In our culture, there's a predominant belief that in order to help people we need to be direct, to the point, and take off the kid gloves.
This method is often portrayed as a loving approach by using the phrase "Tough Love".
Many people believe that this approach is the only way to get through to someone, and to help them make positive changes in their lives.
I have to say that I respectfully disagree.
In fact, this was the whole reason I created this website in the first place. And it's also the same thing that allows my coaching clients to become free to create the lives of their choice out of a place of being accepted and loved for who they are, instead of a place of shame and guilt over what they "should" be or "shouldn't" have been.
Most of you find yourselves here because you've seen enough of this kind of tough love to know it’s not working for you. You want more because you know you deserve more.
I know all about “tough love”.
I've seen first hand the damage that it can do and the ways it can adversely affect so many people who are given their share of tough love by some of the most well-intentioned and well-meaning people. It’s a concept that our culture has come to accept and expect from everyone dealing with those who they feel need to be taught, to be molded, to be shown, to be educated. To be "straightened out".
From the loving parent who takes a tough love stance with their children, to the teachers who believe this is the way human beings learn, to the counselors and the members of the clergy, to the court system and government, the tough love stance is everywhere. We've been so conditioned to believe it’s the only way to deal with the ones who “need it” in order to be put back on the "correct" path.
But the truth is that the exact opposite is true.
This isn't how we heal.
This isn't how we grow.
This isn't how we come to see what we need to see, to change our old ways and begin something new.
We're not going to grow because someone makes us feel like there’s something wrong with us for not being able to see what they can so clearly see from the outside. We're not going to heal when someone shames us because we’re so mired in what we've been through and what we still struggle with that we can’t get past the shame and guilt of being who we are. That’s not going to help us see what we otherwise can’t see.
In fact, the opposite is true. We don’t heal by being made to feel that there’s something wrong with us, no matter how well intentioned that person practicing tough love with us may be.
Because no matter how much we should be able to see the truth for ourselves, no matter how much we should be able to understand the results of our actions, when we’re going through it, the fact is we just can't see it, no matter how clear it is to others. When we’re in that place, it's so difficult to see the reality of what is instead of the fairy tale that we so want something to be, and being told we’re wrong, being denied our feelings and our perception that are so real to us only makes us feel worse about ourselves.
It doesn't help.
And what do we do when we feel bad about ourselves? Do we rise up and become that person that someone believes we should be? Or does their tough love stance toward us tap into a different time and place and only reinforce our own long internalized beliefs that there is indeed something wrong with us, that we are inherently “bad”, and so we deserve to be treated this way?
It’s so familiar that of course it jolts us into reality and leaves us saying whatever the person practicing tough love with us wants to hear.
And so we agree that they’re right and we’re wrong. We add them to the list of those we place on that familiar pedestal while we, in contrast, dig ourselves deeper into that pit. We beat ourselves up even more.
Unworthy, unlovable, and now feeling stupid, foolish, and ashamed.
These are just some of the gentler words we use to describe ourselves once it’s pointed out to us so obviously what is wrong with us – again.
For how could we not see it coming? How could we really believe it was going to be different with him? How could we not see the signs that were oh so clear for what seems like everyone else? How could we have been so blind, so foolish to believe it could be different this time? How could we not see the writing on the wall so clearly like everyone else could? With examples like this, we have such a hard time believing there isn't something so very wrong with us.
The ways we guilt and shame ourselves are endless, it’s a wonder we can even hold our heads up at all.
And then is it any wonder that we stop reaching out for any help? Is it really surprising that we eventually stop trying to get help and simply resign ourselves to the life of a stupid, shameful, foolish person who will never see this for herself?
And so we keep finding the ones who treat us this way, who reinforce the bad, and refuse to acknowledge that there might even be another side of these qualities worth something, worth salvaging at all.
You see, it takes so little for so many of us to pick up on what isn't said. The underlying feeling we sense from someone who can’t believe we can’t see what is so obvious to them.
So then what happens when we feel attacked in this way is that we can no longer hear what they have to say beyond this feeling we sense from them, even if they say so much more. We don't hear them anymore.
Instead, we shut down and our progress slows to a stop as we go into defense mode – it’s survival mode to us.
It’s how our story gets so strong. It’s how it gets so deeply embedded in our consciousness. It’s how it becomes our reality. We've got to do something – anything – to get a little piece of ourselves back.
