his emotionally draining trap. No matter what I say, he's not trying to leave me alone. I've significantly cut back contact. I stopped calling him and answering his calls as much, which has been sooooo helpful for me. I've started to see just how pathetic he is and how I severely lowered my standards for nothing.
Me seeing him helps me actually. So when I miss him a little, I'll go to his page instead of calling him. But then when I started going there, I started to become turned off by some of his childish comments. I started to really see how not on my level this guy really is.
I started to see the REAL him and not the fake one he pretended to be to get me involved with him.
Jane says
I so hear, Wise Chick. Keep focusing on what's really there and what isn't. What you're really getting from him, and what you're not. What he's capable of giving you, and what he isn't. Reality will show - and tell - you everything you need to know. "I started to really see how not on my level this guy really is." - Exactly! The reality vs. the potential or fantasy or beliefs we've bought into. It's what's real!
Annie says
Hi Jane!
Today I have been feeling quite low. It is my break up last year. I guess it started 'cause I saw some pics of him on Facebook then saw a birthday wish from him. Then I started thinking of him. I went back to the Memory lane, even looked at photos and realised how awful he was towards me. How badly this man treated me. So instead of feeling like there is something good in him because he is contacting me and remembering me I realised he has some nerve. After all that happened. I suddenly felt angry and first time thought of myself instead of him. I thought I do not want this person in my life. There is no possibility of us ever being friends the way he treated me. So I sent him a message saying please leave me alone. For the first time instead of wishing him well etc. I was cold I turned my back and now I am walking away. If he is to have a change or something good happening to him, it is he who is responsible not me. Not in my thoughts not in any way, he had his chance already I tried and he failed.
So although I'm yet to forgive him for everything, I realise that I have grown. I am finally not throwing myself helping a person (part of this nursing is making people feel good and wishing well) but walking away and saving myself.
It feels great and although I do still feel a bit insecure and the old me does not want to close the door behind I am strong and so proud of myself. Because I know we shouldnt settle anything less than what we deserve and I deserve it all genuine love and care.
Thank you Jane I am stronger because you and everyone giving me great advises here.
Loving myself finally more.
Love,
Annie
Jane says
Feel that beautiful strength of yours coming through so clearly, Annie. Yes, you're seeing this in the only light there is - the real one. It is he who is responsible to change any of this, not you. You're being so true to yourself here, standing up for what is acceptable to you, and what isn't. Feel that. There's always that accompanying insecure feeling in the process of standing up for ourselves, setting a boundary when we're not used to doing this. But stay with it. It's worth it.
You have grown! Not wanting to close those doors is such a familiar place, but it's not your place anymore. Let them close if someone else is closing them. Don't try to keep them open a crack if it's not serving you in the way you deserve to be loved, to be treated. The clearer you become on what you are and are not willing to accept in your life, the more you don't have to.
Thank you for your kind words. I love hearing from you!
Ilham says
I would say live the whole painful period in order to get thro it
Jane says
And live it well. Remembering this ... Don't fight the going through.
Sky11 says
There is one thing I have found that helps a lot, one thing that took me many many many years to learn, but I have now found to be one of the single most important keys to healing a broken heart.
NO CONTACT.
Absolutely no contact. At some point, anything you say is going to come from a place of desperation, of misery, of patheticness. And it's going to look that way, and you are gonig to look crazy. It won't bring your ex back, they already made up their mind. All it will do is reinforce their decision and drive them further away. Once they have made up their mind, nothing you SAY will be able to change it.
NO CONTACT.
However, sometimes the opposite occurs. They like to string you along. They like to keep you as a security blanket, or as a fallback plan, or just to stroke their ego. They like "Stay Friends" or give you "maybes" as they keep looking to see if they can find something better, and all the while you rip yourself into shreds, waiting, hoping for them to come back, to give you that validation you think you need from them! And so you settle for that contact to, you love that contact because you think it means they are still interested, they can still come back, if you just play the cards right.
But they already chose to leave. This is extremely toxic as it will leave you in a prolonged weaken state. Until they finally find and solidify it with soembody better. Or until they begrudgingly go back to you because they haven't found somebody better YET, but the process will probably repeat.
NO CONTACT.
This in my experience is the BEST way to heal. It is the hardest to do. You have to delete them from your phone. You have to ignore all their messages. (Perhaps you can tell them ahead of time that you plan to end contact). If it makes you feel better, set a time limit, of at least 60 days, but preferably 90. It sounds like forever but it is the key to sucess. You may find yourself waiting for them to call you back, which is normal. If they do, don't answer.. It is also possible depending on the breakup, that they wont call you at all. That will also hurt a lot, but will also get the message quite clear to you.
A heartbreak is a wound. It's like somebody stabbing you in the heart. How will that wound ever heal if you keep the instrument of injury there to keep stabbing you? You have to remove the source for 60-90 days. NO CONTACT.
In the mean time, you can give yourself some time to grieve, but then also start filling your 90 days with as much as you want and can to make your life awesome and fill the void the lack of that person has caused. Set goals. Pursue Goals. Get a makeover. Live a life for 90 days that will make that person SO jealous they left you. (But don't expect them to ever see it, dont try to strategically place pictures on facebook or anything for them to see it. In fact, block them on facebook too as part of no contact so you cant see who/what they are doing).