This isn't how we heal.
This isn't how we come to see what we need to see. This isn't how we become motivated to get up, to take that first step, to try to do something different again. This is the opposite of how it’s done.
And it’s this opposite approach that is the only one I employ in my coaching practice.
That's how we heal.
It’s how most of my clients find themselves able to see things differently, to connect the dots for themselves, because I accept and love them unconditionally to a point where there is no need to defend, only to do the most loving things they can do for themselves.
We need our feelings – our very real feelings – acknowledged. We need to be heard and understood. We need our reality accepted as our reality and not our fantasy right now. We’ll get there, in our own time, in our way. We’ll get there.
But love us until we get there.
Accept us where we are right now. Not tomorrow, not when you start to see a change in us, not when we start to show some progress, not when we stop being such a disappointment to you. Love us now. Love us right where we are.
Are we really that unlovable? Are we really that bad? Do we really not deserve to be loved for who we are?
We know all too well just how human we are. We know we’re not perfect. Oh how we know! But we’re doing the best with where we’re at right now.
We’re feelers, we’re dreamers, we’re lovers. We see the potential in someone that only we can see. We see the story in something that only we can see. Can’t anyone see the beauty in us? The beauty in the other side of everything that we've been shown is so wrong with us?
Call it tough love, defend it as much as you like. But the way that you chart a path of hope to our hearts and souls has nothing to do with anything to do with “tough”, and especially not that kind of love.
It can only come through love.
The unconditional kind. The kind that acknowledges that you’re OK just as you are, right now, today.
Yes, I have hopes and dreams and plans for you that I can’t wait for you to discover for yourself. But they won’t mean anything if they don’t come from you, if you don’t discover them in your own way and time. It doesn't matter what that looks like to me, it only matters that you see the love and acceptance that is always there for you. That’s how you’ll get there.
And I know you will.
What do you need to be accepted for, acknowledged about, and loved through? I’d love to hear from you if this resonated with you. Share whatever you’d like in the comments. I read them all.
Gizem says
Oh, i needed to hear this today Jane. I discovered the things i did wrong in my dating life and i find myself asking ''how could i put up with their disrespectful behaviours?'' or ''i guess i don't have any respect to myself'', or ''i thought i was smart, how could i didn't notice that earlier?'' I am being so hard on myself but this thoughts come automatically before i notice them and conciously decide to change them. The problem is, letting go and forgiving yourself and others is a very long and overwhelming process. And feeling the anger and hurt is a part of it but the confusing part is, i feel very bad about myself if i let myself feel that feeelings that process. That's why i couldn't decide what to do. I wonder how a healthy forgiveness process works. What do you think?
Diane N. says
At the end of the day, how we heal depends on how we go about it. I think it's important to have an outlet for the emotions and feelings to come out in a way that relaxes you.
Jane says
Absolutely, Diane.
shaymar says
SOh dear Jane, how can your words be so gentle and healing. I just went thru a tough comment from a person i looked up to in my workplace about how i was like in his personal point of view. He my be right in his own perspective but inside me i totally disagree how he sees me. It would have been helpful if he makes a constructive criticism but i felt like it's more of a comment that would make someone less about themselves. I was like he may be right in his own opinion but, deep within me i know i am better than what he thought of me. He can tell me all the negativivities he thought about me but that didn't make me less of a person to still be happy with who I am and what I'm capable of.