90 Days. Recommit to your friends. Recommit to your passions. Recommit to yourself. Journal your progress every single day. It is not a linear improvement, there are up days and there are down days. At the end of 90 days, you can opt to return contact if you want. But by then, chances are you wont even want to!!!
This doesn't work for all situations (for example if ou work together, or share kids), and it's almost impossible at first to forcibly remove yourself from the thing you want most in the world, but it is the absolute fastest and best way to get over a heartbreak in my experience.
And if you do meet after 90 days, you will no longer be that pathetic whiny desperate person you were on the phone during the breakup. You will be strong, passionate, and centered, and therefore sexy as hell!
Just my two cents.
Sky11 says
Also...alcohol is the most dangerous failure in No Contact, and you drunk calling at midnight is going to sound way worse than anything you could say sober in the day. You MUST delete them from your phone. Even if it means hiding their number somewhere far away at a friend's house or something where you cant reach it for 90 days. You MUST delete them from your facebook. Yes you want to spend the 90 days living a life that would make them jealous, but they should never see it. Instead, somebody else, somebody new will instead. Even if that somebody new is the new and improved you!
Jane says
Thank you for adding this, Sky11. It's so true!
Jane says
Love your two cents, Sky11. This will help so many to hear this from someone who's so clearly been there too. Thank you!
RealDavsis says
Bravo!! That is exactly what I went through and how I felt. Today I am free!!! I still think about him and the memories I know in my heart if he does not change that memories will all that I will have. It was a learning experience and I am glad that I went through. Now I have a testimony to help someone in those same shoes. "there is light at the end of the tunnel" yes ma'am!! I am a witness!! I almost feel sorry for his fiancé , a tiger do not change their stripes. Then again she might like that behavior...I know I DID NOT!!!! Just take one day at a time..you will look up and say WHY!!!!
Jane says
So glad you found that light, RealDavis. And the freedom. Yes, you are free. "... you will look up and say WHY!!!!" - Beautiful!
Wayne says
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences, Jane. And once again, thanks for you kindness, understanding, support, wisdom and help.
People hurt from such experiences because they care. There is no getting away from the pain, there is only going through it. But you can do it. Because I am doing it. Just over a year for me, and I am finally getting to a good place, where I can smile and laugh. You must go there too. Do it for your loved ones, do it for your dog. Most importantly, do it for yourself. "Just do it"...good advice from Beaverton, Oregon.
Jane says
You're so welcome, Wayne. We all deserve nothing less. Thank you for sharing your strength - I'm so glad to hear you are "finally getting to a good place, where I can smile and laugh." This is the real you.
Jackie says
Based on my own experiences, and others, especially breakups that had very serious betrayal. EMDR is excellent as its a trauma therapy.
Jane says
Thanks for sharing, Jackie.
Denise says
Hi
My ex and I broke up while we were both overseas due to circumstances and we never saw each other until three years later. The entire time I had so much to say and hear from him that I felt like I was stuck and couldn't move on. Seeing him and talking to him helped me to find the closure I needed in order to move on and also see things clearer. I didn't realize until then what a huge difference one hour conversation with my ex would have made to my life until we actually had that conversation.
I do think that having closure after a breakup really matters.
Jane says
I so hear you, Denise. I'm so glad you were able to finally have that conversation and set yourself free.
Courtney says
In my past my 2nd ex asked me out when I reunited with this guy from kindy I was really in love n had everything, he started it all. I followed through & after a month he said "can we break u" I said "why" n he said "I'm going out with another girl" that got me jealous n this new girl he went out added me on FB but I declined her request coz I didn't know her, I was literally crying for a whole day, I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on, so then my nanna took me out for dinner so she can heal my heart that night. She said "there's plenty of fish In the sea" so after 2 months after break up I kept looking at his MySpace profile n he deleted my number n my mum told me he always got in trouble by his mum
This time 5 years I went out with this feninum guy who had the same hair as me n he was dirty n I couldn't stand him anymore n he used to yell at me n snatch a book off me, never watched the bags of save my spot, n had to much uncommon stuff where he was into politics n I wasnt. I ended it with him on 11 May 2010 for his dirtyness n he wasn't the right now. On break up day he yelled at me n I ran away from him, n he said it's all or nothing n I said to my parents should I do all or nothing n I said nothing at the end. That week I moved on so quickly coz he wasn't the 1 n I got out there n made new friends n he was very sad n his boss told him to tell me to think deep in love. That week I didn't care about him, never answered his FB msgs coz I was over him n I deleted his number in the time.
This year I've been in a new R-ship with this young fella for 3 months & he said to me if we ever do break up, I will still be friends n see u more. I told him I would never ever break it off n his parents r supportive too. The longest I've been in a R-ship is 6 months n I tend to think when 6 months comes should I stay or should I go n told me to stop capering him to my other ex's
Some men r talking to me n told a mutual friend they want to break me n this guy up coz of what I put up on FB n the common friend said its their business n stick up for me n this guy
How would I know if I should stay or go if he's romantic n nice nclean
Jane says
Does he have the qualities you're looking for, Courtney? Is he on the same page as you? How does he treat you? These are the questions to ask yourself. Listen to your gut instincts. Be honest with yourself. Romantic and nice and clean are all very important if they're important to you, but his character, the way he treats you, and so many other things matter too.