Jane says
Don't take it on, Shaymar. It's his to own, not yours. If there's something in there that you can learn from, take only that piece and interpret in loving words for yourself that resonate with you. He's not you, and he doesn't know you like you do. "He can tell me all the negativities he thought about me but that didn't make me less of a person to still be happy with who I am and what I'm capable of." - And it doesn't! You're still the beautiful accomplished woman that you are, with or without his opinion of you. Give him back what's his and only take what's yours. You handled your self-talk beautifully! 🙂
Phina says
Jane,
Thank you for for comments. Your words are so eloquently spoken and represent how I have felt. It's almost been a year now that my fiance (at that time) marched into my home and said: " I've found someone else, I think I'm falling in love with her, I want to live with her, we may even get married, it would be good if you give me your "blessings", but you need to move on." After 10 years + and 2 years of engagement, I was devastated. I felt wrongfully abandoned, tossed out like yesterday's trash to say the least, and very "ashamed". You see I'm not a young woman any longer (50+) so I felt alone, unworthy and under valued. When I shared my circumstances with some of my girlfriends, I found them to be "harsh" with their words and showed a "lack of compassion" when I needed it most! That I should have known better especially being a seasoned woman! Does the heart change just because one losses their youth? I was reprimanded like a child and was questioned "do you think you are the only woman that has had her heart broken?" Of course I did not think that and do not want anyone to follow in my foot steps. What my circumstance taught me is to choose your listener carefully. I'm blessed with an understanding, compassionate sister and two good girl friends with "spiritual" words of wisdom, and patience. I also learned to "pray" a lot; I focused on God's wisdom and understanding instead of my circumstance. It's odd but he habitually calls and requests to see me "weekly" although he has not broken his ties with his new love and has no shame in announcing she's still in his life. I'm not sure what that means that he wants to see me -- I NEVER call him. I'm in strong pursuit and am being successful in my healing process. My storm has taught me to show more "compassion, patience, and "sensitivity" to others who are "broken" in a time of need NOT harsh, judgmental words with no compassion! My humility to others has given me a "strength" that I was never aware of. Many blessings to others who are going through a storm. Stay focused and strong in your faith -- IT WORKS!
Angel says
Wow, Phina. Your story moved me. I'm sorry you had to go through such a difficult situation and I am sorry you had to hear such harsh comments. Please know that you get to realize how amazingly valuable you are. You are worth all the love in the Universe. Cutting contact with people who hurt us is always the best policy. I'm hugging you right now. You'll be more than ok. Lots of love.
Jane says
Thank you for sharing your story, Phina. I so understand what you're saying here, and what you've learned about who to share your feelings and your journey with. That we "should have known better", is such a familiar atrocity of words that so many beautiful hearts and souls - and especially the sensitive ones - take on as one's own. Shake it off, is what we eventually learn to do with words like these, for they're not ours, they don't belong anywhere near us.
I'm so glad you've been able to rise from this to see the real story, that there isn't any lack in you, that you are never not enough for someone who is truly right for you, and that it's in the living of your own life that you were made for that you find your own strength and courage to be yourself and shine your light so bright for the ones who you belong with to see. There's so many opportunities for you in your wise young age, Phina. It's people like you that so many of us need who have only found harsh judgement where we long to find that soft heart full of love.
Trudie says
Hi Jane, I'm a bit nervous to be writing to you but I feel perhaps by doing so, I might get some clarity into myself and why I seem to fall for emotionally unavailable men or men who find it extremely difficult to express their feelings.. I have known this guy for 3 years now and 2 years ago we started dating, 12 months and he decided to break up with me as he said his feelings had changed and he needed to sort himself out.. I didn't speak to him for 9 months and then we got back in contact as I had moved near to where he lives, coincidence of course, We were always the best of friends, we have this deep connection that both of us can't explain, when we hang out people ask if we're boyfriend/girlfriend / husband/wife.. To which I say we're only friends.. He says he can't commit and or wants a relationship right now, He says he has deep feelings for me and he knows he needs to work on being able to express his emotions, he says I stir up feelings for him that basically give him chest pains, he gets anxious sometimes when thinking about seeing me.. He also said he doesn't know what love is.. he was married twice before and at the moment going to court to get custody/ shared time with his children.. He is not the most organised person, he works long hours , he struggles with looking after himself , ie, eating healthy etc, He says i do make him happy but he doesn't think he is the best man for me.. I see a man who has a beautiful heart and soul, he is gentle, caring and giving.. He lost his mum 5 years ago and it seems he lost a bit of himself too.. I find I take on the nurturing, motherly role and I have even gone as far as helping him with his house work, assisting him in his studies etc.. I believe that's what you do, you care for and look after the people you love .. I guess I'm hoping one day, he will express his emotions and not be so afraid of them, I worry if I give up now and walk away, that all my love, care and attention and the help I've given him, someone else will reap the benefits.. I have also come to realise that my "inner child" craves for him, she gets uneasy, insecure, when he leaves, as he can never tell me when we will catch up, it's always, i'll see you later, and this causes feelings of rejection and abandonment ... My "adult" self wants to keep on going with life, doesn't like feeling the "clingy', "pushy" , "insecure", that happens with my "inner child" and wants to tell her to grow up, act her age and stop chasing someone who obviously can't love us back the way we want to be loved.. So would that be the tough love you were talking about as well? My friends think I'm silly for putting up with and still allowing him to be in my life, we do have this deep connection, even after 9 months of not speaking or seeing each other, when we met up again, it was like we were never apart.. I hope I'm making sense, as this is not easy for me to talk about, as I am always getting reprimanded and being told to not talk about it, that I should just leave him.. My heart and mind are having a battle because no matter what happens, I know these feelings for him will always be there...
Jane says
Yes, Trudie, that's exactly what I'm talking about here, and it's why "always getting reprimanded and being told not to talk about it" isn't helping you at all. It's the "adult" self that is also the programmed self, that you so accurately described as being all about this type of tough love that tells you everything you need to do without any acknowledgment of this beautiful part of you that sees "a man who has a beautiful heart and soul" instead of just a man who's emotionally unavailable. You are indeed in tune with yourself, recognizing this sweet "inner child" who only wants to be loved. And yet she is hurting because how can she not be, when she gives like she does - like you do - getting so little in return for all you give, all you care, and all you do.
You're making perfect sense here to the ones who understand exactly what you're talking about and who can relate because we've been there ourselves. You're not silly, or anything else. My guess is one of the reasons you're having such a hard time moving on from here is because you have no place to take all these feelings where you can safely talk about this with someone who understands and doesn't reprimand you and make you wrong when you're not. It's not about right or wrong. It's not about turning your feelings off and getting over him. It's about loving and accepting yourself through this process of coming to terms with what you can and can't live with when it comes to him.
No one can come along and reap the benefits of all you've done. No one is you and no one can ever take the place of you, Trudie. But you've given this man quite a bit of time for you to see where he's at, where his wounds lie and what he is and isn't capable of when it comes to giving you that love, that emotional response that you deserve in a love relationship. His lack of emotional response and ability to be in a committed relationship with you have nothing to do with you. He knows this, and it's why he tells you he "he's not the best man for me". It's why he's being so honest with you, when he tells you he can't commit and doesn't want a relationship right now. He wants you to hear him, to believe him, to know what you're getting yourself into by being with him so that he doesn't have to be responsible for you. Because he can't do it, he's not there, and as much as he'd probably like to be, he can't find his way to make that happen for himself.
The sad reality, Trudie, is that you can't do this for him. You can't fix him, you can't connect the dots between what you sense in him and what his life could be like if only he were willing to see this for himself. You can only take care of you. You're the one with the beautiful heart and soul who has such a beautiful gift to see someone like you do him. Don't change that quality in you; no matter what anyone says, when you're with someone who is open to you, who has done his own work so that he can receive you, embrace you and adore this in you, you will have found your true match. You're the one who has so much to offer. You're the one with so much to give. But we can only live so long in a vaccuum without receiving anything in return before we begin to lose ourselves in the process.
So you have to decide what he's worth to you. And what you're worth to you. This all makes perfect sense to me. But what matters is what you want to do with what you know. What you want to do with what you feel. Is it enough? Or is it time to move on to someone else who can give you what you deserve? You don't have to answer. But keep feeling. Keep loving. Keep putting your arms around that little girl inside you who you're understanding so well. She needs you. Your adult self may not understand, but there's enough of us out there who do. Don't worry about the ones who don't. It's how you know where you belong and where you don't. And celebrating and becoming aware of all these beautiful qualities you possess instead of stamping them out is how you begin to find where those places are.
Maris says
Beautifully said!
Kate says
The only way to heal, I believe, is through forgiveness and loving unconditionally. It is only then that we can become honest with ourselves and others and be at peace which is our natural God given state. Anything less than that is fear based and only causes guilt and shame.
I pray for all of my brothers and sisters on this website and only wish the best for you. Know that you are love, that you are beauty, that you are power and strength. I love you no matter who you are or what you have done.
Have a beautiful day:)
Angel says
That's beautiful, Kate. Thank you for being here. Much love to you!
Jane says
Beautifully said, Kate, and oh so true. Thank you for adding this to the conversation! 🙂
Wayne says
I got a lot of " snap out of it", "I knew she was no good", "you are lucky to be rid of her" or "you should be dancing in the streets" from people who I know had the best of intentions for me but just did not know what to say. As you say, it all made me feel inadequate or that something was wrong with me that I missed what everyone said they saw until I realized it was all they knew to say. What can anyone say? I lost someone truly dear to my heart. And realizing I had made a horrible mistake took a terrible toll on me. And told I missed it or my feelings are wrong? I heard it all and it got me nowhere. Healing from this is something I look forward to but I cannot see ever being the same...which might be a good thing.
Angel says
Hi Wayne.
That's exactly it. People don't know what to say, they do the best they can with what they have. But I know how you have felt. I get it, because those comments... I've heard those many times and it does make me feel like I am an idiot, which I can now tell you with certainty: we aren't.
We just unwittingly co-created a situation that hurt us and we are learning from it.
You'll be fine again if you are kind to yourself and make that intention your priority. There are days in which we fall back, but it gets better. I promise.
Just make sure Wayne comes out of this victorious: as in more open, stronger, wiser and better at discerning. Our abilities grow when we are able to come out the other side, not more closed or resentful or careful, but rather more open, kinder and wiser. That's a tricky one because it is counter-intuitive, but it is possible. We are loving creatures, love is our language, love is our being. Huge hug to you.
B says
AngeL, I love reading your posts as the show how much you are learning and the work you are putting in to apply all that you learn. You are astute, wise, and I'm leaning from your perspectives. Thank you
Angel says
Aww, thank you, B. I'm sure you are also quite the smart, loving girl who is also learning a lot. We are all learning, that's what's so great about Jane's blog. She guides us in our path in learning. It has taken us so much to get here, but we're here and we're moving forward. We just have to cheer each other on. Big hug to you!
Jane says
I hear you, Wayne. And they didn't know. When we can begin to forgive ourselves for our "mistakes", when we can realize that we're all on our own journey and doing the best we can with what we know at the time, within the realities of all our programming that comes from so many places around us, we can let each other be who we are without so much judgement, especially the harsh judgement we can be so quick to lavish on ourselves. You did the best you could with what you knew, Wayne. It wasn't supposed to be this way, I know. But who you are becoming is even more important than anything else you lost. I know it's still so hard to understand this, but one day, you absolutely will! We rarely are ever the same, but there's a reason; we're not meant to be. And who we gain, what we become, is worth so much more than we can possibly understand when we're still going through it. Don't fight it; there's still so much more good to come!
Selina says
Hi Jane
I thank you for your words as I know they are so true. However I sm really reslising how low my self esteem is and discovering that I constsn compare myself to others. I wen out with some new friends recently and they all seemed so comfortable with themselves and each other. I felt totally the opposite. I aware this is completely unkind but don't know how to turn it around. I find I have more self esteem wen I'm with someone which is also wrong. I realise I'm also a giver of tough love and get that given to me quite a lot which is probably because I give it out! I really want to change but not sure how!
Sorry for my ramblings!
Selina x
Jane says
It's in seeing this at all for yourself in the first place that change begins, Selina, so just this recognition and acknowledgment of what you're feeling and what you're doing is huge! 🙂 You're always welcome to "ramble" here; it's how we start to put into words what we want, what we don't, and what's really going on for us underneath. We don't have to know the answers yet; it's in asking the questions that we start to see the answers we already know in our hearts when more begins to resonate with our sweet knowing souls.
There's nothing "wrong" with the reality that you feel better about yourself and have more self-esteem when you're with someone - it's just a balance. You want to learn how to fill your own cup from within first so that you're not dependent on what someone else does or doesn't do for your own happiness. The point of all of this is to get to know yourself, the you who you really are deep down inside, and then to create a life for yourself with the people and the places and the things you do that bring out the best in you, that make you feel good about yourself.
I go into much more detail in my signature e-course, but the concepts are built around learning just how much there is to love about yourself, to accept about yourself, to embrace about yourself instead of comparing yourself to everyone else around you and what they seem to do with so much ease. They're not you and you're not supposed to be like them!
You're your own beautiful person, Selina, with so much to give and so much to offer the people who are right for you, who will love and accept and appreciate you for who you are! So much of what we feel stems from not listening to our inner voice that lets us know where we really belong and where we don't. Start with baby steps, accepting yourself right where you are, and making a list of all the things you bring to the table. These new friends may have their own gifts, but so do you! I hope these links of previous posts I've highlighted for you help you see this more clearly. Always here for you!
Maris says
Great article,
I need myself to love me through the stressfull moments. I have been doing on line dating, with no results.
Meaning, no pArtner. This tires me sometimes, like this week. And I say to myself now, okay! You have had dates and chat with a few. But no one with whoom you can relate to, to build a relationship.
I get the tendecy to blame myself. "I am too picky, too fatt, bad luck" ..
So I am taking time off the site, untill I feel again "on line dating is fun, lets do it" ...
Past year I would have cried "why dont i have a boyfrien" !!!
Still this small insecurity follows me.... And I have to say to myself "love you , you are the love of your life" ... I even meditate on this.
Dear Jane, As though I am on the road for two years to find HIM haha... I find myself more. I have met new people and doing activities i enjoy. I am really having fun! Without HIM haha
And so I need more love towards my thoughts "why cant i meet the man/HIM"
The answer is: a. Be open b. Love yourself c. Do not choose fear and guide you. Because the risk is you will choose not out of love...
You see I am on my way, just need to believe more in abc 🙁
Bless you Jane
Great article
Jane says
Thank you, Maris. It's always so inspiring to hear your thoughts, your perspective, your questions - and the answers you come to for yourself! 🙂 Take out the definitions and the beliefs you may not even realize you hold, and what then? What's around you? Who shows up? Because what it really comes down to more than anything else, is that you're already who you want to be - you're already fully, wholly her. It's just the other things that get in the way of our living like we're already her. You don't need to be anything more than you already are right now; it's just not getting ahead of ourselves, not buying into a script that says it has to be like ABC, or look like ABC for you to be happy or to be loved. See if that resonates at all with you. You remind so much of myself, and the tendencies I can still fall into so easily. You're so much more than just on your way, you bring my concepts to life in such a beautiful way, Maris. Embrace those beautiful insecurities of yours. They're there to remind us what's underneath, what makes us so lovable and beautifully sensitive and so uniquely you. 🙂
Shaz says
My story is this, I am married for 15 years, so im gona make my long story short,my husband was emotionally abusive until he left for Canada where he was in seclusion for about 2 years we communicated via telephone any skype. In his absence I felt free I felt like j am finding , myself again, my individuality and this made me happy. I then met this really nice guy who just recently divorced and moved in with his mom who happend to be my neighbour, well long story short my husband suprisngly decided to return back to south africa on the very first date with this guy of which was just business, during which we both felt very strongly attracted to each other. Aft that nht we decided to stay intouch and communicated more regularly via text. This is when he disclosed his interest in me and me to him. We decide to meet up again and was intimite that second day. I lied to him by telling him we tat im seperzted and to divorced as since his return we were totally two different people on two different pages. My husband of cousrs being a changed man and asked for forgiveness as the 2year separatation made him realise what and awful husband he was. Yes its what I always prayed for but it came way too late all the years of abuse has caused me not feel for him anymore. My husband loves me more than anything in the world ryt now and is probably the dream husband anyone is looking for caring understanding and willing tondo anything i ask but i just dont hav any feelings for him. im seeing this guy secretly for two years now and turns out he is only interested in sex. Nothing else he doesnt take me on any dates his mom my neighbour thinks we work in the same industry and yeah his kids is his priority. We never talk and onlybnow texts me when he is in need of a hook up. I feel like such a fool cause all I wanted was to experience love this thing of being inlove. I never had it with my husband as our marriage was arranged. When im with him he is this loving person but immediately after intimacy he is this unloving person. He claims he likes me and that we shudnt rush tings as he was hurt befor. But how much longer do I wait as its been 2years.? I cannot seem to move on eventhough I want to and feel that this is very unhealthy for me. I know this isn't gona happen for me I just need to know how to let go and how to tell him how this is hurting me. I do not wanna push him for a commitment or anything I just wanna be ok I just wanna feel happy . I know that im still married and my husband is very ready for divorce but im too afraid to let it all go and make a mistake. This external relationship has messed me up. Why did I even ent inyo it. Why is men sich dogs?
Jane says
Go with what you know in your heart to be true, Shaz. That this other man can't give you what you want and from what you've described, probably never will be able to, and your husband is still very much in the picture. What do you want? What need are you seeking to fill? If there's a way back to your husband and this change in him is for real, find that way back. But if it's not, if this is what it seems like, that it's about you, then find that way back to yourself. Who are you deep down underneath all of this other stuff? Find that little girl inside you and get to know her and what she's here to do. How does she want her life to be? Go back to where you were when you say "in his absence I felt free I felt like I am finding myself again, my individuality and this made me happy." What did you discover? What did you do back then? What made you happy? Do that, discover that side of you again. Build on that. And then if you want to see what might be possible with your husband, see if he'll consider going to marriage counseling with you. If not, get back to you. When we encounter people like this in our lives, there's always a reason, there's always something there underneath for us to see that we couldn't otherwise have seen. Find that. There's a richness there that speaks to a life that you can't imagine now. But that doesn't make it any less possible. You have value in and of yourself, Shaz, regardless of how any of the men in your life choose to live their own lives. Their own choices have nothing to do with you.
Isobel says
I do understand where you're coming from Jane. But by saying we need to "heal", aren't you saying that in fact there IS something wrong with us, something we need to "heal" from? If we really were ok just as we are, surely healing wouldn't be necessary?
Angel says
Hi, Isobel
I think what Jane refers to is the fact that we carry around our hurts and build an identity around them. By "healing" (what I think the word itself is telling me) I am accepting what I have experienced, I acknowledge the pain it brought and I stop making myself wrong for having experienced it and dealt with it in whatever way I saw fit, regardless of what other people think of my attempts to deal with it. In my case precisely, I have been around people who have influenced my actions or decisions or feelings by constantly in their way telling me something's wrong with me because I haven't seen a certain situation the way they see it. They give advice in a way that invalidates my feelings and suggests that because I feel this way or that way, I am wrong. What we all need is to be acknowledge and to have our feelings validated and to be accepted as we are, even if we're hurting. That acceptance, that love is what makes us feel better, what "heals" us to get up and try living one more time. Does that make sense? Sorry, sometimes I type or speak and too many ideas come in at once. LOL. By the way, I recognized something you wrote in a comment on a different post, you were talking about the Queen's Code, right? Just curious 🙂
Isobel says
Hi Angel 🙂
Yes, you're absolutely right about the Queen's Code, well spotted! 🙂
What you're saying certainly makes sense, but I was thinking if I went to a doctor and he said "there's nothing wrong with you" I'd think it was very odd (and a bit worrying) if he then talked about my need to "heal". If we need to heal from accepting other people's opinions of us (or caring about them and taking them on board) then in that sense there is something "wrong" - right? 🙂 It's like using alternative rather than allopathic medicine - the alternative treatment is likely to be more gentle, less invasive and have fewer side effects, but it's still treatment and it's still helping us heal from something that's "wrong" with us.
I guess I just don't like the term "heal" because I don't believe we need fixing.
Angel says
I share that opinion. We don't need fixing. I do think we need to get unstuck. Sometimes I dwell forever in a dark place. Being there is not wrong, staying there is. We have so much to live for. I guess that's my definition of healing 🙂
Jane says
I couldn't have defined it better myself, Angel. 🙂
Jane says
I agree with you, Isobel; when you break it down like this, you could find something there that asks for something to be fixed. Change the word "heal" to "live", and see if it resonates more with you like that. The meaning, to me, is the same. 🙂
Jane says
This is exactly what I meant, Angel. Thanks so much for jumping in! 🙂
Jane says
I can see what you're saying, Isobel, and I'm glad you brought this up so I can explain it in more detail. The type of healing I'm referring to here has everything to do with all those things we carry around with us that aren't ours to begin with because we didn't know that we had a choice to accept what others put on us - or we didn't see the distinction between what was someone else's to own and what wasn't ours to take - on in the first place. It's the beliefs that were never our own to begin with that we have to please everyone else to be loved, that we have to be and do what others want us to be and do to be accepted, and the implication that our lives are meant to be lived by someone else's idea of us or expectations of us rather than our own. So we learn to become caretakers of everyone else except ourselves, we learn to pick up on what someone else is feeling like an art, and we become so much about everyone else except ourselves. We learn indirectly from the messages we're so sensitive to, that it's somehow our role to make everything smooth, to make everyone love us, to prove our worth by living up to everyone else's expectation of us, rather than listening to the gentle stirrings of our own hearts that gets lost in all the noise we've been conditioned to focus on coming from outside of ourselves.
It's this culmination of what we've accepted as our own from what we've taken on for far too long that brings about this need to heal, not to fix, because as you say, there is absolutely nothing to fix about us! There is only the need to take off what we're learning isn't ours, to refuse to take it on anymore, to refuse to allow anyone to define who we are or what we "should" be or do or how we go about living our lives anymore. Not requiring this validation to come from anyone outside of ourselves, but from coming to see that we are enough on our own. The greatest lesson we can learn is the one where we listen to our own own voices first, to hear what we need before responding to an old script that isn't working for us anymore because it was never one we wrote ourselves. This is all the healing we need, but it is rarely the kind we're able to see.
browneyedgirl says
I agree completely. To me its letting go of previous hurts. Knowing and the acceptance of myself now. I cant and wont stay in the past anymore. I have one future and its mine. To live in the way as Jane says that causes the least regret and the most living i can do for me. Especially within. I also agree with the term to heal. In order to grow from something you have to go through it and that causes pain hence the term heal. Just my perspective. When we become stronger we heal to cover the hurt thats been within. Knowing we let it go for our own peace of mind is when we are more loving and kind to ourselves. For me thats when my confidence self esteem self worth and clarity on my life began to show and shine. Thanks to Jane for her wonderful perspective on life. Now its my turn to "live"
Jane says
Beautifully said, Browneyedgirl. And "live", I have no doubt, you will! 🙂
Courtney says
When it comes to me meeting new guys I want them to accept me for who I am & who can tell the truth. I want them to acknowledge me to my plans if I want to meet up. I'm on the road to finding a guy wno won't cheat or lie to me n give me a compliment.i. The past I've known guys who've got disabilities like ADHD n Aspergus n I find it difficult handling those type of men
Over the weekend I was so nervous catching up with a old friend who's a guy n known him for 6 years n he went out with my friend who was his ex back at the time, I didn't like his looks but he sounded nice n I'm now friends with guy n since Monday I've got 2 guys as my friends n don't know which 1 to pick as a partner
1st guy I've known him for 1 year n 3 months, has no disability n is 1 year older than me n I have 40 things in common with him n My birthday n his birthday are 4 weeks apart but with the 2nd guy he's got ADHD n aspergus disabilities n he's 5 years older than me n I have a few common things with him n mine n his birthdays are 6 months apart and I'm so shy to txt the 2nd guy but I want him to txt me n last weekend guy 2 liked a few of my FB posts which doesn't normally happen to me
Jane says
Take your time to really get to know anyone you're considering to become more involved with, Courtney, and over time it will become clear to both of you whether you are both on the same page, whether you have enough things in common to make you compatible with each other - and whether they are worth you! Since you know you want someone who accepts you for yourself, who can tell the truth, you will include you in their plans if you want to meetup, you'll find it easier to tell if someone is right for you because they'll do and be all that for you. Because, as you know I always remind you, you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, who wants the same level of commitment from you as you do. Take your time and just have fun getting to know someone better - that's the whole point of dating. 🙂
Angel says
That is exactly what I think right now. I can see now that I come from a family of "tough" love and since I always seemed to get hurt so easily, I thought I had to toughen up and stop being so touchy. So much so that I convinced myself that being lovey dovey was wrong and annoying so I never allowed myself to be that way even though I am drawn to people who are genuinely so. I can do it too, but then the shaming comes in. I learned to do tough love but I just don't wanna do that any longer. It is somehow a little difficult for me to release lovey dovey me. But I trust I will get there with time. It is exactly why I come here all the time and I refrain myself from going nuts when someone is harsh in their comments. Somehow it is funny because sometimes I catch myself in the act with the tough love and then I remember that's not who I truly am.
I am so glad I am starting to change my internal dialogue to be sweeter to myself. Little by little.
Jennifer says
Sweet Angel
its beautiful that you refer to changing your internal dialogue with yourself. If we don't treat ourselves with kindness and love then we won't be able to receive kindnesses and love externally. Beautiful statement. It took me awhile to realize this myself. But once I changed my internal dialogue I started to feel so much better about myself. I see more beautiful in the world now as well. Push negativity out the door and let love in.
hugs to you beautiful lady
Jennifer
Angel says
Aww Jennifer, you're so sweet!
I am so glad I get to share so much with kind women like yourself who understand and don't make me feel like I am nuts for talking about all this. Changing internal dialogue is difficult, especially when it's been playing like a broken record so many years and when we are surrounded by people who don't quite understand where we're coming from. It is why I have such a hard time dealing with my family even though they love me their own way and very much.
I am happy we are taking the steps we need to take to change our lives. That's what I want right now. I need to change my life. I am done with doing the same over and over again. I am ready to bring in something new. Big hug!!